To Stealth or Not to Stealth

[allisonsteph]

I started a new job with a large telecommunications company about a month ago, my first post-transition. When I first started I thought everyone was just being nice to the new trans girl. Now I am starting to realize that I am actually being accepted as a woman, despite my very deep voice. I work in a call center with over 200 employees and not one person has used a male pronoun of given me a second look. No one has even flinched at my presence in the woman's restroom.

As I am getting to get to know my co-workers we are getting friendlier. Deciding which version of the truth to tell is stressful. I never know how much of my past to reveal. I'm not trying to run from or hide from my past, but I do think that it is not relevant. I don't need to be announcing to the world that I am trans.

This however creates issues with my backstory. I have not had the stereotypical female life experience. As desperately as I wanted it, simply haven't experienced the life that most women do. I can't bear children. I've never experienced gender bias in the workplace until now. Men treat me like I am a moron when it comes to technology. I have to bite my tongue to stop myself from pointing out that I have been using computers since the late 1970s and was selling consumer electronics before they were born.

I'm walking a balance beam of truth. I don't want to lie, or fabricate a life story, but at the same time I don't want to out myself. I hate using words like "partner" to describe past relationships (although I have no issues with others using them). "Partner" seems to me to be purposely vague, bordering on deceitful. But if I mention that my last two relationships were with a boyfriend and a wife, that automatically causes people to take a deeper look at me. Being known as a transperson in the workplace would cause everyone to walk on eggshells I would imagine. The company I work for is an incredibly open and diverse company. They are swift to address any issues of misconduct, discrimination, and inappropriate behavior in the workplace. I know this because I have already been interviewed as a witness to an incident within my training class.

I am in a very odd place at work right now. For the first time in my career I feel comfortable at work just being me. At the same time I am worried about what will happen if my past is revealed. I am curious how others have handled their post-transition jobs. I'm sure it is vastly different than transitioning on the job.

[ImagineKate]

Even now I don't go into too much detail about my past with coworkers. I do mention the wife and kids. I am of course transitioning in place but I may decide to change jobs in the future.

No ability to have children, no problem. Cis women have that issue too. I can't guess your age really but maybe you're past prime childbearing age, so that's less of an issue.

[Ms Grace]

First, congrats on being so successful with your transition! I think what you are saying puts paid to a lot of concerns many of us feel about "never being able to pass".

I transitioned openly in my small workplace and it was no problem; I feel comfortable talking about my life and experiences as a trans woman with a male socialisation past. It's no problem there because I know everyone and they are progressive and accepting of diversity. I'm considering changing jobs and (fingers crossed) may be getting that opportunity very soon...which leaves me thinking about exactly what you are asking. I pass fairly well, people seemingly accept me as a woman despite my height and my voice - although this new workplace will also be progressive and accepting of diversity I don't know them. I don't think me being trans would be an issue but if they don't need to know then should I bother making it known?

The thing is that being stealth is always going to be a delicate proposition, it only takes one person who knows for it to potentially become general knowledge. That one person may be someone you confide in, someone who knew you pre-transition, someone who works it out...maybe they are trustworthy but regardless people love secrets and gossip and this is the sort of thing that goes off like wild fire.

My approach in talking to people who don't seem to realise I'm trans is not to lie but to omit details that reveal my male socialised past. We shouldn't have to hide our past but sometimes it's less complicated that way, the issue is his will people respond when they inevitably find out?

[allisonsteph]

No ability to have children, no problem. Cis women have that issue too. I can't guess your age really but maybe you're past prime childbearing age, so that's less of an issue.

I am 46, so you are right I am past prime child bearing age. The topic comes up frequently at work though because there are four pregnant women in my 18 person training class. They will start taking and sharing much more intimate details than women did when I dressed as a male. I have no idea what they are talking about sometimes 

[Ms Grace]

Plenty of genetic women choose to not have children, or for various reasons cannot.

[ImagineKate]

I am 46, so you are right I am past prime child bearing age. The topic comes up frequently at work though because there are four pregnant women in my 18 person training class. They will start taking and sharing much more intimate details than women did when I dressed as a male. I have no idea what they are talking about sometimes 

Yeah somehow women share that info with me too for some reason. And I understand most of it too, having closely followed my wife during her pregnancy including the whole hormonal cycle because of IVF.

[KittyKat]

As far as work goes I've decided that most of the people I will know when I start working aren't going to have a personal enough relationship with me that they need to know. I don't work right now but I have an interview Monday at a family practice which I'm going to attend in female attire and explain my transgender status during the interview because I have not legally changed my name yet. I'm hoping I'm not being to bold by doing that in an interview but I can't work as a guy. I don't think I'd ever go full stealth but I'd just reserve that kind of personal information for people I can trust like close friends and relationships.