Oh that has been my year, dealing with the fear of transitioning while seeking it out. My therapist and I decided to postpone the letter for hormones until I worked those things out. That was in June. I start hormones next week.
For me, I'm not exactly sure I can explain how... Simplest way to put it was I had to fortify myself against what I might face in transitioning. When you're freaking out over something, when you are at level of worry and fear, it sort of is a way to prepare yourself for it. You are creating in your mind a manifestation of that fear to the extent it is essentially experiencing that fear as a real thing. Like training wheels on a bike.
That's why freaking out is so unpleasant, because you are experience the reaction you'd have to that thing as you are now. But despite the unpleasantness, it is a boon to you, for it lets you safely strengthen yourself against it, and allow you to deal with it if and when it happens.
That's been my year. Eventually things didn't freak me out as much, then only a little, and now barely at all. I changed, became a stronger person, and a bit jaded. But through that I'm also less afraid to truly show my real self, more open with my friends and can see them respond a lot more to that. Hard to explain really, it just feels like I am connecting better with them and they are connecting better with me.
So basically I dealt by enduring the freak outs and letting them prepare me.
When my therapist asked my what changed from June when I was ready to move forward, the only answer I had was "I changed."
