Hi all,
I've been lurking here for the last couple weeks, and finally decided to create an account. Honestly I decided to create one after reading a post where someone was talking about ways of exploring ones gender, one of those being presenting as that gender online. So, I joined with a male name (not set in stone, just picked one that sounded nice from a list of baby boy names lol) and was hoping to get that blue M under my name, but I guess I have to wait to get that. It's kind of weird to me how much I want to see that blue M under my name lol. I'm FAAB, and I have been questioning my gender for the past couple months. It started when I was driving home from my internship one afternoon, and I was thinking out loud about my anxieties. I have had this fear of being gay for years, and I usually just try to push the thoughts away, but I wanted to see if I explore my thoughts in the safe environment of being alone in my car, and deal with what ever came up. What I realized is that fear of being gay was a cover for fear of being butch...or acting masculine. I heard myself saying that there is a boy inside of me. My first instinct was to try to shut the thoughts down, but I tried to tell myself it's ok. After that episode, I started doing research on gender identity (which I've had some education on and done research on in the past), and found the term androgyne. I was and am still thinking that I might be non-binary or genderfluid, but I'm not sure. This past week I've wondering if I might be more male-identified then I think. It's kind of felt like I have unlatched a flood gate. It's all happening so quickly, and I'm not sure how real all my thoughts and feelings about my gender identity are. I've been kind of obsessively reading about gender lately, and I'm not quite sure if that is resulting in me thinking I'm less cis than I am, or if it's the result of me being less cis and just trying to absorb now that I have given myself the opportunity (can't get enough of it kind of thing).
Childhood wise, I was shirtless in the summer as a little kid, always wanted to be like my brother (didn't have any other siblings though), I hated dresses and when my mom would make me wear girly stuff like frilly socks or maryjanes. One summer I wore boy boxers as shorts all summer. In 6th grade I had a pair of baggy cargo pants that I bought with my christmas money I loved to death (quite literally). As I got older, I felt the pressure to be girly always seem to err to the neutral side of things, trying to feel comfortable with looking "cool" but still female vs girly. I've never really felt comfortable being feminine although I can do it if it's expected. Part of the pressure as I became a teenager is that my mom and brother started calling me gay as an accusation and insult, and it felt scary and hurtful, so I tried to be as safe as possible in presentation. Even at my girliest in high school, I still avoided skirts/dresses like the plague.
Sexuality wise, I've come to realize that I am attracted to both guys and girls, but the thought of interacting with an anatomically female body makes me very uncomfortable. Not sure what to make of that. I find guy on guy porn super hot, not sure what to make of that either.
I'm thinking about ordering a binder tomorrow and buying a couple of guys pants and seeing how that feels. Fanscinating but I have spent my whole life feeling anxious, and attributing it to things like hearing loss, ptsd, social anxiety, home situation, etc, and have always felt like I was on a stage performing when I interact with people. When I used to drink I disliked being anything more than tipsy because I was afraid that I wouldn't act right. I always thought I just had social anxiety or was self conscious. I would feel like people wouldn't like me or that they only like me because I'm doing a good job at interacting (I did it right). When I was driving home and had that realization and told myself it's ok to be both, my anxiety with other people pretty much vanished the next day. It was so amazing to me, and I would have never made that connection otherwise. I'm still amazed, after living with it for so long. I notice now that I have eliminated the social piece and that I'm paying attention with a open mindset that I have been experiencing agitation about my appearance, feeling like things aren't right, and I'm thinking that's dysphoria? I've been interested in body modification (piercings, etc) since I was in high school, and I'm thinking now that I took the need to change and funneled it into that as a hobby that I thought was more acceptable. I've been feeling uncomfortable with my chest for many years, and I once again always attributed it to other causes. I think buying a binder will help me figure that out. I've been researching top surgery the last couple days, and it sounds so appealing to me. I don't know about T and whatnot, the more masculine facial features, muscle gain, and fat changes would be nice, but I'm not sure I'd like any of the other effects.
So, that's where I'm at right now. Sorry for the rambling and long winded intro. It feels good to get this out though. I haven't talked to anyone about any of this and I'm not sure I can without opening up a can of worms.
