Pronouns - Letters from my family

[Sammie Blade]

Just went to what was supposed to be my birthday party with my family.  It was the first time we'd all hung out as a family with me presenting as a female.  Ended up crying all night, then going home and taking a shower and putting on guy clothes, buying beer and cigarettes, and then crying some more before writing this letter to them. 

Bad idea?  Probably. 

But I stopped crying

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Good Morning!

I know I'm a big ball of emotions right now, but let me give you some insight on how you can show me some love and help me out a little bit.  When I am "dressed up as Samantha" it sure would be nice if I could get some female pronouns thrown my way!  When you refer to me as "him" or "he" you basically are letting everyone know that you think I look nothing like a woman!  If you aren't comfortable with referring to me by my gender identity and their pronouns then please feel free to just use my name.  The same one I've had for as long as I can remember – you can call me "Sam" really I don't mind! It's much better than "bro" or "dude" or "man". 

This weekend was amazing for me for about 24 hours.  On Friday, I picked up my son and he told me that he wanted me to dress up as a girl so he could see it.  So I did.  I was nervous but I did it, and he responded so positive and asked me why I didn't do that all the time.  For the first time ever I was actually living as a woman outside of my house!  It was so amazing, that I finally felt good enough to go outside of my house while wearing a wig and presenting as a female.  Then, upon arrival to the location of what was supposed to be a joyous occasion, it was pronoun hell.  Nothing makes a girl feel prettier than having a bunch of family members calling her a guy!   

Obviously, there is no need to try to present myself as feminine since I still am clearly a male and no one is going to see me otherwise anytime soon.  No one addressed me as a girl the entire night except for [my sister in law]  calling me "Skinny Girl" but I think that was more of a nickname because she also failed on her pronouns.  It was all "him" and "he" and "his".  Well, I guess you all made your point loud and clear. 

Maybe somewhere down the line I'll gain the confidence to try it again.  Until then, please do not ask me "when is Samantha going to come out?"  He isn't coming out for a long time.  Neither are his heels, or his wig, or his purse.  He's staying in his closet until people can show some effort to make him feel comfortable around the people he loves.

I feel like I was ready to take a huge next step in my life, but the people who said they supported me all sent me crashing down.  I felt so loved when I woke up on Saturday, but by the end of the day I just felt like the butt of everyone's joke. 

Merry Christmas! 
Your Loving Son / Brother,
[my full male birth name]

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[Cindy]

Bad idea?

Nope - brilliant idea young lady.

And don't back down from Samantha, she is a real woman with real feelings, as you know

We have to keep fighting, Oh the beer is OK the cigs are rubbish toss them, they are a really bad idea when you get on HRT

[Sammie Blade]

I'm not backing down from Samantha.  I'm just not showing that side to my family again anytime soon.  They don't deserve that opportunity!   I've been on HRT for about 45 days and the main thing I feel is emotional swings.  I no longer get angry, I just cry a lot!

[adrian]

It's a great letter -- it gets the message across how hurt you were by their behavior really good, but it does so without being spiteful.

I'm so happy that your son liked Samantha though. That's great .

And now get that dress back on and chuck the cigarettes. Smoking gives you bad skin anyway [emoji6] [emoji11]

Edit: lol, just saw Cindy's comment on the cigs

[Ellesmira the Duck]

I'm glad you have such a supportive son, I've seen that be a real concern especially for parents. As for family, it does suck when they use the wrong pronouns, it's something I've been struggling with around my extended family. My close family and friends are all great for the most part. My dad is trying, he still normally gets it wrong but he either corrects himself or apologizes. But family friends or extended relatives? Doesn't even blip on their radar I think...I'm told I pass well, I was in a skirt, I got compliments from various people, and still male pronouns everywhere. I'm not sure if it's so much passive aggressive (it very well could be for both your situation as well as mine) or just plain ignorance. What we want is just so far out of their norm they can't possibly comprehend, and wouldn't think twice about pronouns. And honestly, we don't have time to correct everyone. so I've just been trying to pick my battles on this one. It sucks, but hopefully it'll get better. Stay strong Sammy. ^_^

[DanielleA]

This topic kind of reminded me of when I first started transitioning. All I can say is ...
don't be afraid to be the woman around your family. The more face time they get with Samantha the less they can just ignore her. And don't forget seeing you as Samantha is newer to them than it is to you so who knows one day they might do a complete turn around. It just might take time. I also found one on one interactions can help too as they can't bounce off of one another.
I hope it all works out

[Elis]

That's an excellent idea and well put letter. Good luck 

[Sammie Blade]

Woke up still crying... got this response from my sister-in-law... and ummm yeah, more crying is coming but first I need coffeeeee...

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Dear Samantha,

I am so sorry that last night was not a joyous occasion for you.

I agree with the pronouns being an issue. However, you are completely wrong in stating its because you do not look like a woman. The reason is simply that you have always been a He/Him. Therefore referring to you as She/Her is not what comes out of my brain. I fully support you AND truly love you. These are stumbling blocks and I will do my part to make sure I get better with them.

It is nice and very helpful that you are telling us. We need to keep the communication open and going forward. I am afraid that I will hurt you or make you sad again, or the kids may, or someone else in my home.... Unfortunately, it happens. Humans in general say/do things that cause hurt to other people. I want it to be known/discussed, so it can get worked through. I want you to feel love and support while around us. The rest of the world can be cruel but my house should definitely be a safe and comfortable place for you and all of my family.

Please do not wait so long to be your true self. You are Samantha on the inside even if you are Samuel on the outside, so I originally thought that we should have switched up the pronoun thing a long time ago. Then I was told if you look like Samuel on the outside you are still he/him. So, that was confusing for me. Can't I just start saying the right pronouns no matter what clothes you are in???

Again, thanks for telling us what we did to hurt you. You can say it in person too! Maybe we could have had this discussion last night and maybe you would have been able to enjoy the rest of your party!!


With Love and Respect,
[My sister-in-law's full legal name]


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[Ellesmira the Duck]

That's amazing, I hope this can bring some level of resolution and perhaps another safe place for you to bring yourself. I'm glad she took your letter for what it was and did not become overly defensive or accusatory. You go Sammy. ^_^ I think this is definitely a testament to  the fact that taking action will get results. Just be careful, the closer to full time you go, the less you will want go back! I know it kind of snuck up on me at least. Best wishes! 

[adrian]

Good thing you sent the letter . I think this clarifies some things, and she does sound supportive!

[Rachel]

Sammie, hugs

I am glad your son likes the real you and your sister-in-law was quick to respond and accept you fully. Hopefully the rest of the family will come around and respond. I think it is a good idea to keep the lines of communication open.