Non-transitioning and dysphoria background noise

[airamyb]

I am trying to find the path and form of transition (of sorts). One option is not to transition medically or socially, for those who have made that choice, how do your deal with the white noise and periodic spikes of dysphoria?

I am hesitant for career reasons to transition and I want to see if there are approaches I can use to dampend my desire to have a feminine body and the subtle despondency I feel when I want to be percived as female, but not.

[ashley_thomas]

I made it for almost 30 years after realizing I was trans but ultimately have chosen to transition.   I'm 39 now and started transition at 36.

Before going to therapy to start the final process I was cross dressing, shaved my legs, polished my nails including my finger nails with clear polish, going out at times, you could get LHR on your face and no one would know. Chest too.

That helped me a lot but also made me realize what I needed to do. Dysphoria just kept getting worse.

You could probably even go on a low dose of E and not be visible as trans for years.

Certainly doable and will help but ultimately it's your call as to what is enough to aid in the terrible discomfort.

My only don't do recommendation is don't try to male your way through it, I don't think that works.

[Joelene9]

I am trying to find the path and form of transition (of sorts). One option is not to transition medically or socially, for those who have made that choice, how do your deal with the white noise and periodic spikes of dysphoria?

I did that method due to the times (1970's) and career reasons. It was not pretty in those 30 years. I did cope by doing overtime at work trying to dampen that a bit. Too much overtime did cause health problems later that I'm still working on to fix. 4 anti-depressants used during that last 10 years did no good.

I am hesitant for career reasons to transition and I want to see if there are approaches I can use to dampend my desire to have a feminine body and the subtle despondency I feel when I want to be percived as female, but not.

I allowed no feminine clothing in my house during those years because of possible discovery by others and I didn't date because I didn't want to mentally harm the woman I would date and then marry. Not necessary a good idea for these newer times. You got more options then I had in 1977. Better counselors today than the shrink I had then who had to look up the condition.

Joelene

[VeronicaLynn]

Lots of alcohol. That's not the politically correct answer but honestly that's part of how I deal with the dysphoria, what dysphoria, where'd I put my glass...

I also do shave my legs, keep my hair longish, and cross dress when I'm at home.  I also have transitioned mentally. I not only gave up all those stupid macho ideas, but I recognize them as such, and they play no part in how I speak, or my mannerisms...I don't care anymore if I'm perceived as acting like someone who's a girl in a man's body, because more or less that is what I am, so what? Getting to that point has led to less alcohol, but there's still too much really...

[Joanna Dark]

I was heitant for that reason too but I'm a woman's magazine editor so that helps lol but so you know I started with a low dose of E and within 73 days looked to femme to pass as male unless I tried real hard. But I'm 5'5/5'4 and 120 lbs with severe gynecomastia bewfore hand so I did not care as people asked me if I was a hermaphrodite all the time, since I was a 36B and acted so femme. And I mean femme, not campy lilttle gay boy, though people thought I was. People always put me in some box.

But that's my story about careers and transitioning. I guess it's different for me cause I don't have dysphoria just a sever hormone imbalance (my diagnosis. I was not diagnosed with GID since I'm IS) and i think about detransitioning but I can't. I have gone too far. After six months of low dose E and 15 months of a high dose of E and spiro, I have a thin yet really curvy woman's body. So remember, sometimes you really can't go back. I had one session of laser and now my face is no longer andro but womanly. That was my thing. I thought if I didn't get it I could go back but one day my BF just said do it and we went somewhere and now my face is nealry hairless. One more session, which I have set up at the Mazzoni Center, and I'll be a woman for the rest of my life. Even now I think it's too late.

Sorry I feel like I'm hijacking your thread. But I hope this has helped you somehow. I just feel like now since there is no go ing back and my testes have vanished (literally they are like peas if I can feel them), that if my BF leaves me, I'll be so alone. Luckily I'm in Philly so there's that. Sorry again.

[airamyb]

I did try dealing with it by prohibiting myself for most of my life from owning female clothing, but I had a breakdown last year and I lost the strength to keep up my discipline. However it seems each step I take towards improving my feminine expression makes it difficult to return to where I was before mu breakdown. Alcohol seems to lower the barrier to my dysphoria, especially when I was watching The Great Gatsby drunk and got depresses at not being Jordan Baker (on days when I flipped to my feminine side). But bed time recently is girl time.

Joanna, thanks for sharing, you did not hijack the thread, you expressed my fear of passing the point of no return.I have oftern wondered if I am also IS because I have some gyno, have a waist and carry most of my fat below my belly button. I did ask my doctor but because of my MPB they thought I was crazy. I hope you find genuine happiness regardless of what path you walk.

I don't think maleing my way out of this will work either. The best I can do is a Spock or The Doctor, no way am
I a Capt. Kirk. Besides, I had to turn in my macho man card when I expressed my disgust for the way my southern US cousins talked about their wives behind their backs. Guy talk about sex makes me sick, and I've always looked for emotional and intellectual connections.

[airamyb]

I've noticed something about my dysphoria, it tends to build during the day. Being the only guy in the group doesn't help. After building over the course of the day, my dysphoria seems to spill over into anxiety.

Usually I anticipate going home and slipping into my yoga pants and woman's tee if I am going to stick around the house, or if I am going out I atleast wear panties. Either way I get a measure of relief and an immediate lessening of anxiety, but more so when I can wear a bra to support the small amount of gynecomastia I am blessed with so I look down and see a glimpse of the body I want. This allows me to function. Having a naturally slender pear shapped body most women's jeans fit better on me anyway.

I also find relief in dreams of taking HRT, and the changes don't bother me (the logistics relative to family, work, social, etc. to accomodate body changes seem too daunting).

Am I just postponing the envitable dose of HRT, or if I start on a new long-term project, will that help drown out the dysphoria?

I'm just glad I have therapy this week.