I think that my dad probably knows.

[Elsa Delyth]

I spent a good three hours talking to my dad on the phone yesterday, and at one point he told me that he used to be prejudiced about homosexuals, and things like that, but he really isn't like that anymore -- and my google+ name is Elsa Delyth, and it is right there to be seen on my gmail... so it wouldn't take much to do a google search on the name and find out everything.

I think that maybe I'm inventing a big scary scenario about him hating me, when maybe he won't. Really me and my sister are the only ones that even talk to him on the phone, and I was supporting him for a few months while he was trying to get on disability after losing his nursing job... only until last month, now he has his pension.

He's really a reasonable, and caring person, that I guess I'm just imagining that I'm disappointing... maybe I'm not. Maybe I can tell him, his blessing would mean everything to me.

Do you think I should just tell him tomorrow?

[Ms Grace]

It's almost always a nerve racking experience in the lead up to telling parents. If their approval and love and acceptance of us is important then it's even more dire! If you feel tomorrow is the right time then go for it. How far along are you in transition and from going full time? If it's not for some time then maybe there will be nothing to be gained. I basically decided to tell my parents the week before I went full time, that way there was less chance they'd be worried about the outcome eventual and/or try to talk me out of it.

You wonder if he knows already, I'd suggest that him saying he is accepting of gays probably means he thinks you might be gay. Most people will jump to that conclusion long before they suspect someone is trans.

[RosieD]

I don't know about'should', I generally avoid the word. I don't know if anyone can make the decision other than you.

Just in case it's helpful, here's what I did with all of the little steps that made up the huge leap of transitioning. I always thought the situation through and imagined the worst possible outcome. If I was able to accept that then I knew I was ready to take the step. Of course I also thought through a few strategies to try and avoid things going horribly wrong, just so I was a bit prepared.

Rosie

[Elsa Delyth]

It's almost always a nerve racking experience in the lead up to telling parents. If their approval and love and acceptance of us is important then it's even more dire! If you feel tomorrow is the right time then go for it. How far along are you in transition and from going full time? If it's not for some time then maybe there will be nothing to be gained. I basically decided to tell my parents the week before I went full time, that way there was less chance they'd be worried about the outcome eventual and/or try to talk me out of it.

You wonder if he knows already, I'd suggest that him saying he is accepting of gays probably means he thinks you might be gay. Most people will jump to that conclusion long before they suspect someone is trans.

I do get that one a lot. My mom asked me whether or not I was gay several times, and still probably thinks it could be possible -- but not my dad. We exchange buff girl photos we think are hot, and he knows that I've obsessed with lesbian culture, I used to binge watch the L word in the living room. Since I was fourteen (when he got a computer) he's seen the kind of porn I used to look up on the computer. I would be completely shocked if he thought I was gay. I think he just wanted to hint without getting too close to on target, for fear that I'd be upset about the cyber stalking or something. Trying to reach out, and tell me that it was okay to tell him.

I think you're right though that I should probably hold off until I'm deep into transition. I'm no where into it at the moment, waiting for the support group on the 12th, where I will ask about therapists, and doctors. In the meantime I need to go and get the forms to transfer my medicare to Alberta, from New Brunswick.

[Ms Grace]

Yeah, maybe wait until you have a bit more of a road map...

[Elsa Delyth]

I don't know about'should', I generally avoid the word. I don't know if anyone can make the decision other than you.

Just in case it's helpful, here's what I did with all of the little steps that made up the huge leap of transitioning. I always thought the situation through and imagined the worst possible outcome. If I was able to accept that then I knew I was ready to take the step. Of course I also thought through a few strategies to try and avoid things going horribly wrong, just so I was a bit prepared.

Rosie

Yeah, that is what I do. I imagined the worst possible scenario, as if it was even plausible (him disowning me), when, now for some reason it doesn't seem like it is at all. He's even moving into a small town out from the middle of nowhere, and won't have to rely on those religious friends of his...

In any case, I think I'll call him more regularly, he told me to call him any time.

[Elsa Delyth]

Yeah, maybe wait until you have a bit more of a road map...

Yeah... and even if it doesn't seem plausible, I'm actually super vulnerable right now, and probably wouldn't survive the worse case scenario in my current state...

[Valerie Rose]

You wonder if he knows already, I'd suggest that him saying he is accepting of gays probably means he thinks you might be gay. Most people will jump to that conclusion long before they suspect someone is trans.

My mother is the same way. I'm 100% sure she thinks I'm gay or something. And she is always fishing for clues. I'm just too chicken to come out to my parents yet. But it is also hindering my transition because I'm afraid to show too much too fast and out myself before I'm ready. I almost did that 2 years ago.

Only you will know when you are ready.

[Ms Grace]

Yeah, that is what I do. I imagined the worst possible scenario, as if it was even plausible (him disowning me)...

Well I really expected my father to disown me. He didn't, he said he was supportive initially, but I guess that was while he was absorbing what it all really meant - that I was actually going to live and present full time as a woman not every now and then. He's since been low on the support and high on the denial (still uses my male name) but he at least will sit with me in cafe and have a civilised conversation over lunch. It'll be a long time, if ever, that he is completely accepting. He doesn't understand why I needed to transition but also isn't that interested in hearing why either.

[Elsa Delyth]

Well I really expected my father to disown me. He didn't, he said he was supportive initially, but I guess that was while he was absorbing what it all really meant - that I was actually going to live and present full time as a woman not every now and then. He's since been low on the support and high on the denial (still uses my male name) but he at least will sit with me in cafe and have a civilised conversation over lunch. It'll be a long time, if ever, that he is completely accepting. He doesn't understand why I needed to transition but also isn't that interested in hearing why either.

Again, you're right about that -- even if he does have some idea, I doubt he knows the extent of what I plan on doing, and what this all means. He also hasn't felt the pressure of his friends about it yet, even if he does want to support me. I know that his friends generally think highly of me, but are also very prejudice, racist, sexist, and definitely homophobic. One of them brags that he physically vomited after seeing two men kiss...

Yeah, I really tried to make him move out here over the summer when I was helping him, but he wouldn't... I just miss him a lot, and really want to have substantial things that I genuinely care about to talk to him with, I guess. Damn, damn, damn! Life's so annoying sometimes!

[Elsa Delyth]

My mother is the same way. I'm 100% sure she thinks I'm gay or something. And she is always fishing for clues. I'm just too chicken to come out to my parents yet. But it is also hindering my transition because I'm afraid to show too much too fast and out myself before I'm ready. I almost did that 2 years ago.

Only you will know when you are ready.

Well, my mom already knows, and has for about two years (I think, something like that). She got it out of me when I was drunk... and she just thinks it means super, ultra, mega, gay.

[MirnaMinkoff]

Well, my mom already knows, and has for about two years (I think, something like that). She got it out of me when I was drunk... and she just thinks it means super, ultra, mega, gay.

Your mother's cluelessness about being transgendered more than a tad hilarious. 

With the ladies at work, a topic about some gay celebrity comes up:
"Oh, I know all about that gay stuff. My son, he's trans, so not just gay but mega, ultra-gay gay. He makes Neil Patrick Harris and RuPaul look like rank amatuers." 

[Leila]

Sad but likely very true in my case, I've not come out to my parents, but I fear this is the conclusion my dad is going to come to with me. He gets easily confused with concepts and terminology. It'll be no exception with sexual orientation and gender identity. I had a taster of my parents confusion when I was a child they caught me crossdressing and automatically they asked me if I was gay. I said no, so they concluded I was a sexual deviant. I am hopeful my mum might be more clued up these days.

[alexbb]

I underestimated my parents, friends, family. I imagined theyd all turn on me when I came out. Kept me in the closet for 7, 8 years! Turns out, theyre all super supportive.
D'oh!
Once you decouple being transgender, well, being female really, with shame, its AMAZING.
I used to have such a hang up about telling people, then I did and it was great. So I did it more. NO ONE has been horrible. Im fully prepared to give 0 fks if they are but so far, 100% nice.
A man who is a nurse sounds like  compassionate person, trust him! This is someone whos cleaned peoples bottoms, mopped up blood and sick, cared for people. It might take a minute for him to get used to things (and it might not!) but if he sees how much happier his child is, hes going to be happy too

[Elsa Delyth]

I think that he'll handle it alright, and accept me. I'm lucky to have a loving father, but it is prudent to wait until I have things sorted out more, and am more stable. I shouldn't do it just because I was vulnerable, because the risks, and chances of being unable to cope with a negative reception are much higher.

I also have to pick myself up out of this rut, and start focusing back on what is important, meaningful, and healthy again.