Hi Everyone ..... below is a letter I've been working frantically on the past couple of days to give out to my older sister & brothers, my nieces & nephews, and my cousins over the upcoming Christmas holiday gatherings. I apologize for the roughness and the length, but I could really use some quick feedback as I'll be traveling most of the day tomorrow and at family events tomorrow night and Thursday .... so I'd like to have something to give then. All comments very much appreciated. Thank you in advance!!!!
To Everyone – Sisters, Brothers, Nieces & Nephews, Cousins, & relatives,
I am writing you this letter to inform you of something I have struggled with for a very, very long time. This will be the hardest and most difficult letter I've ever written in my life of 43 years, and it just so happens to be addressed to my beloved family. What I am about to tell you dates back to some of my earliest childhood memories, and has for the past 14 years or so consumed every fiber of my being from thoughts, feelings and my everyday way of life. Much thought & consideration has gone into the past, present & future and I believe now is the right time to come forward to everyone.
All of my life, I have been struggling with a condition called Gender Dysphoria. Simply stated, I am a Transgendered. Many of you may wonder exactly what this word means and the textbook definition is pretty straightforward: Transgender is a term used for people whose gender identity (or expression) is different from that typically associated with their sex assigned at birth. The term "Gender Identity" referenced in the definition refers to a person's intrinsic psychological (not physical) identification as a man, woman or somewhere between these gender spectrums. As you know, I was born as a male. I don't identify this way and haven't for many years now.
At this point, this is ..... for all practical purposes, a much more jarring proclamation to you than it is to me. I've had many years to come to terms with being transgender and the realization of what it all means, you've had maybe sixty seconds, literally. Just know this is not something out of the blue or a whimsical wake-up one-day and decide I'm going to be the opposite gender type of thing. I've come to a crossroads in my life where I can no longer suppress who I am. I need to be true to myself, to be completely honest with everyone around me, and to stop running & hiding. I NEED to be me!
Most of my life I have felt something was different. Since some of my earliest childhood recollections, before I could even define what gender was, something felt off in my own body. For years, I thought it was no "big" deal and that it was a phase I would pass through, so I really didn't put much effort into trying to figure it out. No one knew at this point, there was no harm done, and I could chalk it up to curiosity or just simply exploring my more feminine-masculine side. For a long period of time through the later years of high school and college, I buried it deep into my subconscious. The desire to explore my female side would pop up occasionally, but would never be anything sustained, and it was always something I could control.
However, in 2000-2001 it returned with a vengeance and has never left since. Almost immediately, I knew something was different; the feelings were far stronger and much more predominant than ever before, and it was something that wasn't nearly as easily controlled any longer. I knew I needed to figure things out quickly before they spun out of control, so I sought out psychological counseling and started doing my own internet research. Once I had a premonition of being transgender, I quickly learned a couple of key points that pieced many things together: 1) being transgender is not a habit that you can bury, deny or ever break away from; 2) it is not a mindset that you can force to go away; 3) it grows stronger and more invasive into a person life as they age; and 4) it is not something that can be cured through psychotherapy or drugs.
I went through several years of gender and non-gender based counseling, speaking to church pastors, seeing medical doctors and others following these revelations. I spent a lot of money on counseling that I basically had the same conclusions drawn from various different internet sites and forums. At the end of the day, the conclusions were largely the same ..... I was transgender and it was upto me to own up it. It took until April of 2008 for me to fully accept this facet of myself. This realization caused probably the biggest breakdown I've ever had in my life. It was such a life changing event that I can't even begin to describe it, other than it's one of those moments when a huge weight is lifted from you, yet in my case it was equally replaced with a whole new set of challenges and circumstances. I knew at this moment where my life was headed and I was scared to death about my very next breathe much less the greater future.
In all this, you also have my wife and daughters. I've made so many mistakes in this regard I don't even know where to begin. I wish I would have told her about my past prior to dating & getting married, so she at least would have knowledge and a choice. Following that up, I should have been upfront and forthright when this all began again and disclosed what was going on. Instead, I hoped it was like past episodes and would just find it's way to go away again. That obviously didn't happen. There are so many other things as well .... Things such as: not having her discover my inner self, but rather discussing with her what was going on; not spending money on clothes and sneaking around wearing them; being truthful when confronted about my intentions rather than denying them and saying I could stop, I would stop ..... only to know deep down that stopping was impossible. Plus, so many other things too numerous to mention. My wife and I will be getting a divorce in the coming New Year, and it will be for the best for all of us. There is too much hurt, anger, betrayal and any number of other terms to ever reconcile the damage that's been done. Plus, she's made it very clear that she can't ever accept me in any state of transition.
So, what does all this mean?
Well, the only definitive cure for someone who is transgender, is to transition. There are a lot of varying interpretations and circumstances though with how far people take their own transitions. Some people will just need the essence of dressing and presenting as their preferred gender, while others may need to go through hormone treatments, and yet others will invest fully and go through all the necessary surgical procedures. Some are constrained by financial issues, some by geographical, others by access to necessary medical, along with many other reasons.
For me, it means I will be transitioning to some degree stated above from male-to-female. I am happy & content in my decision and all that it will cost me along the way, and I am looking forward to the next challenges in my journey, this coming out letter to you being one of them.
It also means many other things as well for me. I will be starting Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) sometime in early 2015, mostly likely before my next birthday in February. I will also be starting permanent facial hair removal through a process called electrolysis. I have already started presenting as female quite regularly in public thru a part-time job, plus many other normal everyday tasks such as going to the gas station, shopping, going out to eat, to name a few. I am also working on my voice for a higher pitch and resonance.
It will also means, once the time is right, I'll be changing some legal documents & identification to reflect my chosen new name of Jennifer Elizabeth or Jenni. Last name will remain the same.
As for surgical procedures, I haven't concluded if I want any, and if I did, just which ones would I go through. They are expensive and at this time not a lot of insurance carriers cover these expenses.
One very important thing to know is this is not a "choice", as so many people like to think, and contrary to maybe what your own perceptions are, I want to make sure that it is clear this is not a choice. I can't fathom a person making a conscious choice to physically transcend genders (to any degree) and go through all the turmoil and life upheaval that is created in doing so .... It's quite literally pure hell. I am not deciding to become a girl. This is me allowing myself to be who I am, and it is the only route that I can take, because I am done lying about who I am. In going through this, to whatever degree I proceed in the future, the following are going to become true statements: I will become a second citizens in the eyes of many; I am going to open myself up to discrimination & hate; I am going to jeopardize my job security; I am going to lose my wife and kids; I am opening myself up to abandonment and rejection by family & friends; I am going into a world of a lot of unknowns and social troubles ...... and it's not something that I would choose to do. I'm also going to incur debt due to medical bills and procedures, and this is not something I would choose.
Up until 2013, many experts in both the psychology and medical fields believed this was a mental disorder as classified in the previous Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) IV (4th edition). In the 4th edition, gender incongruence was referenced as "Gender Identity Disorder (G.I.D.)", therefore meaning it was mental in nature. Through decades of medical science advancements, there is now a widely held belief between medical and psychological professionals that gender incongruence is biological in nature, caused during fetal formation by nothing more than a "slightly" off series of hormonal developments. The new updated DSM V (5th edition) was released in 2013, and G.I.D. was reclassified to gender dysphoria, taking out the mental disorder part and classifying it as a medical condition, therefore allowing for medical related treatments.
Essentially stated, my mind was developed "female", but in the body of a male, and it's been this way since I was born, regardless of how I was raised or the influences within my upbringing. This is not anyone's fault. I've had a very good life so far with great parents whom we all know and love, and there's many more years to come.
Imagine for a second here what this might be like. You are obviously living your given birth sex and currently your mind matches that appearance, but let's think about it for a second that your mind is opposite your given body. You see the world as a guy or girl, but your body is opposite. You are then pushed along by society's preconceived notions of our bi-gendered world with its pressures & traditions to fit into positions and identities that are increasingly uncomfortable to you, even unpalatable to you. Then one day, you realize that your very existence is laced with ½ truths, too many lies and an ocean worth of deceptions, and you feel there is nothing you can or could do about it.
This is how it is for me, each and every day! I won't go so far as saying this is how it's always been since my earliest recollections as a child, but it does go back far longer than I care to admit.
