Manageable dysphoria

[SuchisLife]

So, I've had gender dysphoria since I was a teen, and I'm 32 now.  It was really much worse then than it is now.  Severe depression etc.  The dysphoria more or less lifted when I joined the military and was depressed about other things!   My general state of depression lifted after I was in the military for awhile.

Since then, the dysphoria has been really hit/miss.  When I was 24-ish, I dwelled on it for around 8-months or so.  If I'd known then what I do now, I would've most likely tried transitioning (not married, younger, etc).  After that timeframe passed, I've been more or less constantly thinking about it to varying degrees for the past year and a half, but not much in-between these two periods.  Other than that, things have been alright without too much thought into it.  I don't know if it's distractions that keep it away or whether it's something else.   

So my question for you all is, given that things don't change, would it be worth it to just bear out the hard times by ignoring it?  To phrase it another way, if your gender dysphoria was like I've described, would you just try to live a "normal" life with the chance you would eventually be overcome by the need and have to transition later in life?

Obviously, I know the answer for me has to be answered by me, but I'm curious what others have to say about it.

[SuchisLife]

Now that I think about it more, there was a time around 21-22 as well.  That's when I first found out hormones would feminize your body, but I didn't know to what extent really.  I didn't know it would feminize your face until I was 30.

[sam79]

Hi. Dysphoria can be tricky. The general consensus is that it tends to get worse over time, although this is not true for everyone. Consider that only a fraction of people suffering dysphoria actually transition. And on that note, there are so many other paths that can help alleviate gender dysphoria without actually transitioning, and that really is key. A full transition is a last resort. It's long term, expensive, exhausting, and destructive on those around us.

My opinion from what you've said, it's not likely that a full transition would be something you'd need to worry about.

But please, please, talk to a gender therapist about this. And we're always here for support regardless of what you do .

[SuchisLife]

After my teenage years, it has been worse each time.  When I was young it was the worst, though. By far. 

Part of the problem may be how disconnected I am from my emotions since I was a teen.  I have emotions now, but they're definitely more disconnected for me than most.  Maybe part of the reason it's getting worse is I'm getting better at dealing with emotions than I have been in the past.  I think it may be my coping mechanism or something.  I'm really good at ignoring things, for the most part.  My wife and I joke that I'm dead inside, but we have dark humor. 

[jasellebelle]

After my teenage years, it has been worse each time.  When I was young it was the worst, though. By far. 

Part of the problem may be how disconnected I am from my emotions since I was a teen.  I have emotions now, but they're definitely more disconnected for me than most.  Maybe part of the reason it's getting worse is I'm getting better dealing with emotions than I have been in the past.  I think it may be my coping mechanism or something.  I'm really good at ignoring things, for the most part.  My wife and I joke that I'm dead inside, but we have dark humor. 

Hey there,

Well you pretty much described how I am too. I think not showing much emotion, for me, was a way of showing I am tough and masculine. I too, am in touch with more of my emotions than before, but I still reserve myself around others. This could be because I fear of showing my "true" side. Perhaps internalizing your actual thoughts and feelings can enable the depression too; which seems to be a byproduct of the dysphoria.

As to whether or not to transition is really the million dollar questions for a lot of us. I am in the early discovery phase like you. Like Sammy said, there are different methods and degrees of managing the dysphoria, either by transitioning fully or low dose hormones. Right now, I am seeking therapy and taking one step at a time, even if I feel like diving in the transition pool head first sometimes. One day I will feel no need to transition and think to myself I am manly and the dysphoria is gone, then hours later that feeling of femininity is right back and pestering away at my thoughts. Unlike you, mine has become more persisting than earlier years. Perhaps its the fact I am more aware of it, or it is years of suppressed thoughts and emotions being released.

I hope a little insight on my experience thus far has helped you in some shape or form. Best of luck with whatever you decide!

[SuchisLife]

Thanks for the reply!  It's definitely helpful to hear different points of view.

[airamyb]

I am very close in a age to you, and I can go down the line and say I felt everything you did in my twenties and thirties. For me, the damn broke two years ago and then I had a loss that pushed my dysphoria into the back closet for a while.

I am also early in the phase of exploring these feelings, and I have found ways to help manage my dysphoria in the interim while I figure out how to balance my current gender fluidity. One thing I've found is as these repressed feelings come to the surface, I found myself tempted to leap quickly into contemplating a full MTF transition. However, I can say I enjoy alot of things about being male (mostly social, interests and career wise), but I have a persistent body dysphoria.

In trying to figure out if I should transition fully, partially, or not at it all is how much does my dysphoria impact my life, and how important is my body dysphoria in the total picture of my life thus far.

Good luck to you, you've found the right place for support.

[suzifrommd]

For myself, I did not have crushing dysphoria like a lot of people, but I'm really, really glad I transitioned. Life as a female is far more natural, and much better aligns with who I am. If you are like me, transitioning would be a strong positive even if you don't have intense dysphoria.

[jeni]

I'm a few years older than you, but have a somewhat similar story, though I never experienced deep depression and the dysphoria was always pretty minimal. For me, there has always been this sense that something was wrong. I had dreams and fantasies of changing into a girl, but told myself they were just fantasies. I think that was largely because I perceived it impossible to do anything about, so they just got hidden away and not acknowledged. I wasn't miserable as a guy, so it was fairly easy to do that.

It took me a long time to take these feelings seriously (~30 years), but they've exploded since I did. I've been taking various little steps toward feminization and, surprisingly to me, each one made me desire the next step even more. It's getting to be hard to be patient. Along with this, I've realized that I did have somewhat stronger dysphoria than I thought. This is especially so for my genitals. Even as I started this, I guess I was just kind of "blah" about them. Now, they're annoying and while I still don't "hate" them, I would really rather they not be there. I just don't relate to the anatomy.

For me, as I've started taking this more seriously, I've gotten more serious and more confident that I want to transition. I feel like the growing desire to transition and detachment from my masculinity are pretty strong signs that this is something I need to do. I do have the same worries about career/friends/etc that many of us have, though. However, I am at the point where that's a secondary consideration. Yes, it's important and will be planned for, but clinging to my birth gender to get a job is not a strategy that's going to work for me.

So I guess my thought is that it's a good idea to give yourself as much a chance as you can to explore the feelings you're having, even if you dont want to commit to transitioning. It sounds like you *can* manage the dysphoria, but that's not quite the question I think you should ask. The question is do you *want* to manage it? (That is a deeper question than it looks, I don't just mean "would you like to?")

[SuchisLife]

If I wasn't married, I would probably transition immediately.  I also have side interests which definitely benefit from me being male, but I don't know that they're enough to prevent it.  I've want to be a female for a long time, but I didn't really realize it was actually obtainable. 

I do appreciate all the comments thus far.  It's a different perspective than a lot of the "change or die" narratives I see.  I relate to what you said, airamyb.  I also just have body dysphoria, though I don't hate anything in particular, while enjoying some "male" things.  I'd just rather be female, and I've also been tempted to just leaping in with a full MTF transition.  If I had followed through with what I felt in my early 20's instead of ignoring/suppressing it, I'm positive I would have already transitioned.

My plan right now is to get with a therapist, and I'll try everything slowly like you, Jeni.  I guess the thing which convinces me the most it's the right direction is I'm not intimidated by the transition process at all, just the social ramifications of it.

As far as your comment Suzi, one can hope. 

[jeni]

It is hard to believe it's obtainable, isn't it? Once that reality hit me, everything else just started cascading...

I have a lot of "male" things I like to do, but I'm trying to remember that, independently of my gender, I don't believe those things should be "male" or "female" in the first place. It'll take a while to figure out which aspects of my personality and habits are "me" and which are "me playing a boy." The first ones I'll keep, and to heck with the seconds.

[stephaniec]

therapy should definitely help get a better perspective of things

[ElizMarie]

Like many others here, I too am in a battle to manage dysphoria.  I'm almost too old to transition, at least IMHO, at 61.  Since I'm married with 2 adult children and 5 grandchildren, I don't want to wreck a bunch of people's lives in order to save my own sanity.  This is further complicated by a family who would be very non-accepting.  If I transitioned, it's pretty much guaranteed that I will be by myself without contact from any of them.

Without my family's knowledge, I've been working with a gender therapist to determine what I need to do to manage my dysphoria.  At this point, I don't know if that will involve crossdressing occasionally, or if I will need to transition regardless of what will result. 

I do know that I feel more calm, collected, and much more confident when presenting as a woman (in spite of not passing, particularly).  Unconsciously, the pitch of my speech rises, my mannerisms become more feminine (automatically), and I smile more.  It's almost like becoming a different person.  The first few times, it freaked me out, quite frankly.  It was like, who is this other person?  But I find that I love that person more and more, and I want her more and more in my life because "she's" more who I want to be. 

The next few months will be fascinating, to say the least.

[Foxglove]

It is hard to believe it's obtainable, isn't it? Once that reality hit me, everything else just started cascading...

I had dreams and fantasies of changing into a girl, but told myself they were just fantasies. I think that was largely because I perceived it impossible to do anything about, so they just got hidden away and not acknowledged.

One thing I've found is as these repressed feelings come to the surface, I found myself tempted to leap quickly into contemplating a full MTF transition.

For myself, I did not have crushing dysphoria like a lot of people, but I'm really, really glad I transitioned. Life as a female is far more natural, and much better aligns with who I am. If you are like me, transitioning would be a strong positive even if you don't have intense dysphoria.

So many people are saying so many things here that I can relate, too.  Our experiences are so different in ways, so similar in ways.  A lot of people say that they never felt gender dysphoria as keenly as others.  That's certainly true of me--but I think the main reason I never felt it very keenly was because I was so skilled at repressing it.  Play dead.  Don't feel a thing.  Once I allowed myself to really feel it, I wanted to do something about it.  My big regret is that I didn't allow myself to really feel it and then do something about it long before I did.

Each person has to figure out where they are.  But if you leave it too long, you can regret it.

[jeni]

Play dead.  Don't feel a thing. 

Conceal, don't feel, put on a show... make one wrong move and everyone will know.

Let it go!

[ChrissyChips]

For me dysphoria is just a symptom of the true issue.  And that issue is, I AM female..I am NOT male. I know this to my very core.  It was when I accepted and understood this that I decided to transition.

I've had and dealt with dysphoria my whole life and I'm pretty sure I could have continued to deal with it, but truly realizing that you are a female, that's a little trickier to brush under the carpet.

[JoanneB]

After trying for well over 30 years what you are asking about I speak with some authority on the subject. YMMV

It works, but it doesn't. The dysphoria does not go away. If you totally ignore it your soul will rot away. I always needed to get a break a maleness by cross-dressing at least once a month. About every few years to ten, did low dose HRT as a brain reset. Then back to almost normal.

My advice, try it. You can ALWAYS try something different. Tweak things a bit. Just as gender is not binary neither is how to handle GD. I am holding down a high pressure job, dealing with a semi invalid wife of 30 years, lived part-time for a while, on regular HRT for 6 years. And I am more unsure about transition then I ever was since finally accepting who and what I am. Stopped the shame and guilt (well, sort of). I am finally happy being in my own skin. Though, in an ideal world I wish someday soon to feel just a tad more genuine all the time

[airamyb]

If

My plan right now is to get with a therapist, and I'll try everything slowly like you, Jeni.  I guess the thing which convinces me the most it's the right direction is I'm not intimidated by the transition process at all, just the social ramifications of it.

I am also going slow, but my therapist is pushing me to see what my rights would be to diffuse some of my concerns around the legal and day to day aspects of transitioning (bathrooms, TSA, employment law, etc.), but the social aspect petrifies me too. Regardless, I am putting a plan together just in case that day comes.

For me the medical side is the easiest, I don't feel a deep genital dysphoria, never harmed myself, but I know I would prefer to have a female body. I get some relief when I wear female clothing, but if I stuff a bra or wear breast forms, I want to cry sometimes because they're not mine. I generally avoid mirrors when I dress to avoid triggering my dysphoria.

But to avoid upsetting my social life I carry on, and try to find altenative outlets to channel the anxious energy I harbor.

Thanks all in this post for showing me I am not alone.