Something I wrote

[Danielle Emmalee]

Not looking for opinions or agreement/disagreement, just a feeling that's been building up inside me.

Everytime I hear or read the words "used to be a man", I just cringe. I find it disturbing and it hurts me to think of people seeing/talking about me that way.

I used to think I was a man, so did everyone around me, I even had documents all throughout my life that implied the same. That is not indicative of me previously being a man, it's just indicative of the awful, awful mistake that was made in categorizing me.

I was not born male, I was not a young boy, I did not become a young man. I was born female, only some doctor decided that I was male. I was a young girl, my family and others around me just treated me like I was a boy. I became a young woman, only I was ravaged by the effects of testosterone and years of having the belief that I was male brainwashed into my head. And I am now an adult woman.

My transition is not about going from male to female, it's about going from pretending to be male to truly being myself and fixing all the damage of those earlier years.

I don't blame anyone for that damage, only society in general. But, please, stop referring to me as previously male. If you must discuss what it is that makes me transgender, please use the words, "assigned as male"

Also, I do realize that a lot of transgender people do embrace the whole, "used to be a man/woman" thing. And that's perfectly fine for them to do so. But that doesn't make it right to apply that to all trans people.

[KittyKat]

I enjoyed reading that. It expresses the stolen childhood and experiences growing up that I feel I really was robbed of and I'm only doing the best I can now to correct it and live the rest of my life true to myself. I'm hoping to have a relationship with my son where he can express himself. He's only 2 but we have gotten him a princess toy because he pointed to it and wanted it, I'm glad my wife isn't going to suppress anything if he brings it up.

[missymay]

I understand what you're saying.  Before I transitioned, I rarely if ever referred to myself as a man, I instead used the term "guy", because it seemed to make it more bearable somehow, if I had to label myself.

[DanielleA]

When I am around close people that I am truely comfortable around I usually say that "I was like a boy"  and became a woman. If around people I am uncertain with but still know about my trans history I will flat out deny my boyishness.

[katrinaw]

Not looking for opinions or agreement/disagreement, just a feeling that's been building up inside me.

Everytime I hear or read the words "used to be a man", I just cringe. I find it disturbing and it hurts me to think of people seeing/talking about me that way.

I used to think I was a man, so did everyone around me, I even had documents all throughout my life that implied the same. That is not indicative of me previously being a man, it's just indicative of the awful, awful mistake that was made in categorizing me.

I was not born male, I was not a young boy, I did not become a young man. I was born female, only some doctor decided that I was male. I was a young girl, my family and others around me just treated me like I was a boy. I became a young woman, only I was ravaged by the effects of testosterone and years of having the belief that I was male brainwashed into my head. And I am now an adult woman.

My transition is not about going from male to female, it's about going from pretending to be male to truly being myself and fixing all the damage of those earlier years.

I don't blame anyone for that damage, only society in general. But, please, stop referring to me as previously male. If you must discuss what it is that makes me transgender, please use the words, "assigned as male"

Also, I do realize that a lot of transgender people do embrace the whole, "used to be a man/woman" thing. And that's perfectly fine for them to do so. But that doesn't make it right to apply that to all trans people.

Your fourth paragraph and on is so true for me too...

People can be very unkind, sometimes without realising, mainly through ignorance... I do not know exactly how you can stop it, unless you know the people well enough to explain and point them to educational sites on the subject matter.

People always seem to want to categorise regardless, whether its sexual preference, ethnicity or body size, without stopping to think of the pain it may cause.

Don't let it get you down tho 

L Katy

[Sincerely Tegan]

I understand what you're saying.  Before I transitioned, I rarely if ever referred to myself as a man, I instead used the term "guy", because it seemed to make it more bearable somehow, if I had to label myself.

This. I've always done this, too. "Guy" just seems so much better than "man."

"Man" always felt like an ugly word to me.

[sam79]

It really is tricky to understand for me, and I've lived it.

Before transition, I wasn't a guy. I tried, but really didn't do very well. Even just trying to be a guy felt like I was betraying myself. But I didn't entirely feel like a woman either, regardless of the knowledge that I am. I blame the T for that, it added that 'fog' over everything. With hindsight, it feels like I was something else, perhaps just a hollow person in waiting? Beyond dysphoria, life had always felt wrong in every social way, and so I never took part and essentially wasn't really living. Any form of distraction, or anything that would numb the mind was my crutch.

If I had to label what I used to be, I think it more closely resembles being a tom-boy.

Although luckily, not many people in my life know my past, so it never comes up anyway lol.

[suzifrommd]

I agree, Danielle. I think I DID used to be a man - I thought of myself as one, as did everyone else, so it would be a stretch to call me any other gender.

But my experience is not universal. Lots of trans women always saw themselves that way, so I wouldn't presume to impose my language on others.

I'll have to say, though, that it steams me when other trans women take me to task for saying I used to be a man (happens a lot, even here).

Can't we all just understand that experiences differ?

[Tessa James]

As you say Danielle you were expressing a feeling and I doubt anyone has the right to challenge how you feel about yourself.  We all have the right to our feelings and that was your story to tell.  I would guess plenty of us have lived as a boy or man.  I was one who did a pretty good job of learning what was expected of me on a superficial basis.  We can learn to act like what we are not and most of us did that too well for too long perhaps?

I submit what we cannot learn easily, if at all, is to feel and inhabit that intrinsic identity that does not depend on our appearance.  It is our core identity and for some it was recognized very early on and well before mannerisms or clothes were a factor.  For others the camouflage and coping came coincident to growing up and is part of the baggage.  I tried to toss the baggage out but i didn't feel honest about furthering any more denial in my life.

The truth for me is that I lived as a boy and man and now I live as a female person or girl and may yet feel more of a woman in time.

Diversity within the transgender community is part of our strength and there is room for all of us no matter the labels of the day.

[awilliams1701]

Unfortunately even people that are supportive of transgender people seem to find it easier to say "you used to be a man" rather than "you were assigned the male sex at birth, but since you are actually female you transitioned later on in life." You can see the difference in length and people prefer to keep it short and to the point.

[Minervham]

Not looking for opinions or agreement/disagreement, just a feeling that's been building up inside me.

Everytime I hear or read the words "used to be a man", I just cringe. I find it disturbing and it hurts me to think of people seeing/talking about me that way.

I used to think I was a man, so did everyone around me, I even had documents all throughout my life that implied the same. That is not indicative of me previously being a man, it's just indicative of the awful, awful mistake that was made in categorizing me.

I was not born male, I was not a young boy, I did not become a young man. I was born female, only some doctor decided that I was male. I was a young girl, my family and others around me just treated me like I was a boy. I became a young woman, only I was ravaged by the effects of testosterone and years of having the belief that I was male brainwashed into my head. And I am now an adult woman.

My transition is not about going from male to female, it's about going from pretending to be male to truly being myself and fixing all the damage of those earlier years.

I don't blame anyone for that damage, only society in general. But, please, stop referring to me as previously male. If you must discuss what it is that makes me transgender, please use the words, "assigned as male"

Also, I do realize that a lot of transgender people do embrace the whole, "used to be a man/woman" thing. And that's perfectly fine for them to do so. But that doesn't make it right to apply that to all trans people.

I agree. In my mind I've always been "me", changing my name and dress code doesn't make me a different person, it just means I'm switching out book covers. The way I see it, "man" and "woman" are just labels that get attached to people.

[Danielle Emmalee]

Unfortunately even people that are supportive of transgender people seem to find it easier to say "you used to be a man" rather than "you were assigned the male sex at birth, but since you are actually female you transitioned later on in life." You can see the difference in length and people prefer to keep it short and to the point.

Let me shorten it for you then, "incorrectly assigned as male", fewer words than "used to be a man."  no excuse

[Danielle Emmalee]

If someone seriously has issues with using what I request because it's too long, I have a couple of short words for them.

[misty2]

Hi Danielle,

I enjoy your writing. I appreciate the way you think.

I often say a variation of these things:

"categorized as male"
"Incorrectly categorized as male."
"during the time when I was living as a male." (which is usually in situations where I have mentioned how i was incorrectly categorized.)

I no longer worry about my descriptions being too long. I do force my listener to be patient when it is necessary for me to have a discussion in this area. We simply do not have the correct word(s) to describe our "situation". Also, it become difficult to allow for the possibility, in most discussions, that gender is not Binary.

As seen above, an additional area in which I still struggle is using the words such as my "condition" or our "situation" or my "predicament" or something else even more extreme... Medical Condition, Dysphoria?

Kind Regards,

Dani

[katrinaw]

Let me shorten it for you then, "incorrectly assigned as male", fewer words than "used to be a man."  no excuse

Beautifully put 

L Katy

[awilliams1701]

It may be fewer words, but its longer to say and its still confusing to people that aren't educated about us. If you tell someone you were "Incorrectly assigned as male" and their response is "huh? what the heck does that mean?" you will have to educate them to avoid saying "used to be a man". Maybe this will change in the next decade, but the general public lacks enough education on trans people for this statement to actually work.

Let me shorten it for you then, "incorrectly assigned as male", fewer words than "used to be a man."  no excuse

[Danielle Emmalee]

It may be fewer words, but its longer to say and its still confusing to people that aren't educated about us. If you tell someone you were "Incorrectly assigned as male" and their response is "huh? what the heck does that mean?" you will have to educate them to avoid saying "used to be a man". Maybe this will change in the next decade, but the general public lacks enough education on trans people for this statement to actually work.

It seems like you think I expect people to just know without talking to me.  That's pretty silly.  I would not expect anyone whether educated on the matter or not to know how I want to be referred to as. 

[awilliams1701]

I'm just more concerned about them seeing me currently as a girl/woman than my birth situation. I used to be under 10 pounds, but that's not really relevant. So while I understand why you wouldn't like "I used to be a man" to me as long as you get the point across its more important not that they saw you as a man vs assigned male in the past, but as a woman in the here and now.

It seems like you think I expect people to just know without talking to me.  That's pretty silly.  I would not expect anyone whether educated on the matter or not to know how I want to be referred to as.

[Danielle Emmalee]

....okay?

[Wynternight]

I agree with you wholeheartedly, Danielle. I tell the few people who know at this point that I was incorrectly called a boy when I was born but I was never a man.

Of course the whole intersexed things puts a wrinkle in it but that's another can of worms.