Metamorphosis and mourning

[Bols]

I've been fighting with my wife for days. It's the intense stresses in our lives, and my dysphoria.
I got rid of all non essential guy clothes in a fit of anger. I took down our photos. It hurt her terribly. But then the photos continuously hurt me due to my dysphoria, even though they are filled with so much love.

We talked about it today. She told me how much that hurt and how she is still in mourning for the loss of me (as I was). I told her that I'm very sorry I hurt her, and I completely understand. I told her that everything had exploded out in a fit of despair. I told her that I was happy she had said something to me. Now I know a little more about what is going on for her. She holds her cards so close. I can rarely glimpse what's going on in real time. She apologised.

She knows my dysphoria is running rampant. She knows I don't have time to sit and think much about pathways to take. I told her that sometimes her silence seems like denial. I know mourning has an element of denial.

I'm just worried that she'll miss the boat with me. And I don't want to leave without her. I want to take my journey with her. If at all possible.

[Alice Rogers]

That really is a difficult situation honey, I empathise. As a MtF myself I totally understand how you feel about old pictures of yourself, it turns my stomach every time I see a pic of me when I was still pretending to be male.

Might I suggest replacing pictures instead of removing them? Find some new opnes that you don;t hate, put them in the same frames even, work your way through them one by one replacing good current memories with old ones, it will make the transition easier for her to cope with I think.

[Sammy]

It is really hard time for both of You, but please please please as a matter of courtesy do one final favour for her. Dont speed things up so she cant catch up with You and... before You take those final steps, whatever they might be in Your case, please allow to bid final farewell to "him" because she will not meet that person anymore. It might be very important to her and have a tremendous impact on how Your further relationship will evolve.

[suzifrommd]

Marriage issues during transition were the hardest of any for me.

I had to accept that my wife needed to decide for herself whether married to me as a female was for her. I had no control and anything I did other than let her figure it out on her own would make it worse.

I'm very glad that I didn't delay my transition for her. I needed to be who I was. It was up to her whether she remained married to me.

She left. It was painful, but the right thing for both of us.

A lot of wives stay. But yours will have to make up her own mind.

Good luck, and hugs. This is the hard part.

[Kira357]

I am currently going through transition and divorce too. It has been extremely difficult for both of us because we had a "picture-perfect" marriage up until i decided to transition. As the changes became more obvious, it was more difficult fo her to see her husband disappearing. My dysphoria was getting real bad as a result, and depression hit both of us hard. We started fighting real bad, so we decided to separate. 

It has been painful being apart, but has the best thing for both of us. We talk via phone a couple times a week, and we're not fighting anymore. We miss each other,  but it really eased her resentment and my dysphoria.

Sorry you are having to deal with it, and i know your pain. Try getting some time apart to focus on yourselves, it's a big step but probably necessary for you as it was for us. PM me if you need to talk... hugs, ~K

[Bols]

Thank you everyone for your kind messages of support and advice. My wife and I have had good and bad points since my original post. I did get a very complicated statement that my wife will do her very best to be there for better or worse, better for me, worse for her I suppose. In any case, it gives me a glimmer of hope, which is what I've been surviving on for so long. She wants me to be happy, which is another wonderful part of it, even though it may turn bitter sweet if she leaves. There are kids involved, little ones, and it would break my heart to separate. Hopefully what we can achieve will be something greater than if we had lived an empty hetero stereotypical existence.

[LizMarie]

We can't force someone to be or stay with us. I found this out myself. All we can do is respect the choices they make, even if they hurt. So my recommendation to you is to work on accepting what she chooses, to explain and be patient but don't demand or pressure. If she stays, be thankful and express that to her as well as you can. And if she leaves, thank her for what time you had together and wish her the best of luck in the rest of her life.

[lorena]

I have been going through something similar. As it becomes more and more clear that I need to transition and I have discussed this with my wife, I can see how much this is affecting her and it breaks my heart. There are times when I which I could just say "do not worry", but I know this would not be honest. It is so hard that in order to be ourself we have to sometimes affect the people we love the most. I do not know how I am going to do without her, but I can not continuing living a live that is not mine. I just hope she has the strength to pull throughout his too and hopefully we will remain friends. i so much which she could just accept me and support me....but she has made it clear this is not an option, no matter how much she loves me.

[JoanneB]

I can sympathize with not liking pictures of yourself in male mode, I sure don't. Looking in a mirror even more so. The "It's painfully real" factor sucks.

One trans couple I know, sort of went through the same photo issue. The compromise that was struck was everything can go except... for one wedding photo. Like who can argue about that?

My wife and I have had some very difficult times early on this process. On her side is dealing with all the feelings of being lied to, betrayal, feeling stupid, seeing the entire marriage unilaterally turn upside down. For me, trying to grasp onto every straw I can in an effort to not totally explode my world as I try to get a handle on what sort of changes I need to do to preserve my sanity. Our deep love and especially the very hard open and honest talks have been the most important things keeping us together.

Six years in she still isn't all that thrilled over some aspects the changes. Though I still present male my body has changed, but not nearly as much as my spirit, my soul, has. Some things she kinda feels a bit freaked out about, yet is thrilled over how much I have grown personally and am finally becoming a for real person. One that is happy being me.

I cannot ask her to promise to stay with me for the entire ride. Nor can I reasonable expect her to. I can only hope she does. Much the same as she constantly worries about me finding a Mr. Right and dumping her. Two years ago I would have said that is totally crazy. Today I am not so sure what tomorrow will bring.

One baby step at a time. One day at a time.