i'm not talking about how i try to compensate for the things i've missed, but how my fate is compensating for screwing up my gender. i don't know how many of you remember that i sat for our school's finals and the results were due (i don't know how many of you remember me anyway, since i've been out of touch for some time) anyway we got the results last week and... yeah i've come out among the best ranks in the country. i'm sort of a hero these days to my family, teachers and friends and they're congratulating me and celebrating and i'm like... i don't know. i don't want this attention. i don't want to become famous while presenting like this. they've got me on newspapers and even on tv once. i hate this attention. and i hate the way they praise me- like they're trying to use all kinds of cute words to call me adoringly, none of which are what you'd call a guy with. i had to try very hard to keep a straight face whenever somebody did that. hope i didn't wince too noticeably. and they're buying me presents that are intended for girls- for example handbags and... yeah my lifelong enemy earrings. i have to accept them and pretend to be happy, not only that they want me to use those stuff. i was thinking of giving away the bags but the earrings... they're gold and expensive and mom wants me to wear them to make our aunt's family who gave them happy. (maybe you remember i finally managed to get rid of the customary earrings thanks to an allergic rash. the thing is the rash has subsided now)
that's just the troubles i can come up with now. it's nice to see everyone so happy and content because of me but when it in turn stabs me from behind i'm feeling it's a bit over-compensating. they're saying i'm a blessed child but they're seeing only one face of it. on the other side only i know how cursed i am with my gender expression. now with the excitement going on i can't think of coming out to parents and ruining their happiness. now that i've become quite famous in the academic field it won't be possible to transition without having to answer many a curious individuals. why? why do i have to face this? i feel like my fate is trying to compensate for screwing up my gender by blessing me with academic success, but doing too much of it that it becomes a pain again. i cried last night. wish i were normal.
and it's so terrible when life seems so perfect from outside in current circumstances, that i sometimes get carried away and think maybe i should give up my plans for transition and live the life i'm supposed to, accepted by the society. then again i realize i can't bear to move forward in life without taking a step to present as a guy. i can't bear to start university presenting as female. then i feel horrible, that though it looks so perfect from outside i'm living in my personal hell, and feel i have no escape from it.
