I cant say I transitioned
that early - started down the path when I was 21, started HRT at 24, full time at 25, even though I knew a lot earlier that it had to happen.
Really, the main reason it didnt happen any earlier was kind of a symptom of itself, if that makes any sense. Puberty was my "wake up call", as it were - by about age 13 or 14 I knew there was something wrong with what was happening to my body, and later learned about exactly what transsexualism and transition were at about 16 (thank you internet). During that time there was a lot of guiltily wearing my mothers or sisters clothes, religiously trying to remove any trace of body hair, vehemently avoiding any kind of activity that could be construed as "male-typical". My depression escalated rather badly, and the whole high-school thing certainly wasn't helping. I was pretty much made a social outcast, getting abused and beaten up because people thought I was gay because I acted so "girly". Which got a hell of a lot worse when a picture of me kissing this boy who I kind of had a thing for somehow got circulated at school (and by circulated, I mean hundreds of copies made and posted up on walls around the school - I still have no idea how that happened, I hadnt even realised at the time someone had taken a picture, certainly the few other people there that might have seen what happened didnt to the best of my knowledge know anyone from my school). Knowing how badly I was being treated in a social sense because people thought I was gay was enough for me to start feeling like if I actually transitioned, long before it made my life liveable in any serious way I'd probably get beaten to death by those same people.
Somehow managed to survive high-school with no serious physical injuries (although probably way too many emotional ones), moved away from home, got on drugs to try and numb myself from the pain of knowing I was a girl but being too scared of what would happen when the world found out. Got to the point where I realised that what I was doing to try and hide everything from the world was probably hurting me much more than fixing the problem would, so I got into therapy with a gender therapist. Spent almost a year and a half concentrating less on my gender stuff and more on trying to build my esteem and confidence to a point where I felt I could cope with transitioning. Tried to start HRT once, freaked out completely, put it off for a year, tried again, and it all kind of clicked. Told family, told my friends. Family was suprised (was shocked I wasnt gay). Friends less so. The depression and the irrational fear pretty much went away, got off drugs, got a good job, made new friends, started living my life instead of simply just existing.
I'm just glad it worked
.
Megan
