Dealing with Anger and other Feels

[Amadeus]

So I'm sitting here wondering if other trans blokes have the same problem I do: a distinct desire to not talk about stuff.

I did a blog post not long ago about why blokes don't talk about stuff.  Two of my cis-male mates read it before it went 'live'.  They both agreed it was true, it was how they felt.

The gist of the blog post was that men are the fixers.  And if we can't fix it, whatever it is, we get angry.  We then want to hit stuff and throw things.  No, we don't talk about it, because talking about it makes it worse.  You have to relive the fact that you can't fix whatever it is and it makes you angrier.  So you just don't talk about it.

Or if it drudges up feels, you sure as hell don't talk about it.  Anything that might make another male think you're weak, you don't display it, you don't talk about it, lest you get ripped on.

What about you guys?  For whatever reason, what are your thoughts/feelings regarding talking about...stuff?  And by stuff I mean emotional crap, aches, pains, the carburettor on your Chevy, why your parents wouldn't let you wear boys' clothes when you were a kid, anything that stirs up anger or feels.

[Kreuzfidel]

I don't really talk about how I feel anymore to anyone.  Not because it's "unmanly" to do so - but just because it never got me anywhere in the past - i.e., no one gave a rat's A about how I felt, so why bother?  I just prefer not to talk about it now, even when asked.

Maybe some guys feel the way you've described.  I know cis guys like that, but I also know a lot who aren't worried about talking about things or feeling or displaying anything that might resemble emotion - because frankly they don't care what anyone else thinks about them. I'd say it's a cultural thing really. 

[NathanielM]

Cultural and personal maybe? It's one of those things people keep telling me will change, and even expect to have changed already (on t since june) but it hasn't. And I doubt it will fully, I'm a talker and I'm emotional. I know both types of guys.

I do get angry a little more, not at people, but that's an emotion I've always had trouble venting and allowing to be and now I can just grumble and be angry about things without it turning into guilt or crying. It's made life a bit easier, because now I can vent more and not explode weeks later :p

[captains]

I'm weird about it.

I like talking about my ->-bleeped-<- in ... idk, almost a performance kind of way? I'll over-share the hell out of my problems here or on other blogging platforms: big ol' overwrought confessions, where every little baby feeling leaks out and I boo-hoo my way to emotional catharsis. That's my jam. I've got it down to an art form. It's scripted, but not disingenuous. I just need the control over what gets shared and what doesn't.

And most importantly, y'all are strangers. I couldn't give less of a damn about talking in front of you guys -- or any randos, really. Feels great. Feels safe. You don't know me, so I ain't threatened.

Talking in front of people who know me? Friends, family, whatever? No. Off-limits. Best case, they learn that I'm an ->-bleeped-<-/loser/wimp/"hurting" and they're sympathetic about it. Worst case is, and lord knows this happens more than anything else, they get more upset than I was, and now not only is my problem still there, but also I've gotta spend all my "fix/deal with this" energy on consoling them and reassuring them I'm fine. If the forces of the universe really want to punish me, I'll get cancer or something. Not 'cause of the physical stuff, but because every minute of my life would be devoted to swaddling the people around me while I quietly puke up my guts behind the scenes.

I don't like sad people and I'm a life-long mediator. I'm sensitive to other people's distress, and I feel strongly that it's my job to solve the unhappiness, whatever the source. I'm also really friggin selfish. If I need help, I'll ask for it, but 9 times out of 10, there's nothing they can do! Why bother telling them when my misery does not appreciate their company? Like, ultimately, I'm upset when other people are upset, and I just don't have the energy to deal with that anymore. Not when I can just shut up and spare myself the exhaustion.

[adrian]

I'm not sure about this in my case. I have always worked through stuff by writing things down, so "verbalizing" is definitely an important aspect of coping with stuff. It's definitely something I had to learn though. And normally I don't let stuff "out" before I have chewed on it for a while, found my own explanations for my feelings and so on.

I do notice a considerable difference between my cis husband and me. He doesn't communicate feelings. Full stop.

[MySongIsLaughter]

I've got a few cis-male friends who've always spoken to me about "stuff" so I feel quite comfortable talking to them. They're also good at initiating the conversation - saying they've noticed something's wrong and asking if I want to talk about it. That helps me to feel like it's ok to talk! Interestingly, I think I'm more inclined to try and "fix" what people are talking to me about than they are - they seem to have mastered the art of listening and just throwing in the odd comforting line!

[CursedFireDean]

I didn't realise this until now, but I've only ever been comfortable having feeling talks with girls. I tried to talk to a guy friend once, but he wouldn't do it. He stopped responding to me even if I made it clear he didn't need to talk too or offer advice, he just needed to listen and acknowledge that he heard me. I later found out from the girl I talk to that he thinks transguys can't talk about stuff to each other. That they don't talk feelings to each other. Ever since then I haven't been able to talk about anything serious with him even though I really do need to bring up some stuff he is doing.
Anyways I think it's partially a cultural thing. And its a culture thing that I didn't really learn, my dad and I talk about feelings just as much as my mom and me.

[LoriLorenz]

A lot of the time I just wanna punch things when my feels rear up. As a female people would tell me that's not cool for me and I should express my feelings in words. But now that I'm out - at least to myself - I totally see where I was always coming from.

Stupid stereotypes can toss us about huh?

We really do need to let people know it's ok for boys to cry and girls to cry and everything in between.

BTW, I still often have the desire to hit things (usually a pillow gets the harsh end of my wrath) but it's rare for me to say it out to people.

On the other hand, I get really emotional when confronted with certain things, expecially when trying to explain why I did XYZ rather than why people THINK I did XYZ. I'm just messed in the head, and maybe I'm ok with that.

[JulianWS]

I didn't realise this until now, but I've only ever been comfortable having feeling talks with girls. I tried to talk to a guy friend once, but he wouldn't do it. He stopped responding to me even if I made it clear he didn't need to talk too or offer advice, he just needed to listen and acknowledge that he heard me. I later found out from the girl I talk to that he thinks transguys can't talk about stuff to each other. That they don't talk feelings to each other. Ever since then I haven't been able to talk about anything serious with him even though I really do need to bring up some stuff he is doing.
Anyways I think it's partially a cultural thing. And its a culture thing that I didn't really learn, my dad and I talk about feelings just as much as my mom and me.

Yep, same here.  My dad has always been there to listen to us talk about our feelings, my mom...not so much.  So it's kind of been reversed for me, and I don't equate manliness with being unable to talk about feelings.  I associate that with too being uncomfortable with the person to do so, and unhealthy communication styles.  I think no talking it has the potential to be limiting at best and very damaging at worst.  I say this coming from a mental health background, so I may be biased, but I've seen the ability of words to heal.  From personal experience, there's a lot that I carry around because I haven't talked about it, and it's a burden that I think most people have to some extent.  I used to express a lot of my emotion through anger because that's how I grew up, thanks to my mom, and learning how to recognize and talk about other feelings has been essential in my self growth.  I still find it really hard to talk about stuff, and much of it I haven't, but without trying, at least, to to move passed that, I would have never gotten to the point of realizing my trans* status without that growth, because my feelings were too muddled and I wasn't able to look at them.

[Amadeus]

The feedback from everyone has been very interesting so far.  It looks like I'm not alone in the 'I don't want to talk about it' group.  On the other hand, I'm glad there are some guys here who are able to talk about things and get good feedback from others.

The only person I've ever felt truly comfortable talking to was my friend Aidan, an American bobtail cat.  Sadly, he died in October.  Took all my secrets to the urn.  Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends' pets, or even my mum's cat.  Then again, Aidan and I had one hell of a bond.

Something my mate Steve said when I showed him my blog post, it was actually a quote from his uncle Ron, and I loved it.  So, of course, I threw it in.

"There is the assumption that 'real' men don't cry but that's only because they always cry alone. A true man can open his heart, and emotions, to those closest and be secure in the knowledge that he will be considered stronger for it. To those outside of this select set all they will ever see is a man with bloody good friends."

[CursedFireDean]

That is a wonderful quote

[anibioman]

I just recently started talking about my feelings. I was told to stop having a pity party, when I would talk about things that upset me as a kid. I would rant to a social worker in high school, now I have a friend I talk to. Its hard finding someone to talk to. Guys don't really talk to guys about their feelings. I will never open up emotionally to a guy who isn't my brother. It just doesn't work. Because I can talk to this friend of mine I think she might be a girl worth seriously dating. We already have an agreement to date/marry when I turn 41 she turns 40 if we are both unattached.

[Amadeus]

I just recently started talking about my feelings. I was told to stop having a pity party, when I would talk about things that upset me as a kid. I would rant to a social worker in high school, now I have a friend I talk to. Its hard finding someone to talk to.

Same thing with me, only I was told to I was "a drama queen", that I was blowing everything out of proportion, that I shouldn't feel a certain way, that what I think happened never really did happen, and my personal favourite, that I needed to just shut up and get over it.

And I wasn't allowed to talk about what happened in the house, i.e., the crazy that is my older brother.  Not even to my therapist, even though my brother was part of the reason I was in therapy.  Needless to say, there are times I really ->-bleeped-<-ing hate my family.

I agree, it is difficult finding someone to talk to, especially after a lifetime of mental and emotional abuse, being metaphorically thrown under the bus countless times, and people just showing that they're not trustworthy.  So you bottle it up until one day you just explode.  Or, if you're lucky, you just pay someone $50 an hour to listen.  Course, if you don't have access to mental health care...and I mean good mental health care...you're screwed.