I find it interesting how powerful music can be. This evening as I was messing around on the web, in the background Kill Bill vol. 1 was on the television. I sort of half watched while reading history stuff, nothing much new, I've never been content occuping myself in a singular activity. The movie was finished with the last sword fight when something began to pull my attention almost completely away from the computer. At first I had a feeling, but not enough to even realzie I was in the process of trying to ID why I felt kind of unsettled inside. Slowly it came to the surface like seeing something very dangerous taking shape in the darkness. I understood, this movie had just arrived on tv when I was at a really really dark and low point in life. With each note the memories came further into focus, with it the pain, and the desperation that can only come from this knowledge: pulling myself out was hopeless. Years of back and forth motions had been tried, the build up of pain, getting to the make or break point, total inward collapse, the resolution, then the inevitable breaking of this self agreement. In the short period of time for the first half of the song to play, I had spiraled down far enough that I/ well enough.
Then out of seemingly nowhere a new realization crept in. I'M NOT THERE ANYMORE! I know, I know, it just sounds weird that the actual reality of my situation could somehow get lost and drowned out by a song, but it did. I now felt strength flowing back, knowing I HAD beat it and I CAN be ME. I never ever want to dive into a pool like that again, but in a funny way I'm glad I did. My inner character is much much more pure, and that message is sent back to me through my eyes in the mirror every single day. I am truly becoming new and tonight any possibe doubt has been removed.
I came close to deleting this, knowing the post was not the important part, it was the experience. I then figured that there must be someone who may be in need. I hope this reaches that person. Dani
