Quick edit: I am afraid I haven't seen a therapist yet. That is something I am also hoping to do. (I know it's really the only way I'm going to even be able to start on hormones.)
Hello all. I am Bryce and am new to this website. It looks like it can help me with a bunch of things I've been struggling with. I have no one else to talk to about this; no one that can understand what I'm going through anyway, and it's driving me crazy. So, I would very much like to get this all off of my chest and maybe get some opinions. Many thanks to those who read and reply.
A quick backstory:
I am ftm, pre everything. I am maybe hoping to start HRT sometime during 2015. I am 25, and out about my transgender(ism?) I am fortunate in that my family is very open and accepting of this, and are even going to pay for my future surgeries. My friends are just as accepting.
Now onto my issues. Like most transgenders, I suffer from dysphoria. Specifically genital dysphoria. This is my major problem. Everything else I know can and will change over time, but it's the one thing that no matter how I look at it, bottom surgery, packers, I will NEVER have a real working penis or testicles. I know this, but my brain still doesn't want to accept this. And I really wish it could. I want to be over this so badly, but I'm constantly reminded that I don't have a penis by various things, mostly my body. And I know a penis doesn't make the man, but having one would definitely make me feel more complete. As I said though, what surgery is offering today won't cut it for me. It won't feel like I have a penis, nor will it look like one. And I realize each surgeon has their own procedure when performing phalloplasty, but when you get right down to it, it's just a tube of rolled up skin attached to your crotch from a skin graph of your arm. Sure, you can pee from it while standing like biological men, and sometimes even have penetrative sex with it, but you're going to lose most of the pleasurable sensations, and you won't get erections naturally. Not to mention, hair will grow on your dick, unless you have electrolysis done on it. (That's when they use a device that uses chemical or heat energy to get rid of hair for a long period of time.) I apologize for possibly offending other men who are, or may be getting this procedure done. I don't disagree with those who do, or want to get it done. These are just my personal opinions on it for ME.
Metoidplasty, the more I look at it, is looking more appealing. You'll have most if not all of your sensations, and you'll get erections naturally. Unfortunately, they are not big enough for penetration, and you'll still have to pack. Which brings up my next dilemma; I like sex. I like feeling pleasure. I feel getting the phallo done will make me feel a little more complete, but I don't want to lose most if all of my sensation down there. With metoid for the most part I'd still have it, but we go back to it being an incredibly small penis that will barely get any job done. It's a possibility that you may not even be able to pee standing up, even with the urethra lengthening. All in all, this is a case of me wanting my cake and eating it too, but I know it's not going to work that way, and this is why I am extremely conflicted. Not to mention that if I fully got the procedure done, it would close my vagina, and in it's place would be testicles (which by the way always look too close to the body. I want mine to hang like a biological male, but I know that's not really possible, given the amount of skin the labia provides for the doctors to work with) the idea of being anally penetrated during intercourse does not appeal to me in the slightest for a couple of reasons:
Being biologically female, I was not born with a prostate, so being anally penetrated won't be as pleasurable for me as it would be for a biological male. Not to say every man would enjoy it, just the ones that do, especially within the gay community. And I know some biological women like it. Either way though, I don't completely want to close up my vagina. At the same time, I do, because I don't wish to be a man with a vagina. Do you see my problem? I'm just so frustrated by it all. I want to stop feeling this way. I want to be able to make one of these decisions and move on, but it's not that simple, and it's incredibly depressing.
