Question on Courage.

[awilliams1701]

I thought I was in a non accepting area. I thought living in Alabama meant certain doom. However turns out that Huntsville Alabama isn't really Alabama. Almost everyone I know here has been super accepting of me.

I actually lucked out in the coming out department. I used to change into my female clothes after 8:00pm with all the windows closed. One day I came downstairs and after a while realized I forgot to close my windows. I don't know if anyone saw me or not, but there was certainly a lot of potential. I was going to close the windows but I said screw it. The next day I worked up the courage to wear a denim skirt in public while walking my dog. The idea was that people might see it as shorts and not a skirt. I have no idea who saw what, but people definitely saw me and no one treated me any differently.

I did the same thing the next day, but this time a teenager decided to be an ass about it. He pulled out his cellphone and recorded me just walking my dog. My dog was not impressed. She decided to go after him when he got too close. I pulled her back and apologized to him even though I heard what he said about me. He said something about me being a walmart freak. At that point I decided I could either let him dicate what he wanted about me to the neighborhood or I could do it myself. So I came out on the neighborhood facebook page. I got a lot of people immediately coming out in support of me. There was one guy I expected to be an ass who was an ass, but didn't make a big deal about it.

I've been out 100% of the time when I'm at home ever since. About a month later I came out at work. Things went even better at work. Coming out was also a huge relief. Now I'm on week 3 of HRT and starting today I get to take a 2nd dose in the evening in addition to my morning dose. I get to live my life as me and not worry about the way other people perceive me.

[Skylar105]

That's really awesome :3 I still live with unaccepting family currently. (No luck in finding a job ATM been searching though.) so I don't really have much freedom to be dressed as I please. I'm really impressed with your bravery :3 to be able to handle that teenager is impressive :3 if I can find a job that allows for my transition it would be fantastic.

But regardless if the job does or not I need the income lol. I wouldn't have as much of a problem if I can get by the income problem. I've been trying to get into the perpetual transition group. I'm typically a girl that does a lot better with someone else than just being alone through it. Lol

[Valerie Rose]

For me the easiest way to get comfortable going out was to start with really small steps.
I found it easiest on rainy days or winter days. For example:
Step 1: I was terrified someone would notice I was wearing a bra, so I hid it under a sweater and my jacket and went to the market to go shopping. (Those things take time to get used to!).
Step 2: Bought womens work shoes in black (simply seeing size 11 instead of 9 made me feel great).
Step 3: Going out with longer hair (I have curly dark brown hair). Except for very short, every other style gives off female. Nobody said anything to me. In fact a lot of girls look fantastic with short shoulder length hair, so I wouldnt worry too much about length.
Step 4: Visit or join a LGBT or trans group in person. It really makes a difference. Even if you have to go there in boy mode and change clothes in the washroom there. Its a safe place to be yourself!
etc... setting goals and timelines to do stuff can help too.

Skylar I wouldn't worry too much about long hair at work, as long as you can tie it back.
One transgirl in my city works at drug store near my home. She uses her female name at work but still presents male and has very long hair tied back. Another transgirl I know works at a market, she presents fulltime and is stealth. There is over 100 trans people in my city that I'm personally aware of. Probably way more. And my city has a population of about 500,000. My point is there is probably more trans people in your city then you might know.

I also recommend watching some trans docs on dvd or youtube. I know some of them are weird or badly done, but I found 2 which I like. Transgeneration and My Transsexual Summer. Both can be found on youtube. The first one is based in the US and the other in the UK. I liked My Transsexual Summer more because I found the people in that doc easier to relate to, maybe cause I'm from Canada? Both docs feature someone who is going to get SRS and someone who is just starting HRT or transition. The reason I recommend to watch them is that reading things on forums is great but seeing it can help too. especially if you dont get out much (correct me if i'm wrong). Watching others and/or knowing others who are going through the same thing us gives me courage.

Sorry if my post seems like it goes all over the place. I'm writing it on the go as I read the replies on this topic.
I really want to drive home the point that you are not alone. I'm sure anyone on this forum would be willing to talk to you day or night whenever you need advice.
On a side note, I know you live in the USA and I in Canada but I want to share with you a website for trans and LGBT people in my province. You can see just how many of us there are, even in low population areas.
http://transbc.ca/regions/

I hope any of this helps anyone reading this with courage. I still need it too! That's why I chose the name Valerie, it means strong, brave (valiant).

[Skylar105]

Thank you so much Valerie you have some very helpful advice! my womens shoe size is also an 11 (thankfully jean size is a 9). Lol I also don't know if my hair is quite long enough without extensions to be tied back. As my hair is about an inch above my shoulders (it looks kind of weird considering I have bangs lol.)  My hair is sooo awful without being straightened (wavy and messy). Out of all the people that have been hateful towards me it managed to be my family mainly. They are such hateful people to the point I wanna scream.

[Stevie]

 For some of us its not about being brave, It's a matter of self preservation.  Can't remember where I read it, but they compared it to running out of a burning building.

[Skylar105]

Most of my problems are income related lol. My family is really on the smite side of religion. I want freedom mainly but it's something I'm currently lacking and there isn't anyone in my family I can talk to. Lol it's like they locked the door to the burning building. (With me being inside).

[BreezyB]

For me the easiest way to get comfortable going out was to start with really small steps.
I found it easiest on rainy days or winter days. For example:
Step 1: I was terrified someone would notice I was wearing a bra, so I hid it under a sweater and my jacket and went to the market to go shopping. (Those things take time to get used to!).
Step 2: Bought womens work shoes in black (simply seeing size 11 instead of 9 made me feel great).
Step 3: Going out with longer hair (I have curly dark brown hair). Except for very short, every other style gives off female. Nobody said anything to me. In fact a lot of girls look fantastic with short shoulder length hair, so I wouldnt worry too much about length.
Step 4: Visit or join a LGBT or trans group in person. It really makes a difference. Even if you have to go there in boy mode and change clothes in the washroom there. Its a safe place to be yourself!
etc... setting goals and timelines to do stuff can help too.

Skylar I wouldn't worry too much about long hair at work, as long as you can tie it back.
One transgirl in my city works at drug store near my home. She uses her female name at work but still presents male and has very long hair tied back. Another transgirl I know works at a market, she presents fulltime and is stealth. There is over 100 trans people in my city that I'm personally aware of. Probably way more. And my city has a population of about 500,000. My point is there is probably more trans people in your city then you might know.

I also recommend watching some trans docs on dvd or youtube. I know some of them are weird or badly done, but I found 2 which I like. Transgeneration and My Transsexual Summer. Both can be found on youtube. The first one is based in the US and the other in the UK. I liked My Transsexual Summer more because I found the people in that doc easier to relate to, maybe cause I'm from Canada? Both docs feature someone who is going to get SRS and someone who is just starting HRT or transition. The reason I recommend to watch them is that reading things on forums is great but seeing it can help too. especially if you dont get out much (correct me if i'm wrong). Watching others and/or knowing others who are going through the same thing us gives me courage.

Sorry if my post seems like it goes all over the place. I'm writing it on the go as I read the replies on this topic.
I really want to drive home the point that you are not alone. I'm sure anyone on this forum would be willing to talk to you day or night whenever you need advice.
On a side note, I know you live in the USA and I in Canada but I want to share with you a website for trans and LGBT people in my province. You can see just how many of us there are, even in low population areas.
http://transbc.ca/regions/

I hope any of this helps anyone reading this with courage. I still need it too! That's why I chose the name Valerie, it means strong, brave (valiant).

Great advice Valerie. I recently had my first outings in full girl mode. I must say I didn't take any major precautions, apart making sure I looked as good as I could. I think I just jumped into the deepened and it paid off. And to be honest no one blinked an eyelid at me. This included a stay in a city hotel and going out to a bar. Totally broke the ice for me. But I think for me that's what works best, no matter how nervous I am, I do best under pressure. And there was a little pressure to perform in this instance lol

Most of my problems are income related lol. My family is really on the smite side of religion. I want freedom mainly but it's something I'm currently lacking and there isn't anyone in my family I can talk to. Lol it's like they locked the door to the burning building. (With me being inside).

So what do you do in a situation such as being locked inside a burning building? Break a window and escape. It must be hard though not having the freedom of your own finances. Mine aren't great, but at least there my 'not so great finances' lol

[JoanneB]

Most of my problems are income related lol. My family is really on the smite side of religion. I want freedom mainly but it's something I'm currently lacking and there isn't anyone in my family I can talk to. Lol it's like they locked the door to the burning building. (With me being inside).

I came out to myself while totally isolated, cultured shocked (formerly 5 miles from NYC)  and alone in rural West Virginia. It took some time but I found someone to talk to. Actually an entire living room packed full of people with stories almost identical to my own. They not only saved my life but were instrumental in helping me turn it around for the better. Two angels in particular met this basket case there at the time I needed them.

My "Local" TG support group was 90 miles away. A lot better then the 3+ hours to DC, Pittsburgh, or Baltimore, the nearest real cities

[Eva Marie]

The first time out I was like the others that responded here - I was petrified with fear. I did it in a big way, going far away from where I was staying into downtown San Diego to the gayberhood (the Hillcrest area) to go to a very popular bar with some trans friends. Getting down there was nerve wracking in and of itself, but once I had parked the car I had to step out of it and expose myself, and I sat there for a good 10 minutes dithering whether to open the car door or to drive back home. Finally I asked myself the question "Do you want to do this or not?" - my answer was yes, so I forced myself out of the car and I walked 3 blocks in my 4" heels to the bar and I would up having a fabulous time. No one paid me any attention whatsoever that night.

Even though I had gone out fully en femme that night the fears eventually crept back in and paralyzed me once again. I had to start all over with baby steps - trips to my therapist in West Hollywood (a very LGBT friendly place) where done en femme, and that helped build confidence. My therapist forced me to go to a mall in Beverly Hills en femme, and that was really the push that helped me over the hump. Once I was at the mall I parked and I noticed that there were lots of people milling around everywhere and that scared me. I sat in the car once again petrified with fear and dithering. The same question that I had asked myself in San Diego came to mind, so I stepped out of the car and walked confidently into the mall, and again no one paid me any attention. I even visited the Sephoria store and bought some eye shadow and no one paid any attention to me.

I would suggest you experiment with going out in circumstances that you find comfortable, and try to stretch yourself a little each time. You can pick up some cheap makeup at the grocery store and watch YouTube videos to learn more about how to apply it (less is more). Expect to throw away a lot of what you buy because you don't yet know your skin tone color and it's likely that the makeup will not look good on you but that's ok. Makeup takes a lot of practice applying it, so practice, practice, practice.

And finally - it is an unfortunate fact that being trans requires some thick skin to be able to deal with the dolts in the world. A way to begin to develop thick skin is to think of some things that people might say to you and work out some responses ahead of time so that you aren't surprised if it happens. A response could include simply walking away which is always a good thing to do if circumstances allow it.

[Skylar105]

@BreezyB Escaping from the burning building would be nice but is difficult when I'm reminded about the problem everywhere and that my family basically destroy me mentally. Yesterday I had a very bad breakdown from my family probably one of the worst ones I've had.

@JoanneB I have been trying to communicate with my transgender group. I don't really get along with the people though. It's probably my fault but I don't connect the only person I've connected with lately is this woman's that's in politics. (She's basically fighting for transgender rights in my state).

@Eva Marie  I could imagine that's scary. Unfortunately my whole family is against me so I can't even dress correctly at home. :3 I have makeup already :3 even fake eyelashes. :0

[Valerie Rose]

...Most of my problems are income related...

For me I know I am going to be in debt, going to school and transitioning (2 very expensive things).
But the way I look at is:
a) If I don't do it I will be forever working minimum wage jobs.
b) If I don't do it I will never be my true self.

If you are going to school now, perhaps you can take a loan and move out to a dorm or something.
Also you are really young still, maybe it's not the best option in the world, but delaying transtion has worked for some of us. I had to do that too.
About 3 years ago I tried to transition but I jumped the gun too fast and ended up almost outing myself to my family before I was ready and I was also not prepared for the results of HRT. I stopped after 3-4 months of HRT and cut my hair and basically fell backwards in transition. However now I know what to expect and I'm taking it slower.

...I know how the feeling of others can hurt, and unfortunately knowing that today is registration for school today I know the lady is going to misgender me on purpose (because she's ignorant.) I could report it to the school services but usually they don't do much. I'm trying to figure out how to prepare myself for it. (Appearance is my weakest spot as I'm sure it is with some others.) when I'm misgendered as such it makes me feel like crap for days...

Does your school have a pride centre or something like that? The one at my school is located in the women collective building (which is also a safe place for transwomen).
Perhaps if you have one, they could help you with issues regarding misgendering and such at school.

[Skylar105]

@ Valerie Rose I can't take a loan unfortunately lol. And my college doesn't have a campus so I'm living at home. I'm never going back I would die before that would happen. I told my school leader about it and she has helped some but hasn't fixed it completely. Also I tried to sell my soul once but I only got offered a nickel! LOL I am joking of course :3 (I'm saying I'm an awful person).

[Jasper93]

This is a topic I'm quite curious on and I don't see covered much. I am personally quite a coward specially when it comes to transitioning. (I still present as male everywhere.) I'm not in accepting area and I'm still legally male due to state laws. How have you gained the courage to be out? I'm curious because my therapist has high standards for me to do stuff that can possibly end up with me being in bad shape.

I've seen a few people just do it bravely and not care of others opinions. I don't see how they do it, I care too much about being accepted in society. I'm also terrified of employment discrimination because of the things I've seen and how my family still treats me. My passing skill is basically non-existent. So I at least want courage, but unfortunately I don't know where to start for courage. Sorry if this is the wrong place.

I definitely feel weak and helpless when it comes to my transition. I am quite young 19 (in a technical college that says I can be myself shocking for it being TN.) I've also grown terrified of people in general due to dysphoria being so severe (I rarely speak to my family even though I live with them.) I abandoned thanksgiving but I shall not be able to do such for the rest of the holidays.

Sorry this seems like a rant but I just wanna know how everyone gets the courage to be free or go full time.
My therapist hasn't helped much with this.

Hi Skylar,
 
First, I want to say that I am really touched by what you enduring right now, yet at the same time, I admire you for having the courage to admit to us the weak feelings that this situation gives rise to.  This indicates that you are strong and courageous enough to leave yourself vulnerable -- if even in the midst of people much like you.  Please realize -- it takes courage to permit vulnerability; you're already demonstrating more strength than what I have.

See, in regards to my situation, I live in a small town that is very orthodox by nature (although I live at my university, which is the polar opposite).  About one month after beginning HRT, I came out to my younger sister about my gender dysphoria and what I'm doing to get rid of it, and she decidedly told our grandma about my predicament.  My grandma (who was also told not to tell anyone of my secret) then told all of my aunts and my mother about my situation.  Next, my cousins learned, my mom's co-workers learned, and in time, many of my high school classmates learned; none of this was done by my own accord.

The catch is that -- to my knowledge -- everyone in my hometown has been accepting of what I've decided to undergo.  In addition, my college is very liberal, so I assume that the population there would also accept me.

But, in spite of all of this, I am still too afraid to present as female.  Occasionally, I'll look in the mirror and permit that weeks of HRT has dramatically feminized my appearance (in comparison to how I used to look), or I'll reflect on how uplifting it is that I have been gendered correctly a few times -- but I still cannot find the courage to present in accordance to the visceral me.  Even better, I can't find the strength to try to present as female,  even in private,  because the thought of actually trying to look feminine enough to pass, and then failing to pass, is scarring to me because I am admittedly very weak.  And so, when in a depressed state (which I fall into very often), I tell myself that I will always present as male until I undergo FFS.

Now, can you see how you're most likely stronger than what you give yourself credit for?  In the same message, you've said that you're not making progress in terms of passing (much more than I could ever do), you've unveiled the weak feelings you're enduring (more than I could do), and you've said that you feel helpless (again, more than I could do).  Skylar, you are so strong, and I want you to realize this.

Now, my humble advice: in spite of what your therapist might wish, do what you are comfortable with and nothing more.  It's my inclination that you are not yet comfortable with your progress, for example, so honestly, I would just wait for that comfort to blossom!  I believe that it will, so don't feel like you have to rush things at the expense of your comfort.  To be comfortable in who you are is essential, as so many transition due to lack of comfort in themselves (myself included)!

As for the trans women who present as female, they aren't necessarily more courageous than you are -- nor are they necessarily more beautiful, more naturally feminine, or more knowledgeable even.  More often than not, they just look in the mirror and have reached a level of comfort in who they've become so that they are ready to face the world head-on.  This time will come for you; I promise.  Do message me if you wish to talk.  I am close to your age, and am in a very similar situation!

In warmth,

Alice

[kelly_aus]

Courage isn't a matter of not being frightened, you know, it's being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway..  - The Doctor. (3)

[Skylar105]

Hi Skylar,
 
First, I want to say that I am really touched by what you enduring right now, yet at the same time, I admire you for having the courage to admit to us the weak feelings that this situation gives rise to.  This indicates that you are strong and courageous enough to leave yourself vulnerable -- if even in the midst of people much like you.  Please realize -- it takes courage to permit vulnerability; you're already demonstrating more strength than what I have.

See, in regards to my situation, I live in a small town that is very orthodox by nature (although I live at my university, which is the polar opposite).  About one month after beginning HRT, I came out to my younger sister about my gender dysphoria and what I'm doing to get rid of it, and she decidedly told our grandma about my predicament.  My grandma (who was also told not to tell anyone of my secret) then told all of my aunts and my mother about my situation.  Next, my cousins learned, my mom's co-workers learned, and in time, many of my high school classmates learned; none of this was done by my own accord.

The catch is that -- to my knowledge -- everyone in my hometown has been accepting of what I've decided to undergo.  In addition, my college is very liberal, so I assume that the population there would also accept me.

But, in spite of all of this, I am still too afraid to present as female.  Occasionally, I'll look in the mirror and permit that weeks of HRT has dramatically feminized my appearance (in comparison to how I used to look), or I'll reflect on how uplifting it is that I have been gendered correctly a few times -- but I still cannot find the courage to present in accordance to the visceral me.  Even better, I can't find the strength to try to present as female,  even in private,  because the thought of actually trying to look feminine enough to pass, and then failing to pass, is scarring to me because I am admittedly very weak.  And so, when in a depressed state (which I fall into very often), I tell myself that I will always present as male until I undergo FFS.

Now, can you see how you're most likely stronger than what you give yourself credit for?  In the same message, you've said that you're not making progress in terms of passing (much more than I could ever do), you've unveiled the weak feelings you're enduring (more than I could do), and you've said that you feel helpless (again, more than I could do).  Skylar, you are so strong, and I want you to realize this.

Now, my humble advice: in spite of what your therapist might wish, do what you are comfortable with and nothing more.  It's my inclination that you are not yet comfortable with your progress, for example, so honestly, I would just wait for that comfort to blossom!  I believe that it will, so don't feel like you have to rush things at the expense of your comfort.  To be comfortable in who you are is essential, as so many transition due to lack of comfort in themselves (myself included)!

As for the trans women who present as female, they aren't necessarily more courageous than you are -- nor are they necessarily more beautiful, more naturally feminine, or more knowledgeable even.  More often than not, they just look in the mirror and have reached a level of comfort in who they've become so that they are ready to face the world head-on.  This time will come for you; I promise.  Do message me if you wish to talk.  I am close to your age, and am in a very similar situation!

In warmth,

Alice

You're very kind, I'm honestly borderline of being done with everything. Considering how much my family hates me in general at this point. I can never really get away from the suffering of it (I know there are some who have suffered much more than me). Considering my birth certificate and license is stuck with male on it (can't change it) so I can't change social security. It makes it difficult to get a job and I am tired of dealing with everything at this point.

One person made a argument that laws will change and I question how many years of suffering until that? I've already dealt with 8 years of such. (Which yet again I know some whom have suffered longer). I don't have the same amount of tolerance as they do. These problems have actually made me cruel towards local people that I'm around because I know what they support. (Which I do know is wrong of me).

I also had another incident that triggered severe disorder outside of my family's usual things. A gay man (I have no problem with gay men in anyway). Decided that he would randomly tell me that I have a nice well um butt. Which didn't offend me until he said "you're gay aren't you?". At that point dysphoria spiked. You may think well you should be flattered that you got the attention. I disagree as the guy sees me as a guy which is highly offensive. It's one of my major weak points that has driven me to a broken state. I'm barely to the point that I can do basic things such as shop (hate being around people because of being transgendered) because I know what they will do.

I'm not generalizing the people but if you knew something bad was coming you would dodge it correct? I know I would which is why I only use self checkout at the store otherwise I don't shop. Anyways enough of my rant. :/

[Jasper93]

You're very kind, I'm honestly borderline of being done with everything. Considering how much my family hates me in general at this point. I can never really get away from the suffering of it (I know there are some who have suffered much more than me). Considering my birth certificate and license is stuck with male on it (can't change it) so I can't change social security. It makes it difficult to get a job and I am tired of dealing with everything at this point.

One person made a argument that laws will change and I question how many years of suffering until that? I've already dealt with 8 years of such. (Which yet again I know some whom have suffered longer). I don't have the same amount of tolerance as they do. These problems have actually made me cruel towards local people that I'm around because I know what they support. (Which I do know is wrong of me).

I also had another incident that triggered severe disorder outside of my family's usual things. A gay man (I have no problem with gay men in anyway). Decided that he would randomly tell me that I have a nice well um butt. Which didn't offend me until he said "you're gay aren't you?". At that point dysphoria spiked. You may think well you should be flattered that you got the attention. I disagree as the guy sees me as a guy which is highly offensive. It's one of my major weak points that has driven me to a broken state. I'm barely to the point that I can do basic things such as shop (hate being around people because of being transgendered) because I know what they will do.

I'm not generalizing the people but if you knew something bad was coming you would dodge it correct? I know I would which is why I only use self checkout at the store otherwise I don't shop. Anyways enough of my rant. :/

Skylar, your "rant", as you called it, is one of many ways of coping with what you're battling right now.  It's completely okay.  I too feel the need to avoid checkout lanes, for example, because of getting called "sir", etc.  The thing is, maybe I shouldn't expect this 100% of the time since I'm early into HRT and also present as male.  Just maintain your dignity and try to warrior whatever comes your way that gives rise to your dysphoria, as the reward is well worth it. 

A little relevant anecdote: At my university, I work part-time in a deli and get "sir"d, "bro"d", and "man'd" innumerable times each day that I work.  This really, really causes my dysphoria to materialize, and trust me, it causes suicidal thoughts.  But the thing is, I also get "mam'd" here and there whenever I'm not in uniform, and this pretty much invalidates all of the pain I've ever received from being gendered as male because it's the present situation that matters most -- not my position beforehand.  When I do get "mam'd", or whenever someone says I look ridiculously youthful for my age, or even when some guy mistakenly holds a door open for me for a while because I appear more female from a distance (funny story lol), it once again nullifies all of the pain I've experienced from withstanding the public's perception of me in the past.  It then motivates me to push even harder in this challenge that is transitioning; eventually, the momentum will be so powerful that I'll be unstoppable -- even in the face of society.

So, just try to develop the mindset that positive situations will begin to transpire for you, and I can't quantify how motivated this will likely make you feel about your transition.  Vis-a-vis being regarded as male on legal documents and whatnot, I lack advice or experience in this area.   I will say, though, that if you're in Tennessee, of course you feel like you're in hell while transitioning.  To undergo a transition in one of the most conservative parts of America makes you so strong.  Just keep your head up.  I guess the good news, in respect to geographic location, is that -- as you may have noticed -- Millennials everywhere are pretty accepting.  Well, not all of them, especially in small towns and such, but at a university or in a city, heck yeah.  The future probably looks better for you than you'd think!

Good luck!

Alice

[Foxglove]

One thing I can say at this point (and I don't know how useful my remarks will be): I personally have a lot of trouble sifting my feelings and figuring out exactly what the problem is.

E.g., there's different kinds of fear.  There's that vague fear of the unknown--which can be crippling, but it's stupid to let it stop you.  Why be held back by fear when you don't even know what you're afraid of.  Then there are fears of specific things--jeering, harassment, etc.  If you have good reason to fear specific things like this, then it makes sense to see if you can figure out how to avoid such threats.

But it isn't just fear I had to deal with--and sometimes I think I was using fear as a convenient cop-out.  After all, transpeople can justifiably be afraid at times, so doesn't it make sense to try and keep yourself in one piece?

No, there were other things I was really dealing with: shame, e.g.  Shame can be really tenacious, and it can take a lot of work to get past it.  Why can't I just be a "normal" person like everybody else?  Well, you can't be, so get over it.  Even these days I feel a bit of shame in certain situations.  You have to shrug it off, let it go.  There's no reason to feel it, so don't feel it.

Also, embarrassment.  My body embarrasses me.  I find it humiliating that it should be as it is.  Just something you have to deal with: discover what can be done and what you want to do about it.

Finally, hopelessness.  Whenever I run into some really nice woman, I get that sinking feeling.  No matter what I do, I'll never really be what I need to be--i.e., like her.  Nothing you can do about that.  You just have to do the best you can and accept that it is your best.  It's a part of life.

In other words, I've never been entirely sure that the fear I feel is really fear rather than something else.  I think it's great that those of you who are so young are taking these issues on.  You don't want to leave it as late as I did.  It'll make you feel you've wasted your whole life.