This will probably be a little rambly... I apologize in advance.
Prior to transitioning I had done some animal related volunteer work, and while doing so I developed a crush on another volunteer. Around that same time I realized transitioning was a viable option for me for the first time in my life. So I didn't pursue her in the slightest, and completely walked away from the organization I had been volunteering for. I never expected to see her again.
Fast forward 8 months. I started a new job at a university vet school in my preferred gender identity. And to my total surprise this girl was the first person I was introduced to. She didn't remember me. I didn't remind her.
At the time I didn't pass (still kinda dont, at work - my uniform is really masculinizing), but I was at the point in my life where I just had to say "I am who I am, and this is how it's going to be." Of course that sort of internal pep talk still didn't stop being from being completely neurotic and totally afraid of being judged by everyone I interacted with on a daily basis. So I kept my head down and kept to myself. Didn't interact with anyone.
But, she was the one person I actually had to have some level of interaction with in the course of my job. I kept things really brief. Most of the time she's really busy at work anyway, but occasionally she would try to start a friendly conversation with me. I always bowed out quickly.
Then after four months or so we ended up walking down the hall together, and she started to talk to me. And I decided right then "screw it" and I said "I meant to do this a year ago. But, would you like to get coffee sometime?" She looked at me puzzled and said "A year ago? You haven't worked here that long." So I told her where I had met her, but I didn't tell her that I had been a guy at the time. She told me she would love to get coffee, and I walked away. Without planning the date. I had expected a rejection so much that it took me a good ten minutes to realize she had agreed to go. So I had to sheepishly track her down and plan the date, which was pretty awkward. We made plans for that weekend.
I kind of avoided her for the rest of the week. Afraid she'd change her mind. But, on the weekend I showed up at the coffee house she had recommended, and she was waiting for me. We chatted, and she revealed that she remembered me, in surprising detail, from before I transitioned. All in all it was a good time. But I was incredibly nervous, and I awkwardly avoided bringing up my transition at all, which being that it's an all encompassing part of my life it's a REALLY hard topic to dance around. After we finished our coffee she invited me to go to a street fair that was happening nearby. I accepted, and she seemed to enjoy having my company. When we parted ways she left the door open for us to spend time together in the future.
Back at work, however, things returned to exactly how they had been before. She mostly didn't talk to me, and I mostly avoided her. I started second guessing the entire encounter, and finally decided that I had put her on the spot by asking, and that she was worried about looking like a jerk, so she had gone out of pity.
Two months went by that way. But, the week before thanksgiving was a really slow week for both of us, so in our boredom we ended up having a really pleasant and casual conversation. And I ended up asking her if she'd be interested in accompanying me to a concert being put on by the university philharmonic orchestra that I had been planning to see. She said yes. And then I tacked dinner onto the evening, and she agreed to that too. And between then and the concert (which was in early december) we were actually really friendly to each other around work whenever we saw each other and weren't really busy.
The night of the concert she met me at the restaurant. We had good conversation, although I was still really awkward, and still completely danced around the topic of my transition. She complemented my dress, which made me melt on the inside, and I'm sure I blushed enough to show through the makeup covering my beard shadow. From there we walked to the performance on campus and she did a little good natured teasing. After the concert she asked me to accompany her to see some giant gingerbread house on campus, and seemed to enjoy walking and talking with me. Then we parted ways for the evening.
The next week at work we went back to not really talking to each other. A really puzzling reversal. I started wondering if maybe I weirded her out. I have no idea what her sexual preference is (I've come to learn neither does she), but, I started dwelling on it that week. Maybe she only likes boys? How do you tell if a girl likes girls? If she is into girls, what does she consider me? I ran that around in my head a LOT, until I finally decided it didn't matter - if she's interested, she'll act interested, end of story. But she wasn't acting interested. So, I had resigned myself to just give up. But that weekend she sent me a friend request on facebook. I sent her a message asking if she'd accompany me to dinner and the ballet the following weekend. She replied that she'd love to. I replied to her with the details. She never read that response (she still hasn't).
So, back at work, I waited a day to see if she'd read the response. Then when she kind of ignored me I finally just said "So, are we still on for saturday?" She had already forgot about it. Not a good sign. But, she reaffirmed that she'd love to go. The place where the ballet was being performed is an hour drive south of here, so I got her address and phone number, and we agreed upon a time that I'd pick her up. And then the rest of the week we mostly ignored each other.
That weekend I picked her up at 5 and I drove us to the restaurant she had picked before the ballet. We made a little small talk about the upcoming holidays, then I decided if this girl is going to be in my life in any shape or form, then my transition needs to be a topic that's open for discussion. I opened with "So am I the first transperson you've met?" She rolled with it. The conversation went really well. And she was very respectful and supportive. The rest of the drive down was actually filled, for the most part, with really lively conversation. She actually let it known to me that she'd been reading through my facebook posts, and had comments on them which she told me in person. During dinner we both drifted into the land of awkward small talk, although she was really interested in getting to know me better - I just kept flubbing up and being real nervous. The ballet was actually pretty good, and gave us good conversational material. But on the drive home awkward small talk drifted into the realm of really forced awkward small talk. She started getting quiet, and I started feeling really awkward about the quiet so to fill the silence I started and interrogative of really dumb questions. Ultimately she laughed, but, I dunno... One of those questions was "So, are you single?" I knew she was. Her response was actually pretty good, although would seem to indicate no romantic interest in me. She just said "Dating is something I've never really pursued. With a boy or a girl. I'll worry about that more when I'm grown up." Mind you, she's 31, but I can still respect that answer. She's a really awesome girl. And I'd really like to be friends with her if nothing else.
The next day I sent her a text message telling her that I had fun, and also answering a question she had asked me about the venue the ballet was held in. She didn't reply.
The next workday I didn't really get a chance to talk to her in person one on one. Although when I interacted with her while my supervisor was standing right next to me she seemed pleasant enough. The next day after that was christmas eve eve. The rest of the week was a university holiday, so she was off work (lucky, my position required me to be there), so on that last day that she was there before the holiday I walked up to her, interrupted what she was doing, and told her that I hope she has a happy holiday. She gave me an incredibly warm and sincere thank you, and started saying something else but it had taken me a lot to work up the nerve to interrupt her (I don't like doing that. Work before pleasure) that I had already started to walk away.
That was the last time we've interacted. So based upon all that, I'm just confused as to where I stand with her. The only thing that seems concrete is she's not interested in romance.
But, I've spent the days since then looking at her bigger picture. I've been thinking of her this whole time as an extroverted person, because that's largely how she acted when I met her at the volunteer gig. But. That's not how she is at work, she's actually incredibly introverted (as I am, although I too have places where I comfortably pop out of my shell). So, with that in mind, I started thinking in terms of how would I behave if the roles were reversed. Probably the same. I also may have responded the same way to the "are you single" question just to buy time - I tend to be quick to jump into relationships when I'm the pursuer, when when I'm the pursued I tend to not trust peoples intentions, and thusly push them away. But, with me, people who are patient and persistently friendly, yet give me space to process, can usually become a close friend once I warm up to them, and once they're a close friend I can process better if I'm interested or not in anything romantic.
So, I'm proceeding at this point under that assumption. I mean, if she really didn't want to spend time with me, all she had to do was not accept my invitations. Clearly there's some level of interest. But, I think my short term plans are when I see her today to ask her how her holidays were, and when I see her tomorrow wish her a happy new year (I wont see her again for the rest of the week - university holiday). And that's it. No pressure.
Then, maybe next week I'll ask her to do some enjoyable afternoon activity. Less like a date. Less social pressure for both of us. And it'll allow me to be less awkward, and hopefully give her the chance to warm up to me.
But, I dunno. The first relationship I attempted post transition was with someone who gave off really mixed signals, and freaked out rather than communicated when I ended up crossing a line. And, everything in my life got really ->-bleeped-<-ty as a result. So, now I'm a little gun shy. That person I could walk away from, this person is someone I have to work with. And I don't wanna make any terrible mistakes with her.
Thoughts? Advice? Pointers? Tips? Similar experiences?
Thanks!
