11th day on HRT feeling confused and a bit depressed

[bamar86]

Hi everyone, so i'm on day 11 of my HRT and the only word i can use to describe the way i feel is confused... i decided i wanted to be trans a long time ago, but only just built up the confidence to go ahead with HRT. and now i just feel like i'm in limbo. i want my muscles to dissapear and to start looking more feminine... But i know it takes time. i have just lost all motivation to leave the house, since i've taken this step. is this normal? do others feel this way?

I've done a video of how i feel as well for anyone who is feeling the same way, cause i thought it could help them. i'm not going to give up, have been putting money away for ffs surgery, but it feels like that is so far off. Unfortunately this type of change doesn't just happen overnight (although i wish it could lol) 

[Mariah]

This is something you really should take up with your therapist and a transgender support group to help build some type of support system around you would be great too. Your right the changes due to take time. What little bulkiness I had was gone long before starting HRT, but my nearly dieing almost 2 and half years earlier is why not that I ever had much. There are certain aspects that I wish would get to exactly where I want them to be now, but I'm content knowing I need to be patient. Remember your body is gradually changing over from running on testosterone to Estrogen and many of the early effects of that are not seen for 3 to 6 months in many cases. I know being patient and waiting can be hard. Being in the midst of all of this can kind of feel like your in limbo because you are in between where you were and where your going. Hang in there. It's a long process and we all have to walk before we can run. Hugs
Mariah

[bamar86]

You're so sweet mariah, thanks for your response.  Im going to see my councelor in a few weeks. I just had to wait until the new year (because we can only claim 10 sessions per year now under medicare). Yea I should look into trans groups. Would be nice to talk to more going through this awkward stage. I just keep worrying about how I'll do the change and go into work. I feel embarrassed just worrying about how they will perceive me. I shouldn't care now because it will be at least a year until I start presenting myself as female. But my mind has a habit of wondering!

[Leah443]

i went through the same feelings after my first couple of weeks. what i did was talk to my counsiler and she told me to make a pros and cons list to see if it is something that i really wanted. this may not work for everyone and maybe it only worked for me because I'm weird lol but it might help if you see that the pros out weigh the cons. again this may not work for every body and as Mariah has said i would talk to a therapist reguardless. hope this helps

[Mariah]

Awww. Thank you for saying. I'm glad I can help anytime I can. Those arbitrary limits are part of what is wrong with the mental health system in this country. I'm sorry your limited like that because you really do need more than 10 visits to help you through all of this especially early on. It saddens me that they have left you high and dry like that. It's cruel and unusual punishment make you wait like that while you are clearly needing more support. Please don't feel embarrassed. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. It's hard not to care because we always do. We have been programed to some extent to think about how we look and are perceived at all times. We shouldn't and don't need to be that way. Secondly that is where the trans group will really come in handy for you. You will feel less alone and see your not the only one who lives in your area that is going through similar if not the same problems your having. One thing that also might help is depending on what colleges and universities are in your area you might be able to see a gender therapist for a much lower cost to help bridge some of that gap. My mind has the same habit of wondering and worrying about things. Hugs and do please stay strong through all of this. Leah's suggestion is really a great idea that should also help you sort through things before seeing the therapist.
Mariah

You're so sweet mariah, thanks for your response.  Im going to see my councelor in a few weeks. I just had to wait until the new year (because we can only claim 10 sessions per year now under medicare). Yea I should look into trans groups. Would be nice to talk to more going through this awkward stage. I just keep worrying about how I'll do the change and go into work. I feel embarrassed just worrying about how they will perceive me. I shouldn't care now because it will be at least a year until I start presenting myself as female. But my mind has a habit of wondering!

[April_TO]

Hi Bamar,

First of all, let me just acknowledge the courage it took you to go through with this journey. I feel your pain and I go through it every single day. However, as what everyone is saying it gets better everyday. It really takes courage to be your authentic self.

I know its better said than done but you need to surround yourself with people that will love and encourage you. Stay positive and acknowledge that we are our worst critic. It is not as bad as you think it is babe.

My new years resolution is self love. Love and nourish yourself more - be kind to you and stay strong.

April

[Lady_Oracle]

Its normal, I went through the same thing in a way. Going through a second puberty is pretty demanding physically and can be emotionally draining so feeling like an awkward teenager is a natural response imo. I became a hermit the first few years of hrt. Its almost like I went into this cocoon phase and then finally this year I emerged like a beautiful butterfly lol 

Patience is key!

[bamar86]

Thank you girls so much for your support.  Its good to know this is at least semi normal. I can't wait to get to the butterfly phase

[April_TO]

You're welcome and stay strong!

Thank you girls so much for your support.  Its good to know this is at least semi normal. I can't wait to get to the butterfly phase

[bamar86]

Sorry my silly phone didn't include all of my message. I just wanted to say that all of your kind words and suggestions have helped me a lot.  And I don't feel so lonely anymore after reading them. This forum has been my only connection to trans life (have been reading it on and off for years). I just have to get out of my head somehow and stop over thinking everything. Thanks again for everyones beautiful messages xxx

[ImagineKate]

You'll feel a lot of things.

HRT, whether it be placebo or real effects will quieten the dysphoria to varying degrees and other stuff will begin to manifest.

In my case I'm on full, steady, officially monitored HRT for a month now. The dysphoria is pretty much gone now, but I feel guilt about what my transition is doing to others. Especially when I'm confronted by my wife about it, even if her accusations are unreasonable and unfounded (in my opinion).

I guess that's what happens when you take dysphoria away.

Well, I shouldn't say that it is totally gone. Last night's new years eve on TV was unwatchable for me. Everyone was out and about being themselves and I'm still not full time... to fix that, 2015 will be the year that I go full time. I was planning to do it in the summer but I may bump it up a bit. Beard shadow and voice are the major things holding me back now and once I get those managed I'll have confidence to move forward.

So hang in there, it will happen for you as well.

[Megumi]

Support groups are a great thing if they are nearby or close enough for you to attend occasionally. Developing friendships with people you can see from time to time will help you grow as a person, even more so if they have already fully transitioned. Especially when it comes to going out in public, it's always safer to go out with another person because most people will not give you crap if you are in a group. The biggest growths that I have made was through others reaching out to me to go places or be included in activities to do things that I could not have done on my own because of fear & hesitation.

I don't know what your doctor has you on but that can play a big part in the mental side of things. If they are just giving you estrogen without an anti androgen then you still have lots of testosterone in your system that's clashing with the estrogen. I was put on E & an AA right from the start and getting testosterone out of my system fixed lots of my mental issues with depression, anxiety and greatly lessened my body dysphoria which that part could have just been a placebo effect of knowing that I'm finally starting my transition. 

Were all different when it comes to HRT, so give things time to happen. Just like you said, listen to yourself because you are the one in charge in your transition.

[Alysinspace]

yes all of what your feeling is normal for sure
just now im sorta starting to get the confidence to go out
as for finding friends and such its really really hard i cant find any support groups or friends anywhere