How many marriages survive a person's transition?

[katiej]

This is good news!  The standard narrative is wrong.  And the whole "typical transgender", trannier-than thou, doom and gloom nonsense needs to stop. 

Allow me to qualify and defend my statement.  I did not mean to point this statement at anyone here, I certainly wasn't meaning to word it so strongly towards anyone in this conversation.

I spent the better part of a decade in complete denial about being transgender because I didn't fit the typical narrative.  I figured I must not really be trans because I wasn't suicidal or severely depressed and I grew up in a stable home.  And then they scared me to death with the expectation that it's virtually guaranteed that everyone I ever knew or loved would spit at me and throw rocks. 

It wasn't until I came across some positive transgender influences online that made me realize the doom and gloom scenario was possible, but far from certain.  And with a clearer picture I was able to come to the point of being able to accept myself.  This is why I say the "trannier than thou" attitude is not helpful.

[Rya]

Katie, you asked if my wife knows yet. Yes, she does. I first talked to her about it a-year-and-a-half ago. We've been working through it together. Our first approach, at her request, was to have me try some things to overcome it. That sounds worse than it was. I'm not sure that I have a textbook case of gender dysphoria at all. It's actually the internal confusion I have about what's going on that got me to buy in on the whole "let's try harder" plan to begin with. But now 18 months later, we've had no movement, and I'm very frustrated with myself that I've let things go so long.

A couple nights ago she asked what I was reading on my iPad, and I showed her this thread. She broke down crying because reading what you all wrote suddenly made it very real for her.

She said, "What's the point of asking them if marriages survive? I've already told you that I can't live with you if you become a girl."

We had a pretty big fight. I don't know. We're both just so hurt. We love each other so much. But she can't be with a woman, and I can't not be one. Maybe. I don't know. I can't explore it at all, because she views any and all experimenting as me crossing the line.

The whole thing left me feeling really crappy. I felt like she was casting me as the villain in her story, and I have a very hard time with that. Thoughts is suicide crossed my mind. So I told her (or maybe she told me) to make an emergency appointment with my therapist, and I was able to get in over my lunch hour.

"Ryan," said my therapist, "you can't do what you can't do. You're looking for the perfect solution, but there just isn't one. You have to face up to that."

So yesterday my wife and I agreed to get temporarily separated so that I can sort this out. We both cried a lot yesterday.

She said, "I'm just thinking about the day you came to see me to ask to court me, and you didn't tell me why you were coming, and when you got there you gave me a dozen roses." And we both started weeping. I think we're both in mourning. She said to me, "You can't be who I need you to be, and I can't be who you need me to be."

So while you all are bickering about statistics -- it's fine, really; it's all so new for me and I enjoy reading what you all have to say -- but I'm in the middle of living out a statistic, and it's tearing me apart. I at least have the hope that I'll finally get to explore my gender identity and try to be myself. But she gets... what? Nothing. She is losing a husband. And I'm causing her loss.

"You're not causing it, Ryan. The situation is," said my therapist yesterday. "You can't control this." No, I guess not. But that doesn't make it any easier.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Jenna Marie]

Ryan : Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. It sounds as if neither you nor your wife can see any hope here, and that's just heartbreaking. It *isn't* your fault, and your therapist is very wise, but I'm sure that's no consolation.

[Rya]

Thanks Jenna. Your words mean a lot.

[katiej]

Ryan, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time. And you're right, you are a person...not a statistic.  We only brought it up as a way to show that some marriages do indeed survive transition.  And although it now seems clear yours may not, I would encourage you to remain cautiously hopeful.  But the fact that she's spent the last 18 months expecting you to "overcome it" means it isn't likely she's flexible enough to warm up to the idea.

I would also caution you on delaying or stopping transition to keep someone else happy. I've never heard of dysphoria getting better with time. And so you'd spend years unhappy with yourself and building a resentment towards the people you were trying to keep around.  Even without transition that still sounds like a recipe for failed, or at least difficult, relationships.

Do you have other supportive people in your life who can help you get through this?

I really wish you the best. And please do keep us updated.

[Cindi Lane]

... Are there any positive stories where the marriage survived that someone can tell me about?

Hi Ryan,
Yes, there are many couples whose marriage have survived and more than that, have thrived!

My wife and I have been married for over 24 years. During the last few years I completed the self discovery needed to understand and accept that my path leads to transitioning to live full time as the woman I am.  This was not what I or my wife expected when we married. Together we are working through the issues and feelings that are part of our journey. My spouse is part of this journey and we expect to grow old(er) together.

My wife and I have met more than ten couples that stayed married through one of the partners going through a gender role transition and we regularly keep in contact with about half of the couples.  Their stories are all different in how they met, handled discovery and worked through to a positive result.

The common theme I noticed was a shared desire to stay together and that they each love the other person for who they are inside.
Many of the couples had a bit of a rough go while the working through the transition (both spouses had to work through their own changes).

The most joyfully thriving couples discovered that the partner who completed their transition is able to finally express their true self and the qualities their spouse were originally attracted to now shine even brighter.

The stories of loss are heart breaking, the stories of success are breath-taking.
There is always hope.  I wish for you to find joy in living true to yourself.

For me some days are dark and scary, other days are bright and joyful. When I am in doubt and can't see any path working, I head down the path that my heart tells me too with belief that I will achieve a positive result that is what I need.
(It may sound new age/metaphysical, but it is what keeps me going forward with hope. Sometimes what I really needed is not what I was thought I needed    )

Hugs
- Cindi

[ashley_thomas]

I'm so sorry.