...and they're through with me.
It's long, sorry for length (trigger warning).
I don't think I'm unreasonable for expecting the people around me to be respectful of my identity; and with that comes respecting that I have a new name and now go by female pronouns. That is just basic manners; it's not a favour, it isn't special treatment, it's just consideration and respect.
I think it is very important for us that others reinforce that we are women. The alternative is to effectively have our identity undermined constantly, and that's not healthy. There is a good reason it hurts for us to be misgendered, it completely dismisses who we are and can be very damaging psychologically.
So when my father refers to me by my old name in the middle of a packed KFC do I not have a right to be upset? I admit I was angry and withdrawn at that, because that really hurts. I kept my mouth shut though. I don't want arguments, just understanding.
So all I really wanted was some kind of acknowledgement, aka a 'sorry for referring to you with a male name in a packed restaurant, just used to using your old name' or something like that. A mistake is a mistake (it wasn't intentional) but it was in public and I do expect some kind of acknowledgement that a mistake was made. I don't see why that is so unreasonable.
I got nothing though and after he does it again later, and I do say something along the lines of a frustrated 'there you go again' I get a 'and I'll keep doing it too mate' thrown at me. That was intentional; in Australia the word 'mate' is most often used to refer to males, his context was unmistakeable.
So that made me more upset and when I am upset I tend to withdraw socially. I later go and tell my mother what upset me, namely the KFC thing, and after all manner of 'so what', and 'big deal' she then launched into me with the most vicious trans hate tirade you will ever hear. Absolute compete verbal abuse with genitalia references, you're not a women and never will be, your old name is your real name (although I changed it a year ago) etc.
I've never heard anything like it. I always feared getting verbally ripped apart in the street like that by someone; viciously demeaned and belittled, but it's never happened. It came from my own mother instead.
I tried to explain things to my father. Much calmer, sat there calmly opposed to my evil ungratefullness with his angry eyes of anger while my mother continued to constantly interrupt and rip me apart some more. Imagine the very things you don't want to hear and precisely how you don't want to be treated as a transwoman and that is basically what I got.
Eventually I walked away. Retreated to my room. I was very upset. When you have depression, when you have suicidal thoughts often enough (which they know all about already); it's absolutely what you don't need. I have my flight back home on Saturday and I'm perfectly happy to say that I'll never see or speak to either of them again after that. I can't.
One if the things driving all this (besides the transphobic ignorance) is the financial support they've given me, and it's been quite considerate. I've been unemployed for a while and they've supported me with bills, car registration, surgery and more. So my opposition in this instance is perceived as a total lack of gratitude. How dare I question them? That's ungrateful.
Of course I was grateful for all that, goodness knows I thanked them enough. Goodness knows I felt guilty enough about it. I've always made myself available to help them with anything they've needed. Short of building a shrine in their honour I couldn't really do much else.
Here is what I think, they're manipulative. This is a long term pattern that has finally hit critical mass. On the one hand they'll give me money and on the other hand they'll tear me down emotionally and psychologically if I dare question anything they do, even if it has a harmful impact on me mentally. Doesn't matter. Expect them to respect my legal name and female pronouns and they don't want to and I push the issue? I'm ungrateful.
Their financial support just leads to emotional blackmail down the line and I've put a stop to it. My mother had bought me a tablet as a gift when I came up here. I gave it back and told her to get a refund; I never asked for it. No money for car registration either, I told her I didn't want it. I'd rather walk.
My identity is fundamental to who I am. If I'm going to transition to female and sit back and do nothing as those who are supposed to be a pillar of support intentionally gender me male then I might as well not have bothered. If that makes me ungrateful then I guess I'll have to accept that.
