Holy cow, I have a date with a man

[Rachel]

Sorry the date got called off.

His son may well have had car problems.

If he calls or texts back you will know. If not good riddance

[TamarasWay]

Did he know beforehand that you were trans?  Maybe that had something to do with it.  Not all guys are into t-girls.

[Sammie Blade]

Whatever you do, do not call or text him first!

Let him show that he is interested enough in you to initiate contact and apologize again for making you go out to meet him only to have you follow him through back roads and then ultimately bail on you.  If he sends you a text, do yourself a favor... don't respond unless it completely satisfies you!  He's going to be persistent if he wants to meet you and needs to know that you ain't got time for anymore BS.  Guys hate being ignored. 

Sorry, girl, but things will look up for you.  I'm terrified of my first date with a man.  I'm still a little in shock to realize that I like guys after spending 29 years of my life as a "straight male" myself.

Hormones do some crazy amazing things!

[suzifrommd]

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. This whole thing has got me furious and discouraged. I'd love to know how online dating veterans handle things so this doesn't happen. It's SO not worth it to get all dressed and made up for dates so guys can spend 15 seconds checking me out and decide that I'm not worth actually going on the date.

Whatever you do, do not call or text him first!

Oh don't worry Sammie, no danger of that! If he contacts me again, his story BETTER BE GOOD, because in my current state of mind I can't rule out wishing him bodily harm if I'm ever in his company again.

Did he know beforehand that you were trans? 

Yes. It's in my dating profile.

[jeni]

Wow, how frustrating! I'm sorry that you had to go through that disappointment.

It's hard to tell from your story, but is it possible he really was taking a back way to another place? Other than that part, his explanation sounds plausible from where I'm sitting, so maybe it really was just a series of unfortunate events.

But you know best here, and even if it was a true story, if you're feeling burned I don't think anyone would fault you for not wanting to go through that again! Anyway, so sorry for the rough evening.

[Irva]

I dated lots of straight guys as "GG", but it lead to nothing. They all turned out to be just stupid f_kers.
What it was disappointment. No idea who to date now and how?.. Tho I want a normal family.

[suzifrommd]

I am so sorry you had such a negative experience.

I appreciate your honesty in identifying yourself as trans in the dating profile you referenced.

I was wondering though...When I was much younger the consensus at the time was...yeah, you gotta disclose your tg/ts status (regardless of whether one is post-op or not) if it looks like the relationship could possibly become serious...but, for casual dating it was not considered imperative that one wear one's trans status on one's sleeve (especially so if post-op). 

Well, if it turned into anything, he'd have to know, since once my wig peels off, it's obvious I have a male hair pattern, and if he ever met anyone else in my life, well I transitioned in place, so everyone knows. My therapist says that in her more than 20 years of counseling trans woman, she's never seen a relationship between a trans woman and a straight guy survive the guy finding out that she's trans. The only ones she's seen last are those where the guy knew from the start. So her advice was to let people know pretty much up front.

It's hard to tell from your story, but is it possible he really was taking a back way to another place? Other than that part, his explanation sounds plausible from where I'm sitting, so maybe it really was just a series of unfortunate events.

That's what I thought at the time. It's only on the ride back that my less naive self realized that he might just have decided I wasn't worth it. I was  raised in kind of a sheltered, privileged environment so I'm really slow to realize when people are covering for less than honorable motives.

As far as I'm concerned, the big indicator will be if he tries to contact me again. So far nothing, so the "innocent" explanation is not looking good.

[JulieBlair]

Ah shoot - I love you sweetie.

Julie

[PPatrice]

Well, if it turned into anything, he'd have to know, since once my wig peels off, it's obvious I have a male hair pattern, and if he ever met anyone else in my life, well I transitioned in place, so everyone knows. My therapist says that in her more than 20 years of counseling trans woman, she's never seen a relationship between a trans woman and a straight guy survive the guy finding out that she's trans. The only ones she's seen last are those where the guy knew from the start. So her advice was to let people know pretty much up front.

I see.  Certainly I understand the rationale, especially since the end game is a relationship (i.e., as opposed to casual dating).  Perhaps your therapist's recommendation might also be relatively safer, as well.

[Julia-Madrid]

How do straight women put up with this $#!+?

Urgh, sorry about this Suzi.  Straight women and gay guys get the same treatment...  From my experience on "that side", it kind of helps to grow a thick skin and take the lame excuses without reading much into them.

Plenty of fish, and quite a few frogs, but you're very much on the right path girl...!!!

[mac1]

Suzi,

Since he changed the plan and was taking you on all of those back roads I would question his intentions. Sounds to me like he might have been considering r@p@ing you and possibly doing other harm and leaving you. Be Careful!

[ImagineKate]

Well, Suzi, I am so sorry that it did not work out. But there are plenty of people out there.

Dating is something I don't know if I could do again. I had a pretty terrible dating life to begin with anyway. I made more friends than anything...

[TamarasWay]

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. This whole thing has got me furious and discouraged. I'd love to know how online dating veterans handle things so this doesn't happen. It's SO not worth it to get all dressed and made up for dates so guys can spend 15 seconds checking me out and decide that I'm not worth actually going on the date.
Oh don't worry Sammie, no danger of that! If he contacts me again, his story BETTER BE GOOD, because in my current state of mind I can't rule out wishing him bodily harm if I'm ever in his company again.
Yes. It's in my dating profile.

FWIW  Everybody has "issues" when dating.  All that the online profile does is provide the most basic knowledge, but there is no guarantee that what is on the profile has anything to do with what's real.

Another thing which might help is to look at from the other's POV.  What if the guy you were supposed to date turned out to be a real creep?   How would you tactfully get out of that?  Would you try to make up some plausible story to save him the embarrassment of an outright rejection.  My guess is the guy was just looking for an easy way out.  Yes he was an inconsiderate jerk.   Next...

Dating is tough.  There is a lot of rejection and disappointment involved.  Don't take it personal

[Adam (birkin)]

That's a shame. FWIW I think he was legit...why go through the effort to change the time, then show up, give a reason why he couldn't stay if he wasn't somewhat interested? If he was going to simply flake out he'd say "oh sorry can't make it at 4, I'll call you another day." As someone else said if he contacts you again, then you know he is interested in following up. But even then he could just be worried that you might not be interested after he had to cancel last minute.

I guess what I'm getting at is try not to assume the worst here.

[Allyda]

Well that's a major bummer. Sorry to hear that, hon. How did you meet him?

Dunno, but they do quite frequently.

Looking great in your new avatar there Ms. Grace!

Ally

[suzifrommd]

I got a PM asking me whether the guy ever contacted me again (sorry for not responding, but the system said your messaging is blocked. Don't know what that means).

I never did hear from him.

I'm having trouble getting used to the reality that as a woman the sum total of my suitability as a romantic partner seems to boil down completely to my looks. Intelligence, personality, sense of humor, empathy, and a capacity for love don't seem to count for much.

[stephaniec]

I got a PM asking me whether the guy ever contacted me again (sorry for not responding, but the system said your messaging is blocked. Don't know what that means).

I never did hear from him.

I'm having trouble getting used to the reality that as a woman the sum total of my suitability as a romantic partner seems to boil down completely to my looks. Intelligence, personality, sense of humor, empathy, and a capacity for love don't seem to count for much.

sad to say that pretty much sums it up. The best way I think is still a social network other then the computer

[TamarasWay]

I'm having trouble getting used to the reality that as a woman the sum total of my suitability as a romantic partner seems to boil down completely to my looks. Intelligence, personality, sense of humor, empathy, and a capacity for love don't seem to count for much.

I think that "looks", are as they say, only skin deep.  If you look around you'll notice that the majority of women, especially women beyond a certain age, are not exactly "lookers", or drop dead gorgeous.  And yet some, not all, still manage to merit some degree of male interest.  Unfortunately for most, attraction is primarily driven by sex.  This of course changes over time but it still seems to be the prime directive.

[Asche]

I'm having trouble getting used to the reality that as a woman the sum total of my suitability as a romantic partner seems to boil down completely to my looks. Intelligence, personality, sense of humor, empathy, and a capacity for love don't seem to count for much.

I've heard a lot of (cis-)women complain about the same thing.

There seems to be a whole male culture of thinking about women solely in terms of how closely their appearance meets some arbitrary standard of "looks," and heaping contempt upon any man who "settles" for less than a "ten."  I've even run into guys like that.  I gather on-line dating is full of men like that.  It's an effective way of making sure (generic) you never have to actually have a relationship with a woman, because the few women who meet your lofty (ugh!) "standards" don't need to "settle" for a shallow jerk like _you_ (still the generic "you," BTW)

I don't think _all_ men are that way.  But it wouldn't surprise me if it turned out that looks-obsessed men are overrepresented in the dating meat-market.  As they say, before you find your prince, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs.

I don't know if it's appropriate to say this (but then, when have I ever been good at being "appropriate"?), but from your writing here I picture you as beautiful, someone who it would be delightful to spend an afternoon or evening with.  Any man (or woman) who can't see that, or worse, doesn't value that, is somebody you're well rid of, IMHO.

[ImagineKate]

I got a PM asking me whether the guy ever contacted me again (sorry for not responding, but the system said your messaging is blocked. Don't know what that means).

I never did hear from him.

I'm having trouble getting used to the reality that as a woman the sum total of my suitability as a romantic partner seems to boil down completely to my looks. Intelligence, personality, sense of humor, empathy, and a capacity for love don't seem to count for much.

This is especially true for "meat market" dating sites.

It's also true for men. If you are a man and not at least 6' tall, be prepared for an empty inbox and lots of rejection.

Once (before I got married) I tried eharmony. I got a few interested people. But one of them was in Alaska and another in Tennessee. I wasn't moving to Alaska and I don't do long distance anymore. I went to see the one in Tennessee. She wasn't too bad looking but had a ton of issues I just couldn't deal with. I met my current wife at work so I killed the eharmony account.

Eventually I found that meeting people outside of dating websites went a lot better. Not bars and clubs but professional settings and even online forums. I met one girl on a car forum. She was pretty fun to be with. And she wasn't a weak and vulnerable person. She dominated me, treated me like the lady (eg she would drive us to our dates) and I liked that. I couldn't really follow through with her though.