am I transexual or have I been lying to my self or just need to slow down.

[Elanore joey]

I came out transexual 18 months ago.
I should be starting hormones on the 9th of January.
Iv just come off anti depressants after 13 months of being on them.

Now to my problem I can't remember the last time I smiled, and then I think of how everyone expects to be for example I can't go out with out wearing make up If I do then I get called sir instead of miss, i can't use female toilets or changing rooms.

Next thing is I changed my name in August inline with my 21st birthday, now my mum, nan and all of my friends call me Elanore but my sister, dad, uncles and aunts still call me Matt omg I want to get violent with them. I hand probably 3xmas cards with Elanore in them and the same with Xmas presents and the final straw with Xmas I got some men's body wash and deodorant.

Next problem is I feel I'm going to upset everyone if I start making u turns in my journey. Family will start asking me questions and I'm not one for questions from my family as I find it hard to talk to them.

[Elis]

I don't have practical experience so feel free to ignore me. I know how important mental health is as I also suffer from depression bcos of my GD. So I think if you want to pick up the prescription for the hormones but wait a bit until you feel ready to take them is perfectly fine and you should try to ignore what your family thinks or just not tell them if you think they'll be really hostile about it. Bcos after all your mental health should come first, you have to live with yourself. Btw, Eleanor is a really nice name, I've only come across a person with that name once.

[treeLB]

Your post is a bit confusing. You have already changed you name but have not started hrt? and you came out as transsexual 18 months ago. That is a big gap of time between coming out and hrt.
I think you should be very, very sure of yourself and tread  much more carefully going forward.


Instead of thinking of it in terms of whether or not you are a transsexual, ask yourself why you feel you need to transition?  Will having a more feminine body and living all of your life as a woman improve the quality of your life? If so why? What would it do for you?

Being transsexual or not does not mean anything. It really doesn't. What does matter is whether or not you are a woman.

[Elanore joey]

Firstly I think I need to explain that it is not the GIC putting me on hormones it is different hospital as Iv recently been diagnose with klinefelters syndrome (extra female sex chromosome) i was referred to charing X 18 months ago and I still havnt received an appointment but my doctor has been chasing them up and they now will not see me until my klinefelters is under control. My endocrinologist has said he will not make me take male hormones to control the klinefelters as I am transsexual so he is going to level out my hormones using female hormones to bring my levels inline with a biological woman as at the moment my hormones are similar to that of a woman that is ovulating so you can guess how I feel I'm like angry and emotional and horny all together most of the time.

I changed my name because Iv been waiting so long for charing cross I thought I would do as much as I can without them to show my doctors that this is me I'm still sure this me but there's just a little niggle as there are some things I wanted to sort out before going on to hormones for example if I'm not already infertile from the klinefelters I would like to freeze some sperm.

[RosieD]

Hiya Elanore,

it sounds like you are right in the middle of a rough patch so, first things first, HUGS.

I am not sure why you feel that you should be happy. It sounds like some members of your family are having some trouble accepting what it means to be transsexual. I always find it a bit rough when that happens and I have been on HRT for nearly 18 months and full-time for nearly 2 years. So far it hasn't made the feeling of wretchedness completely disappear when a family member slips up but it has lessened over time.

The point I am trying to make being that accepting yourself and moving forwards with transitioning is a different thing from being immune from hurt. The important bit is accepting yourself. I am finding that there are some members of my family who are never going to get it right. For my own well-being I am going to have to cut contact with them. I hope that you don't find it necessary to take similar action but I do feel that you have the right to be happy and if that means no longer having contact with someone then no longer having contact is the right thing to do.

Rosie

[Elanore joey]

Iv always wanted to be female but I don't think of myself as female at the moment I love my boobs which Iv had from about age 9 or 10 and I hate my lower genitals so much when I was a child I tried to cut my penis off for me this is why I need to transition at the moment I feel as if I'm in between sexes. It might sound hollow but Iv alway wanted to be pretty and sexy and also I dream of the day I can have sex as I can't get erections (because of the extra female chromosome) but I could never have sex as a guy as it grosses me out as I feel I shouldn't have a penis. And I find the thought of it disgusting.

[Elanore joey]

Thanks Rosie I love that name a friend of mine has a little girl call that and she is so cute. Firstly my family has accepted me but a lot of it is some of the family I don't see very often probably 3-4 time a year and even then I Don't really talk to them and they just forget who I am. The rest I think they just forget about my name change, I give my one of my aunties a bit of lee way as she has learning difficulties and sometimes she calls me Elanore sometimes it's Matt

[Ms Grace]

You heave breasts but people in public are still calling you sir?

Only you can decide if you are trans. Once you start HRT you may find that things become a bit clearer for you, it might be exactly what you want or not. Sounds like things have been really rough for you so it's no wonder you have been depressed but I hope things pick up for you really soon. Hugs.

[Elanore joey]

Thank ms grace I'm now a 38c before hrt so I must be one of the lucky one but remember I have always had a female level of female hormones.
But where I live if you have an iq above 1 you are genius must people round here have the brain capacity of a single cell organism.

[Seras]

Hey Elanore, don't stress out. Congratulations on coming off the anti depressants after being on them for a year, that is a big deal. Also try and stay positive, having an endocrinologist that is prepared to work with you to level out your hormones to a female level with HRT is really great! Trust me when I tell you that you are lucky, CHX is a rubbish place to be. I was there for quite some time and they did absolutely nothing for me.

Anyway you don't have to wear makeup all the time forever. You are still quite young aren't you? I guess you legally changed your name recently. Plus with your Klinefelters hormones abnormalities you shouldn't have a particularly masculinised face am I right? With a while on HRT you will be sorted out nicely. I know I was and I am currently 26!

I don't know how much you have changed in day to day life vis a vis full time and all that. If you have gone quite a lot in that direction though and people are not using your name that does kinda suck. Personally it is not a big deal for me since I am only part time and until I am full time I am not going to be offended.

Anyway why are you thinking of making U turns? Either way if that is something you want to do then you should, so long as it is not just because you are scared or some non-reason such as that. So make sure you consider carefully. You can go with this as fast or as slow as you like. I am a year on HRT now and I only just came out to my family fully! Because I want to go part time! Like I am going slowly and it is fine. If you are sure this is what you want then HRT is not that big of a step. It happens slowly it is not particularly rapid and even if you react extremely well and it is then hey, worse things have happened

Message me if you ever want to talk.


PS I smile every day now and in time you can too!

[Elanore joey]

Thank you so much ladies I love how supportive you are. The main problem is I wanted to freeze my sperm but with the endo dr wanting to start me on hormones like next week I don't think il get the chance to do it which upsets me as I wanted to be a mum in the future and do all the mummy things Iv even heard how some trans ladies can even breast feed. I mean how womanly is that it's great right. I sure most of you are like me anything womanly make you feel great. I knows future partner and can have donated sperm but I just think of that as being her baby with a random guys DNA.

I just don't like how when I don't wear make up I get called sir. Iv never been sir and if you talk to my friend maria even before I came she always thought I was female she say there isn't one cell in me that's male. Why do people assume so much, or have they got X-ray vision so they can see my underdeveloped penis.

They don't call Gertrude the shotputter from Germany with the beard and the undefinable boobs and belly sir, so why me.

Ps I went full time nearly straight the way probably 3 months after coming out.

[Zoetrope]

I think you'll do fine Elanore ... this sounds like something a long time coming for you.

I've had my share of 'what the hell am I doing' moments, and its scary and unsettling.

Every time I come out on top though, I know it will be easier next time ... and these feelings get less and less frequent.

All the best x

[JoanneB]

I am not sure how it works with Klienfelter's but before investing in freezing sperm, I'd sure do sperm count and mobility testing first. Anti-Androgens and estrogen will take a few months at a minimum to reduce sperm counts. But if you are put on Cypratone (sp), it is a kick ass AA. Hit me like a ton of bricks within 2 weeks. (Though not officially diagnosed if you look up Klienfelters on wikipedia the example picture could have been me at that age. My wife's instant opinion after seeing me for the first time naked was that I had Klienfelter's. Yes she did already know about the GD but kept mum about it untill after I dropped the T-Bomb on her)

Overall my un-official lay persons opinion is Yes, you are a TS. Your body image dysphoria coupled with the GD just has to be depressing. Living in the land of the lost brain cells amplifies things. Being unsure at times is normal, and in my opinion is a great thing. People who are zealots scare me. There cannot be any critical thinking taking place at all. After six years of taking on this trans beast for real, on HRT, living part time as a female and believe in my heart and can get letters to prove it if I needed to I am a transsexual. I am also damn lucky that so far I do not NEED to transition. I sure would like to in a perfect world. But right now is not a good time.

[Elanore joey]

Hi my GP doesn't think I will be put on anti androgens as I have even less testosterone than a biological woman. In other words my T level is about 0
I will have a sperm count done but fortunately scoring to the nhs website transgender people have the same rights to gamete preservation as a cancer patient.