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Going to cut ties with parents

Started by Cute Ida, December 30, 2014, 09:28:51 AM

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Cute Ida

Hello,

It looks like I'm going to have to cut ties with my parents. I don't see any other way to resolve our problems. They don't want a trans-daughter, they want me to de-transition back to male. They refuse to call me Ida or refer to me as she. My mother was in the hospital recently and I was texting her. I missed a couple days cause I work overnights and was extremely tired. She was resting a lot so I didn't want to interrupt her. She sends me a text last night that she wants me to come over to do the presents we missed cause she was in the hospital. I already had plans to meet with a friend who's been in south korea teaching english to kids for 2 and 1/2 years. She came home to see her family and to do coffee with me. My mother made me reschedule the coffee plan.

I texted my friend but she had to contact another person to change their time too. I didn't hear back from my friend yet. I get a text an hour ago that my mom doesn't understand why I couldn't spend 5 seconds to text her. I'm not a mind reader, if she wanted me to text her everyday asking how she was why didn't she just say that instead of expecting it. Also because I sent a text to my sister just before I sent one to my mom that she doesn't know why I don't show concern for her. According to her by not texting her everyday from 26-28th I was not concerned about her and that if I try to say I was concerned she'll say that I wasn't. Look, I've got a lot I'm dealing with. Including wether I stay or go in my current relationship on top of continuing my transition, my parents, work and everything else.

My therapist was booked a month and a half in advance and I won't see them until the 6th. My mother and father will never understand me being transgender. Ever. They haven't even tried. They say I have to see things from their perspective. How about they see through mine? They haven't even tried to do that. I'll go do the presents if my mom still wants me to come over but after that I'm going to have to cut ties with my parents. If I do that then I will be required to cut ties with my strongest supporter which has been my sister, as well as her daughter and my brother as well. My parents won't hear of it if my siblings contact me if I cut ties with my parents.

My mom says that we probably need a break from each other. I don't think a break is going to have much impact. Cutting ties with them would at least in my judgement be the thing to do. I have always disappointed my parents. No matter what I did or didn't do. Always a disappointment to them as well as being transgender. No more! How should I go about cutting the ties? Just stop talking to them? Tell them if they can't respect me then I have to cut ties with them. I had break from them before but I don't think a break is going to be enough. I need some advice on how to go about this.
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mrs izzy

I think going to extremes is very detrimental to both parties.

I think you just need to step back and get your life in focus.

Give your communication with your parents a break.

Place communication restrictions on how they respect you when the time comes.

I wish you safe passage on your path.

Your profile picture shows a lovely lady that can pass in the world with out issues.




Mrs. Izzy
Trans lifeline US 877-565-8860 CAD 877-330-6366 http://www.translifeline.org/
"Those who matter will never judge, this is my given path to walk in life and you have no right to judge"

I used to be grounded but now I can fly.
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JoanneB

I am not of the texting generation, but I am getting used to it. I can see your mom's perspective. It is not like the phone ringing, waking her up, and needing to actually talk to somebody. At your leisure, on your own time schedule you see a note. Just like emailing only a little different. Though the application of texting these days it seems proper etiquette requires an instant response

As to they don't understand about being trans... Well after 50+ years of being trans I barely have a handle on, know I can barely express what it is like and can never expect anyone not having as really capable of knowing what it is like. Least of all parents. Sort of supportive, limited understanding of your needs but no clue at all what you are really feeling. Most therapist have a hard time even. Signs and symptoms, related pathologies, sure. Your pain, your hell is unique.

Having to move out and move on with your life is how the world works. I just wouldn't burn any bridges in the process
.          (Pile Driver)  
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(ROCK) ---> ME <--- (HARD PLACE)
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ImagineKate

#3
My parents have consistently let me down since, oh, I dunno, the beginning of time.

Several times I've stopped talking to them. However, tragedy always brings us back together.

I think my dad has stopped talking to me now. Mom, I'm not so sure but I am not out to her yet. I will see what happens.

Either way I hold no malice against them. They can't harm me. I am a strong, resilient, independent woman who holds her own every day.

They want to stop talking to me, fine. They get overbearing, I cut loose from them until they come back to their senses. It has happened before when my mom stormed out of my house. She was taking care of the kids but couldn't deal with it for some reason. So we stopped talking. My wife is still upset at her, and doesn't talk to her. But I kinda talk to her.

I just don't let them get to me.

Maybe that should be your approach. Don't cut ties, but stand your ground. You are who you are, nobody should tell  you otherwise.
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Newgirl Dani

I'm of the opinion some things should be cherished, with or without contact, positive or negative.  I wish I still had mine, my father was killed working as a logger when I was about 7, and I lost my mom 8 months after getting clean and sober when I was 46.  Some things cannot be replaced and understanding is important even when it is not returned.   Dani
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awilliams1701

I completely understand what you're going through. I had to cut ties with one of my sisters who started 3 really nasty conversations with me after I came out and I couldn't deal with it anymore. However I wouldn't say I've given up on her and you shouldn't either. At first she refused to see me as anyone but Allen. Now she's willing to refer to me as "A" since it covers both Allen and Ashley. I'm still not talking to her, but its progress. I have one other sister that's struggling with my transition as well. However she's been respectful about it. However she is married to a man that once said he wanted to stone gay people. My parents are telling me that he doesn't want his daughter (who is 6 months) to ever see me again (I met her 2 weeks after she was born). I'm hoping my sister will stand up to him, but he's turning her into this backwards 1940's housewife and its pissing me off.

Hopefully your parents will realize that they don't want to lose their child regardless of gender. Hopefully my sisters will come around. I already have my parents and one of my sisters on board. Hopefully in the future I'll get all of them on board.
Ashley
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ImagineKate

Quote from: Newgirl Dani on December 30, 2014, 11:46:33 AM
I'm of the opinion some things should be cherished, with or without contact, positive or negative.  I wish I still had mine, my father was killed working as a logger when I was about 7, and I lost my mom 8 months after getting clean and sober when I was 46.  Some things cannot be replaced and understanding is important even when it is not returned.   Dani

While that is true, I want love and not constant abuse.

When I married my wife, my mom said all manner of nasty things, such as our kids would have birth defects. Is that really something a loving mother would say? My mom had 3 problems with my wife - her age, nationality and the fact that she had 2 kids outside the marriage. I couldn't deal with this so I stopped talking to her. She eventually did come around though, as she said she couldn't stay mad at her kids forever. So that works.

My hope is that my mom will embrace me as the daughter she never had. If not, well no big deal. I live my life. Yes, I'll feel heartbroken but I'm not putting up with abuse.

My mother is a big wild card though. I have noooooo idea what she thinks of transgender people. None whatsoever. I don't even know what she thinks of gays and lesbians. The only experience I've had is when she caught me dressing and would be extremely alarmed and put a stop to it. Or when she accidentally bought me a girl's top for my birthday... or how she'd make fun of me as a fat kid saying she'd buy me a bra for Xmas.
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Jill F

I know firsthand how it feels to not have a good relationship with one's parents.   I was the black sheep, the disappointment, the underachiever, the misunderstood rebel from another planet.   I could never do ANYTHING without receiving sarcasm, ridicule or derision from them.   Sometimes I'd change it up, do the opposite of what I had been doing and still receive the same sarcasm, ridicule and derision.  My relationship with them for my entire life had been chilly at best.   When I came out as trans, I tried to explain that this was the underlying cause of all of my problems.   I didn't hear from them for a week and thought it was going to be all over, which, at the time, wasn't perceived to be such a great loss, and perhaps even a relief.

When my Mom called a week later, my mother basically said, "Your father and I have discussed this, and we have decided not to disown you.  I don't understand why you need to go there, and by the way, don't ever tell X, Y and Z because they are (bigoted)."

Really, I mean disowning me was even on the table because they even value their relationships with the bigots?   I almost disowned them, but I am so glad that I did not.  In fact I did not burn a single bridge.  Some people really do come around eventually, given their own time to process this.   What drove it all home was when people noticed that I was actually happy and fun to be around for the first time.  My parents finally "got it" when they saw me happy and smiling.  My brain was running on the right fuel, and I was no longer that miserable, irritable, cranky person that they learned to barely tolerate.  Some of my friends that initially said some pretty hurtful things, came back after they processed it all and are now some of my biggest supporters. 

My relationship with my parents and some of my friends is better than ever now.  I call my mother ten times more often than I ever did.

I'm just glad I never burned a single bridge.   Maybe even Drunkles X,Y and Z will come back one day in their own time.   
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Newgirl Dani

This is what I meant by "with or without contact, positive or negative."  In other words, if a really - situation is present I feel it is important to let them know exactly how one feels, then tell them distance is needed in order to maintain self care, until when and if they should decide you are important enough to change.  If the situation is + and I am the one causing a negative situation, the same act is needed, until I change.  The love never needs to be compromised and replaced with bad feelings, because it has been stated very clearly that it will never leave.  Still,  just my way of percieving things.  Dani
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Athena

Taking a break from your parents might be the better bet. In the end you can choose to have them back in your life or not. Taking a break allows you to not talk to your parents while still possibly allowing you to keep in touch with your siblings. A burnt bridge makes it much harder to cross that gap should you ever decide to do so then an abandoned bridge.

I might suggest agreeing with your mother in taking a break from each other rather then telling your parents that you want them out of your life permanently. Decisions made out of frustration are rarely good ones.
Formally known as White Rabbit
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Ms Grace

Takes some time off but don't cut yourself off. People do change their mind, they may come around eventually but that'll be harder to do with a burnt bridge in the way.
Grace
----------------------------------------------
Transition 1.0 (Julie): HRT 1989-91
Self-denial: 1991-2013
Transition 2.0 (Grace): HRT June 24 2013
Full-time: March 24, 2014 :D
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Zoetrope

I'm sorry Ida ... I really empathize.

It was a clear choice between being 'me' and being another's *idea of me* - but it was always going to come at a cost, and was a difficult choice nonetheless.

I think you'll come out on top. All the best x
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zog

I've had to cut off one of my relatives as well, so I completely understand. It's about what's more damaging, to stay in touch or to cut ties off. In my case it was pretty uncostly decision since this relative is an alcoholic with whom I didn't have any very meaningful contact anyhow. I just changed his name on my phone contacts to "don't answer" and that was that.

So I totally understand the reasons for doing so. Nothing in life has to be permanent, so maybe things will get better later on. Meanwhile, I see no reason to have damaging relations with anybody just because they happen to be related.
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