Need help, insight, anything on how you deal with this daily.

[Sandi99]

Hi,  My hubby told me about his crossdressing 10years after we were married, more because he was afraid that I would find out because I needed to use his computer and he had a file on his desk top where he had pics of him dressed in MY lingere.   He said he just like the feel of women's panties.  I told him to buy his own and not steal mine.  He seemed to be fine with just the panties.  Then suddenly within the past 6 months, he's off and running, buying clothes, wigs, heels, and tons of makeup.  Since halloween, we have gone out together with him in full dress.   The rate of progress is scaring me.  I am supportive, and we have agreed to boundaries, but I'm so afraid that he will want to do this full time, and then my husband will be gone.   I guess what I'm looking for is how other's have dealt with this, and someone to discuss my feelings with so I don't jump off a bridge.  Thank you for reading.

[stephaniec]

probably the best  path is therapy for the both of you,  just a suggestion

[Jo-is-amazing]

Just be considerate
If he's just a crossdresser so be it your relationship might change but not by all that much and who knows it might even be better than it has been over the last decade now that he's revealed more of himself to you.
...
If she's a trans woman things might get a little strange though. The thing you need to remember is that even if you feel you can't be with her with her as a woman (say because your straight for example ) that's no reason to be mean. It's not her fault she was born like this and you trying to change her back or abuse her is not going to make anything better. If worse comes to worse and you get divorced there's no reason why you can't stay friends even close friends just be considerate of the situation and what your partners going through and there will be a happy ending
Whatever it is XD

[Sandi99]

We do see a therapist.  He specializes in Transgender issues as well, from crossdressing to surgery.  My hubby likes him, but doesn't think we need this, and goes to support me.  I'm struggling with this big time right now.  He's been really nice and attentive, but almost every conversation we have revolves about him dressing, where will I take him, and we've been out more lately with him dressed than we have our entire marriage.  It's like he's sweet and nice as long as he's doing what he wants.  This past weekend was suppose to be me with my "man" version of him....we ended up shopping (he bought yet another dress), and shopping for groceries, then we came home because it was raining, yet the weekend before we went to local bars that are accepting of him, dressed,,,,,,,and it was raining, yet we stayed out late.  It's like as long as he can do this everything is great, but if I say anything like he's become obsessive, he's gets upset, says I'm just being mean, and not supportive.  It's not that at all......I just like my "man" around sometimes too.

[Sandi99]

Jo, I'm never mean, he perceives me as being mean when I express that I'm having a hard time at the moment, so please slow down so I have time to adapt.

[Jo-is-amazing]

I'm not saying you're mean ^_^
You sound really nice actually
I mean you came here for help which is a good idea

Your husband needs to be as considerate of you and your feelings as you do.of his and if he's not.willing to communicate with you in a calm and adult.manner than that's his fault not yours.

But you guys should discuss this properly and work out what it is you both want/ need out of the relationship and your future.

[blueconstancy]

(My wife transitioned in less than a year, so that I found out just before our 9th wedding anniversary and I was married to a woman on our 10th. I say this not to scare you - she was moving unusually fast and in any case every situation is unique - just to explain that I totally understand the feeling of being handcuffed to a speeding train sometimes.)

It sounds like you have a couple of issues; the first is that you don't know how far he plans to take this journey, which is a legitimate fear and unfortunately there's not a lot of reassurance for it. You won't know where he's going until he does... The second, and possibly the bigger problem here, is that he's being dismissive of your feelings and needs and you're not sure he's willing to listen to YOU on the journey. That's absolutely valid, and possibly something to raise in therapy. I've been in your shoes insofar as having a trans-stuff-obsessed spouse, and the thing is, you ARE being supportive. You're going with him and doing what he wants; you're loving him and not trying to discourage him. The "you'd let me do whatever I want whenever I want it or you're transphobic/don't love me" line is a guilt trip and untrue. There are women who could have written exactly what you have about their husbands' obsession with fixing old cars. It's not about trans stuff per se, it's that he has infinite time and energy when he wants something and then disregards you when you need anything he doesn't feel like doing; this is currently a one-sided situation and it's unfair.

The above is to validate your feelings here; he's not necessarily a jerk, and I assume you wouldn't be married to him if he hadn't had many appealing qualities. He's caught up in the initial "pink fog," is all, and he needs a reality check that he has to be supportive and caring in return or he might lose you. You can try telling him effectively that, if you think it would help - not an ultimatum, just a statement of fact. (And he can go ask his friends how many husbands could ignore their wives' needs and requests for too long without relationship consequences...!)

In the meantime, the best advice I can give is that you *are* "allowed" to have your own feelings here, and you deserve a lot of credit for what you've been through so far. (Oh, and that the latest study shows almost 50% of marriages do survive transition, with the odds being much better when the partner is able to cope with both the orientation change and the obvious changes in their trans spouse. So you're giving him an excellent chance here... and *he's* throwing it away if he refuses to acknowledge that.)

[Sandi99]

Thank you Blueconstancy.  Yes he does have great qualities, and yes he has been obsessive with anything and everything that catches his attention for that moment.  When he first told me about this (about 6 years ago now), he gave me so many assurances, and from the tons of research I did, I knew in my heart that it would one day progess to more than "I just like the feel of women's panties.   He will brush it off as it's just clothes, but it's so much more than just clothes for him.  He did admit that after the Therapist asked him to be honest with himself.  Today he pushed way past a boundary that we had set up.  Now I know a lot of people think that boundaries shouldn't exist, and a lot feel they are necessary.  Our boundaries are based on respect, and none are set in stone, and there is the option to modify, but we agreed that it would be discussed and a mutal compromise or if both parties agree, totally dumped.   He brushes it off like it's nothing.  How can I, and is it even possible, to get him to see that this a HUGE trust issue when he does what he wants anyway regardless?

[blueconstancy]

Sandi : I wish I had advice on how to get him to do that, but I can only offer sympathy. You ARE entitled to have boundaries, and it's a major red flag that he not only does not respect them but doesn't even realize what a serious violation this is. (Ignoring the process to modify those boundaries is a second violation, too.) I'm so sorry; it must be a scary and insecure feeling to know that he's currently so oblivious to your needs.

If he's been this obsessive about other things before, then perhaps the obsessive phase of this will also blow over - not the underlying transition needs, but the 24/7 focus on trans stuff to the exclusion of all else. With any luck, if that phase passes, it will be easier to get him to actually *listen* to you. Which is not at all an excuse for the way he's blowing you off now, of course.

[JulieL]

Sandi, I'm really sorry for everything you're going through right now.

I agree with everything blueconstancy has said.

If he's being selfish and not respecting or even discussing or recognizing your boundaries, that's a major problem regardless of his cross-dressing. That's poison to a relationship. You can only support him if he's being honest and respectful to you.

Just try to take it a day a time, and hopefully his obsessive phase will yield to a more open and considerate phase.

Best of luck.

[JoanneB]

Often times a TG spouse after spilling the deepest darkest secret ever in their life and surviving, will become euphoric at the reduction of some of the shame and guilt associated with it built over a lifetime. This sometimes leads to a major pushing of limits, as in too much waaaaay too fast. A recipe for disaster

THE major thing that has allowed my marriage to survive (so far) is having those all too painfull and all too difficult open and honest discussions. For me especially harder since talking, much less open and honest, has never been my forte. For her, dealing with feelings of betrayal, dishonesty, seeing the imminent end of the marriage much less a total redefinition of it,  plus plenty of raw naked emotions. Avoiding, and importantly recognizing TMI, can be difficult.