I've been mulling this over a lot the last few days. I have an account on Tumblr and was following her blog. Neither of us really knew each other and we weren't close. She mostly posted silly stuff like Sailor Moon stuff and so forth, cutesy feminine stuff, just a kid being a kid. I actually missed when she posted several suicide related posts and her note though due to the holidays and my birthday falling back to back, and only went back to look when I saw her tumblr name show up in a news story and thought it sounded familiar. I see so many people on Tumblr talking about harming or killing themselves, or wanting to, that when it actually happened ...
I just sighed.
It was just that unsurprising. With how many trans people I see with serious depression and lack of empathy from non trans people ... I just felt it was a matter of time before someone gave up.
Part of me is angry at her, some of which I feel is justified ... some of it not. I'm angry, because regardless of how freaking hard her situation was? I wish I could grab her by the shoulders, give her a good hard shake and tell her she should have held on and waited until she was 18. She was still more than young enough for HRT to have had very good results even with a later start date. She had so much to look forward to in life and it just seems very senseless to have thrown it away like that. We'll never know what she will achieve because she gave up.
I also have complex feelings about her wanting her death to have meaning. It worries me that the attention she's getting may prompt other trans youth (and even trans adults) to do the same in a desperate attempt to both give up and to do something that gives some kind of meaning in what they may very strongly feel is a meaningless empty life. High profile suicides often cause 'copy cat' suicides.
And in a way that makes my stomach churn ... I have to admit that it disturbs me greatly that her death does have meaning. There's drives, and petitions, and memorial services, and vigils, and politicians paying attention, and ... her death may actually get results. It sickens me that in order to get people talking a child has to step in front of a semi truck and give her life like that. How many more of us have to give our own blood before things change? And that thought brings me to what I said above ... there probably will be more blood spilled. It's horrible that us being murdered doesn't make people bat an eyelash ... but a girl stepping out onto a highway in the early morning makes national headlines. Only the most extreme acts get attention. To me it really speaks to how little our lives are valued by society in a way I can't really explain. It makes me physically ill thinking about it.
Even still, despite my anger at her ... there's also an unshakable feeling that ... I'm hard pressed to actually blame her. While I try to give people the benefit of the doubt until I hear their side ... her parents cruelty trying to send her to Christan 'therapists' to 'fix' her because their religion 'says no', intentionally socially isolating their child because they're 'embarrassed' and more worried about their reputation than their kid ... That would be hard to live with. Being Transgender is sooooo difficult already without dealing with out right cruelty like that from your own parents (as others have said here already). There are times when it's very hard for me to justify my own existence simply because it feels almost impossible.
There's something else that chills me to the bone when I think about how she died. I try to put on an optimistic front on my blog (...which is why I'm posting this here instead of there...while I know not everything I'm saying is going to be popular ... I've got to say it somewhere), but even still ... I've certainly thought about doing the exact same thing just because at times it's hard to shake the thought that, "You know what? This is too hard. It's just not worth it." Because of the way our society is, at times it really does feel like it would be easier and a better choice to just step in front of a semi truck and get it over with. And I'm older with more psychological self defense mechanisms and I've got a supportive family and friends. All of that helps me to be able to keep going no matter what. Without them ... While I'm angry at her for doing it? I don't know that I can really find it in my heart to blame her, either.
And her parents ...
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and, I'm also a parent. I can't begin to imagine how they feel. But at the same time...
It's REALLY HARD for me to feel sorry for them when, according to several news agencies, Leelah's own mom posts about her as 'him', didn't use her name, and almost flat out denied what even superficially was an obvious suicide for reasons she and presumably her husband were blatantly aware of and actively worsening. Her parents may not have pulled the trigger. They may not have legally done anything wrong (even if their actions were those of reprehensible monsters). But ... from where I'm looking, I genuinely feel that they killed her.
The best thing I can think of that might help make up for their horrible irresponsible negligent choices would be for them to publicly state that they were wrong. Turn around, find those 'therapists' who weren't doing a damn thing for your kid but say "Pray to god!". Rake them across the coals. Hold them accountable. Speak out and TELL people how YOU killed YOUR CHILD so that it NEVER EVER HAPPENS AGAIN.
I sincerely hope that Leelah's death brings about laws banning conversion therapy, and possibly goes farther to hold 'Christan therapists' accountable for the harm they do and forces them to practice at a higher, responsible, ethical standard, all of which they should be doing already. I pray that her parents look long and hard into their hearts and spend the rest of their lives trying to right this wrong and to help others. It's too late for their daughter.
But maybe they will listen to their own daughter's last words and help give Leelah's death meaning. Her parents very well could save lives.
