The first dream that I can remember was going to 1st grade at a school where every child carried a lunchbox-sized gender kit that they could use once on someone else. My friend, Angie, asked me if I wanted to be a girl. I didn't hesitate, "YES." Poof! I was a girl. But the next morning when I woke up, I was back to a boy again, only my hair was now red, white and blue tricycle streamers. I needed Angie again! When I found her, she said, "well, I can only fix it by making you a girl permanently. Are you ok?" I nodded yes. In my dreams sense then, I'm usually female.
For the next 40+ years, I found increasingly sophisticated ways to cope with the dissonance I felt over my gender. All the while, I lived a normal, happy male life. I've been married for decades, I have beautiful daughters. I enjoy being a father and a husband. I'm exceptionally rational but yet I've never found a way to get my brain to relax about my body.
So this year, I started therapy. Expressly choosing someone who was very conservative about meds and not a gender specialist. The results were good. I removed some of the crud in my life and ultimately shared with my wife. She was embracing and has been incredibly supportive. We are more in love than we have been since we met. She encouraged me to explore hormones. I started six weeks ago and my anxiety, the dissonance is gone. I still feel more female than male, but I don't feel it compulsive to have to do something to express it. I can just be.
I've since shared with about 10 close friends - several of whom are truly men's men - and they have also been beyond loving and supportive. My wife's friends have embraced her and I as well.
I haven't shared with others in my family - that lies ahead, but I've never been stronger mentally. And the lie that I believed my entire life - "If people knew who you really were, they wouldn't love you" - is officially dead.
I have no idea where this is going, but I've used this community a lot over the years to understand better who I am. Now I'm officially no longer an observer, but a member.
