How do you tell your kids?

[kellizgirl]

I am going to be coming to a point in the near future of living openly as myself. I have rehearsed in my mind the different scenario's of me explaining my choice to the various groups of people in my life. The one that hangs me up the most is my three kids at home. I have a 16, 7, and a 6 year old and I am not sure how to explain it to them so they understand and so they won't catch the backlash because of who I am. Does anyone have any good ideas?

[awilliams1701]

My sister told my niece, who is 5 years old, that I'm becoming a girl. I don't know exactly what she said, but very light on the details. Truth is she doesn't need to know much at her age. I met a girl in my neighborhood about the same age that asked me why I was wearing a dress. I told her I'm becoming a girl. She seemed to understand. That would be my advice on the 6 & 7 year olds. Tell them what's going on, but keep it simple.

I have a niece and two nephews that are teenagers. I believe they are old enough that I'm willing to tell them anything they want to know. They are aware of my situation, but I'm not sure how much they know. Personally I would start off simple and then answer any and all questions as long as they are respectable about it. That is the same way I've dealt with all the adults I've told.

[suzifrommd]

I am going to be coming to a point in the near future of living openly as myself. I have rehearsed in my mind the different scenario's of me explaining my choice to the various groups of people in my life. The one that hangs me up the most is my three kids at home. I have a 16, 7, and a 6 year old and I am not sure how to explain it to them so they understand and so they won't catch the backlash because of who I am. Does anyone have any good ideas?

As far as how to tell them:

Kids have a much easier time understanding this than adults. It's really not a hard concept.

"There are some men who realize they need to become women in order to be happy with themselves. We call those people 'transgender'. I'm one of them. You'll see me seem less and less like a man and more and more like a woman."

If they have questions, you can answer them honestly.

As far as protecting them from the backlash:

You can't. The backlash will be what it will be. Children need to learn to adapt. There are a large number of children who are different in some way, whether it's because they have a parent who is is famous, because they're a different religion or ethnicity, because they have a family member with a disability, because they themselves have a visible non-conformity, they have a non-traditional family structure, or for any other reason.

Part of the process of growing up is learning to accept who you are and where you came from, to make peace with it, and to integrate it with your whole being to become a complete person. As a parent you can't make this process happen or hurry it along.

You also can't protect them from bad things. They will have broken bones, broken hearts, academic failures, disappointments, and setbacks of all varieties. The social ramifications of a transitioning parent fits in those categories.

What you can do, is help your kids focus on their strength and character. Give them a strong sense of what is right, and give them opportunities to learn that they are capable and powerful. Let them know at every turn that you love them and are there for them.

In this way, parenting as a transgender person is no different from any other parenting. The issues they'll face are no different that the sort of issues that face most kids as they grew up.

Does this help?

[kellizgirl]

Thank you all for the help. suzifrommd and awilliams1701 you both helped me formulate a plan when I put it into action I will post the results. Thank you again sooooo much!!

[ImagineKate]

My therapist suggested to simply use the word "transgender" and explain the term to them.

I haven't had a full talk with them yet, but one of my daughters always points out when I wear a dress. K is my daughter. She's 4. C is her older sister (from another marriage) who is in her 20s.

K: "Daddy, why are you wearing a dress!?"
Me: "Because I like beautiful dresses."
K: "Dresses are for girls, daddy, you're not a girl."
Me: "Well, actually I am a girl."
K: "No, you're not a girl!"
Me: "Actually I am. I was born a girl but I look like a boy. But I'm taking some medicine and seeing some doctors so I can look more like the girl that I really am."
K: "So you're a girl like C?"
Me: "Yes, you can say that."
K: "Oh, okay, I like your dress, daddy."

The conversation more or less ends there. Actually they only started questioning recently since they started going to school. My guess is that increased social interaction has increased their awareness of gender roles. My therapist also says that they're of the age where they are becoming aware of this stuff. Makes sense. I figured out I was a girl at age 4 or 5 as well.

[Foxglove]

My son was in his 20's when I came out to him.  He didn't know the first thing about ->-bleeped-<-, so I simply explained it to him.  I also told him about my (unhappy) history and let him know why it was so important for me to make the big transformation.  (It would make me a lot happier.)

One warning: an older child (teens, 20's on up) can be OK with the idea in theory, but nonetheless seeing you for the first time in your new image can be uncomfortable for them.  My son was perfectly OK with everything I told him about ->-bleeped-<- and myself, but still it took him some time to adjust to "the new me".

You didn't say whether your 16-year-old is a boy or girl.  That could perhaps make a difference.