So it occurred to me today that I actually have some genuine helpful advice on what to do about your crush. Just sort of popped into my head while I was talking with the girl I have a crush on. And then on my lunch I went back and reread your post, and I suddenly realized - I know you, and you hate me. At least, if you are the person I suspect you are. If you're not, skip down a few paragraphs for some advice.
But if you are that person the prudent thing for me to do would be to ignore you. However, as you said, this is a tiny college town. And both of us have a kind of isolating existence. So although you'll never trust me, and I sure as hell don't blame you, I want to offer some crush advice as an olive branch in the hopes that we can coexist peacefully in this tiny college town.
As an aside, if you were talking about me when you said "...hacking my computer, breaking into my house etc..." I did none of that. I never actually left my house - I just used google to follow your really obvious breadcrumb trail across the internet. Which, mind you, is no less creepy. I'm sorry. You vanished at pretty much the same point that everyone else in my life vanished, and my brain short circuited, and well, I went to a very unhealthy place. Not offering that as an excuse. There's no arguing that I went to a creepy creepy place. But, I can assure you that it wont happen again. With you, or anyone else.
Although, I will say, now that you're in the world of dating for real - there's a fine line between sweet and endearing, and creepy and stalkerish. For reference, watch the 1989 John Cusack romcom "Say Anything". What his character does is sweet and romantic ONLY because the girl is interested in him. If she wasn't it would've been considered creepy and stalkerish. That's how romance works. Many actions can go either way, and it's predicated entirely upon the other persons interest level. That's something you should be aware of in your quest for "tall, dark, and handsome". Especially if you're going after people who are nerdy and socially awkward - they typically don't have enough experience to know where that line is. Most girls figure this out in their teens. Most guys in their 20s. You and I kinda both missed the boat, and I'm trying like hell to play catchup. It seems you are too.
So that said... Advice that's better than passing a note:
1. DO NOT ask him out when other people are around, unless they're out of earshot and ignoring you. It would seem to be common sense, but, in the heat of the moment when you're all psyched up to actually ask, you might overlook those other people in favor of asking before you lose your nerve. Sounds like he prolly did when he asked you. But, asking in front of other people creates a ton of unnecessary social pressure, either to say yes when it's not really meant - causing awkwardness and hurt feelings later, or a really public rejection, which is also pretty >-bleeped-<ty.
2. DO make up some pretense to go see him, unless you have a genuine reason to go see him. The more flimsy the pretense the better, to be honest. He'll know your pretense is bull>-bleeped-<, but it's one way of saying "Hey, I'm interested in you" without actually saying it. At this stage you don't wanna say anything resembling "OHMEHGERDWILLYOUHAVECOFFEEANDDINNERANDMAKEMESOMEBABIES!?!?" That will make him run the <not allowed> away. See my past interactions with you. Basically, don't do what I did. :-D But you do want to have a pretense, because "cold calling" for a date is also a little weird and gives of a kind of desperate vibe. I dunno. Something like "Just checking in to see if your computer is still performing up to snuff" or whatever.
3. Since he already asked you once, you know there's some interest on his part. Or at least there was, which can be cultivated. That puts you ahead of the game. To actually ask him just be honest and say something like "Hey, a while back you asked me to do something... Would you still be interested in doing that? I'm thinking it would be nice to go out and get some coffee..." That's really all you need to say. You don't need to explain your awkwardness, or lack of experience, though if it comes up later you should because it helps demonstrate that you are a real authentic person. I can't speak for guys, but I know girls will find all kinds of awkwardness endearing if the person is authentic about it.
4. If you do get the coffee date. Meet him there. Do not let him pick you up. Not for the first date. You will be a giant bundle of awkward nervousness, and if you meet him there, and you start to have a nervous breakdown during the date, you can make a much more graceful exit and save face enough to get another date when you've relaxed more. It's much harder to do if he drove you there - "I'm freaking the <not allowed> out because I'm so nervous, take me home please" does not win you a second date.
5. In terms of small talk. I've recently learned there are differences in how men and women approach it. As in, I learned this today. Men ask questions. It's a very interrogative style of conversation. Question, answer, question, answer, etc. Women, on the other hand, use narrative... Basically, just comment on something. Anything. The more random the better. ie. "Your coffee looks hot." That's not a question. It's a narrative statement. It's a subtle cue for him to respond, rather than the more overt "Is your coffee hot?" If he misses the cue you can turn it into a question by tacking on "is it?" or something, or you can throw out another narrative statement. Once you really get good at it you can start throwing out clearly bull>-bleeped-< statements designed to get him to flirt with you. That's more advanced of a level than I am at, currently, but, it definitely is something that works on me.
6. Flirting = teasing with a smile. Also, if you're occasionally a little self deprecating and you add carefree laughter to it, and he complements you, or teases you, it's a good sign of interest on his part. But do not over do it.
7. Touch is also important. This will probably be the hardest thing for you. If he likes you, he will touch you. Most guys consider hands, elbows, and shoulders as fair territory they can touch on a woman they don't know. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. But it just is. As they get more interested and comfortable with you they'll try your knee/leg, waist, neck, or face. You have to set your own boundary, defined by your comfort level, and communicate that in a firm and friendly way. In terms of other forms of touch, side hugs are considered friendly, frontal hugs are considered more intimate, unless you pat him on the back. In terms of you touching him... It's expected for you to encourage escalation using touch. I have NO idea how this works, as you know all too well. So, I've resigned myself not do it ever.
8. Body language. There's a lot of info on the internet regarding the body language of attraction. It's relatively similar for men and women. I'll leave it up to you to do your research on that. However, most of the stuff on the internet is geared towards the mindset of extroverted people. Introverted people are MUCH more subtle with their body language, and offer a lot of conflicting signals. You do this. I do it too, for that matter. Makes figuring people out much harder. However, I've come to learn that people will start making their body language more overt if you miss their signals but otherwise show interest in them. The girl I've been batting my eyelashes at only just this week started showing really overt signs of attraction towards me, and our first date was in august. So, it can take a long time. But, if you really want a relationship with this guy, and not a fling, put in the time. NOTE: if you do look up body language of attraction on the internet most of the websites you'll find are geared towards wannabe pickup artists. The stuff they say about the body language is usually spot on. But, ignore everything else they say. You might want to look up the body language for women too, just so you'll know what YOU should be doing to signal your interest in him. Although it may come natural to you, I dunno. I've found that it largely did for me.
9. Parting ways. Part ways with a hug, and tell him something like "I had a lot of fun, we should get together again..." With any luck he'll ask you out for a second date on the spot. If he doesn't, all hope is not lost, but back away. Be friendly yet aloof for a week or two, give him some space to come to you. If he doesn't it's perfectly acceptable to go to him and ask for a second date.
10. Disclosing your status as trans. A lot of people have an opinion on this. My personal feelings are if I want a relationship with a person, then I want to be able to be fully and completely open with them about every aspect of my life - including my transition. Also, the girl I'm interested in met me pre transition, so it's not like I can hide it from her. But, even then, it still took me three dates to find the courage to bring it up. I finally said "So, am I the first trans person you've met? I'm just wondering because you seem really cool about it, and most people think I'm weird." And, she had a really awesome and very respectful reply. And now it's an open topic for us. But, it's ultimately your call on whether or not you want to disclose.
Anyway. That's all I can think of for right now. Good luck, godspeed, and welcome to the next level of puberty 2.0 :-)
