Unsure

[TayTay]

So...my first post here and I guess I am a little confused.

From when I was young, as long as I can remember, I identified as being a boy/man. When I was 16, I had an appointment booked to go see a specialist gender psychologist and had my transition all planned out.

I then met a friend and joined a church as I was desperate to make some friends and find a place to belong. I came out to my friend and it didn't go well, it went along the lines of transitioning would not be acceptable and that it would have to be sacrifice that I would have to make.

I am now 28, and for the past two years, the feelings have come back, I'm not sure that they ever went. I realised when I had the shock of my life when I looked into a mirror that I always expect to see a guys body!

Trouble is, now I have a long term boyfriend (6 years) and have made great friends. I talked about it to a friend the other night who said he was ok but then proceeded to get very drunk. I also am a teacher.

Basically, I am now trying to figure out if it is worth the risk of throwing all this away. I could keep acting and keep what I have or I could transition and run the risk of my life turning out worse due to losing friends/job/being bullied. My friends are my life, I wouldn't want to make things weird with them but it still seems like being transgender is weird for most people.

Apologies for the long post.

[Brenda E]

Basically, I am now trying to figure out if it is worth the risk of throwing all this away.

It's confusing at first!  Start small: nobody's going to force you to make any life-altering decisions, so begin by visiting a gender therapist and figuring out some of these questions.  Worst case (or best case), you decide to do nothing about it and you've lost nothing.

When looking at transition from afar, it seems overwhelmingly massive.  It's not - trust me.  It's like any other life change, a series of small steps - lots of them - taken gradually over time.  And you can go as fast or as slow as you like, and stop when you're comfortable with who you've become.  The options for transition are so flexible.

But your first port of call should be a good therapist, one who has dealt with gender issues before.  From there, you'll be able to figure out what your goals are, whether it's worth transitioning, and how to proceed.

All the best!

[JoanneB]

If it is any consolation being unsure is not all that unusual and certainly (IMHO) a good thing. Something like transitioning full-time to the opposite gender is no small undertaking. Sometimes the decision is fairly simple, You see only 2 choices; Transition or die. I think 3 or more choices is better.

I am still unsure after 50+ years of knowing I am trans, two experiments at going full time, On/off HRT several times (usually low dose) for a brain reset, and a good 6 years of actually for real taking the trans beast head on.

A good place to start is working on yourself, your emotional health, first. I suspect you are carrying a ton of emotional baggage around some directly trans related, some not. My best therapy came from my TG support group. I was shocked how just being there, knowing I wasn't really alone, hearing so many others almost tell my story was a life changer. That along with a ton of self help books.

Baby steps and living in the present, being mindful. You can re-visit the past for clues, just don't stay there long. Try not to dwell on a totally unknown and uncontrollable future. My big weakness. My wife, my therapist and several of my group members love to ask me "Who made you God?" Or "How arrogant are you to think that you can control the future?" OK, I admit I need that 2x4 of reality across the side of the head sometimes

[Ms Grace]

Hi TayTay!

Welcome to Susan's Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

I guess two of the questions to test yourself are if you could press a button and become male would you press it? How would you feel if you could never ever become male? How you feel about these two scenarios can give you a sense of what you need around your gender identity. I almost transitioned at age 23 then put it off for 25 years, I hadn't realised it but not living as myself was making me increasingly depressed. Fighting the feelings were making me miserable. The best thing to do is talk things through with a counsellor. A lot of things can be sacrificed through a transition and that is often extremely painful, but is staying as the wrong gender even more painful?

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Cheers

Grace

[TayTay]

Thanks for the advice, its great to finally be a member here.

[Rachel]

Hi Tay Tay,

I agree on the advise and perspectives given. Also, I know I over analyzed my situation pre HRT and thought I would lose my wife and daughter, job and I do not have fiends but I do have acquaintances, so loss of them. 

I am out to a lot of people at work and when I fully come out and hopefully express at work I think it will be ok. If I fully transition I may lose my wife and daughter but I may not. I am going slow and they are still here. If I lose acquaintances I can replace them. If I had close friends and lost half I would have 50% true friends and more time to spend with them.

Two years ago I was trying to kill myself because I could not  stand the lie one more day and felt I had to end the pain. I chose to get help. My dysphoria could no longer be suppressed.

The difference between the second and third paragraph is 2 years of therapy, 1 year of group and 19 months of HRT and facing my fear. I have grown as a person more in the past 2 years than most of my life. I look forward to 2015. Transition has a lot of dimensions and you get to tailor it to you and who you are.   

[mrs izzy]

Welcome TayTay to Susan's family

So many topics to explore and posts to write

Safe passage on what ever your path brings