Just started going out as me

[ElizMarie]

If you've read my intro post, I'm 61 and questioning how far I need to go to handle the gender dysphoria that's been trying to take over my life for the past couple of years or so.  Back in 2006, I spent a lot of time wrestling with this problem and decided at that time to purge everything and try to finish my life living as a male.  Well, that didn't work.  The dysphoria is back with a vengeance, and rather than trying to bury it, I'm seeing a gender therapist to see how far I need to go to live with it, whether it be crossdressing or a full-on MTF transition. (I'm pre-HRT, 6'1", but weight proportional to height.  I stand out due to the height, but otherwise, I'm pretty much ok.  Oh, and I have little to no beard shadow thanks to having less beard than usual, and mostly gray.)

On Christmas Eve, I went out to a Wal-Mart and a Dollar General as "me".  I was dressed the way that most women in our area were dressed that day - a warm top, jeans, knee-high boots pulled up over the jeans, and little or no makeup.  From all of the women that I encountered that day, I got nothing but big smiles and warm greetings - pretty much that same smile that you see women trading with other women all the time.  I was in the checkout at Dollar General and had my things referred to as "her stuff" by the man behind me in line.  I received no second glances, no stares, absolutely nothing negative.  I was on "cloud nine" when I came home.  I had felt like a woman, I had confidence, and I thoroughly enjoyed my time as female instead of the male that's forced on me every day.

But just a few days later, I decided to go check out a prospective apartment complex close to my work in case that I find it necessary to transition.  Again, I dressed appropriately, this time more like a career woman my age.  I even put on makeup.  But in spite of being friendly, the property manager appeared uncomfortable dealing with me, though she said nothing disparaging.  We had a friendly conversation, but at the end, I was distraught. I thought, why am I even trying this?  Why can't I just be satisfied by being male? 

Have others of you ever had these experiences early in the exploration of your transgender self?  It was disturbing to me that I could go from confident to not-so-confident so quickly.  Maybe that's just part of working through this.  I would really appreciate anyone's thoughts on this.

Marie

[JoanneB]

"WTF am I doing???"  Oh yeah, I am quite familiar with them. Especially early on in the process of taking the trans-beast on, for real.

I consider myself lucky. So far after 58 years on this earth my choices haven't come down to transition or die. Though there are days..... Low dose HRT helped me tons over the decades. So has living part-time. I have a fun job and don't really want to blow up my career over this if I can avoid it. Though it can be argued I have a few times already over how I have not been

[Emily R]

Elizmarie,

I give you a lot of credit for having the "fortitude" to go out.  My gender dysphoria keeps pushing me to the limit and I feel that I am between proverbial rock and the hard place, but at the same time terrified to step outside, I know a therapist will help and hopefully this will happen this month.

You have already taken the big step, don't even think of retreating or slowing down, pick your places so that the level of acceptance is higher and your will succeed.   Plan to start with hormones maybe on a low dosage which from the little I have been able to pick here it appears to feminize you at a slower pace which may be more appropriate at least for me.

It seems that Susans' has a great group of members that have been through all and they will recommend the right path.

Please keep in touch

Emily