my mom read my diary

[sonson]

Hi everyone

As I've said before in other threads, I realized I was trans only about 2 months ago, and since then I've been too afraid to come out to anyone. right now I'm still staying with my family for the holidays. my plan was to find a therapist as soon as I got back home, and then once I felt ready, I would come out to my parents. well, that plan's out the window now because apparently my mom found my diary last night and read through it.

Im not sure how to feel. this morning she came in my room and told me that she read it, and apologized for doing it. right away she said that she and my dad (she told him) are very supportive and only want me to be happy, which was a beautiful thing to hear, but I could hardly process it at the time because my brain was doing somersaults.

naturally she had a lot of questions and said she just wants to understand. there were so many things I wanted to say but my mind was totally blanking. I gave her pretty much the basics of my timeline with how I've dealt with this, and how I feel about it all. She's dealt with a lot of depression and anxiety in her life so she kind of understood, aside from the gender aspect. a couple times though she sort of implied that this may be something that I need anti-depressants for more so than transitioning, but I think that idea just makes HER more comfortable with this right now so I didnt try to argue. I just said that I used to tell myself that that this was just some form of depression back when I was still in denial, but now I dont agree.

Im still in shock and have conflicting feelings. Im overjoyed that shes so loving and accepting, but at the same time I dont know if I was ready to be outed like that... It was definitely an invasion of privacy, but in a way Im sort of relieved that I dont have to come out to them on my own anymore. another upside is that she said she'll gladly pay for my therapy sessions, which is great because Im a poor hungry child 

I think in the end this will end up being a good thing, but it feels weird right now. I've had all day to process it and my heart is still racing. It feels awkward when I talk to them now, like we're all pretending everythings normal even though now we all know that nothings ever gonna be the same. I know I shouldnt but I feel embarrassed about myself around them, despite their positive reaction.... I assume these feelings will pass with time..
at least this secret is finally OUT!!!

telling my friends will be another story though.....

[Mariah]

I very happy to hear they are supportive and in many ways your being out to them now is a blessing for you. Sounds like they love and care about you enough to want to and need to understand. I'm glad she apologized for invading your privacy, but this is one of those cases where they cared so much they felt like they had to invade it even though they know it's still wrong to do so. It may feel awkward now, but remember this is all new to them too so it's almost certainly just as awkward at this stage for them as it is you because all of you don't ever want to say the wrong thing. Relax and let things flow naturally between you and your parents because it should go smoother that way.
Mariah

[sonson]

I very happy to hear they are supportive and in many ways your being out to them now is a blessing for you. Sounds like they love and care about you enough to want to and need to understand. I'm glad she apologized for invading your privacy, but this is one of those cases where they cared so much they felt like they had to invade it even though they know it's still wrong to do so. It may feel awkward now, but remember this is all new to them too so it's almost certainly just as awkward at this stage for them as it is you because all of you don't ever want to say the wrong thing. Relax and let things flow naturally between you and your parents because it should go smoother that way.
Mariah

yes, I think you are absolutely right. despite my current conflicting feelings, I know this is a good thing and Im glad that it happened. finally, for the first time after years of pushing it down, I was able to speak to someone face to face about these feelings. and Im endlessly grateful that it was with my mother, who loves and cares for me so deeply.

today was a very big step on the start of a long long journey 

[Cin]

I'm sure you're going through a lot of different emotions right now. After years of hiding (and hiding is unhealthy), it's natural to want things to happen really fast now that you were outed and you found support, but it's important to be patient. It's best to ease your mom into your problems and what you want to do about it at a comfortable pace. I think your mother's response was the best thing that could have happened, since she is understanding and willing to learn more about your problem.

[sonson]

I'm sure you're going through a lot of different emotions right now. After years of hiding (and hiding is unhealthy), it's natural to want things to happen really fast now that you were outed and you found support, but it's important to be patient. It's best to ease your mom into your problems and what you want to do about it at a comfortable pace. I think your mother's response was the best thing that could have happened, since she is understanding and willing to learn more about your problem.

you're right about that, now that its out I just want to tell everyone else and guzzle down a bunch of hormones as quickly as possible lol 
but yeah, Im definitely going to continue with my slow and steady plan, one step at a time, starting with therapy in a week or two.
Im also gonna find a bunch of helpful information online, a big list of links that I can send my mom. that should be able to tell her much more than I can.
im so done with hiding