Self Doubt, Second Thoughts?

[stevie21]

Hi everybody,

I am just wondering if anybody else here has ever gone from being confident (or sure) that you were trans to not being sure anymore? I thought from all the feelings and confusion I've had thru my life that transgender had to be what I am, and I went to a support group a couple times and told a bunch of people at the LGBT center at school but since I've done that I've all of a sudden been in this frame of mind like, "->-bleeped-<- is this really right for me?" Maybe I have just been really confused about having lots of feminine energy and not having an honest outlet for it. I've been into astrology for a long time and I have a lot of Scorpio in my chart (Moon, Ascendent, Pluto) which is a fixed feminine sign with a lot of emotional intensity and themes of death + rebirth, transformation.. but also I have Sun in Aries and a strong masculine aspect of my nature. I read that and I think, well yeah that sounds like me, but does that mean that one of my life's purpose is to transition? I have had a compulsion to crossdress since I was little that I've just basically kept secret, and growing up I was always jealous of the girls because they were free to express masculinity + femininity combined.. I was picked on for being different. I was never super feminine but I was very quiet, kind of passive, really intelligent, loved to read + write and was very advanced at them, enjoyed math, had a high pitched voice. A lot of people just thought I was gay and taunted me as such.. but I didn't think I was at the time.

Now I am home on winter break with my family, and my parents are very sick + stressed and broke, not really eating that much and sleeping a lot, just laying around and spending waaayyy too much time in my head and on the computer and not really being active or social or very healthy. And I keep going back in forth in my head questioning whether or not this is right for me and what I'll do when I go back to school in a couple weeks and be around so many people again, and the small number of which have seen me self-identify as trans. I look in the mirror and I see myself as a very attractive guy.. I am about 6' 180 lbs with muscles and a six pack, built like a beast. And I think, as much as I feel my spirit has such strong feminine energy, and as much as I wish I was born female, maybe I can find a way to make peace with this energy and be happy in my skin. But I have this sexual hang up because I've never had a girlfriend (I've had real short flings) and I'm terrified of being honest with a partner about this side of myself and getting hurt, or hurting somebody else. So I don't really know how to approach girls or flirt or be emotionally honest. I have also experimented with guys a couple times and a lot of it didn't really feel right but I did enjoy oral   

I just honestly feel very confused and second guessing if I'm really trans and if that's really what I'm destined for. I am a spiritual person and I have to wonder if there's a reason that my energy was put in this masculine body, if maybe I'm meant to stay this way and live my life out in this form for a reason. I also start to wonder how my grandparents and ancestors would feel about these issues if they could see my inner essence.. I come from a line of very macho guys.. my great grandpa was the head of the railyard in south Boston back in the day, and my grandpa was the head of the shipbuilder's union in Quincy until it closed in the 80's. These guys fought in WW2 and Korea, as did my other grandparents. And their blood is in me, their genes are in me, I have prime genetics and a strong stout body & character.. my uncle's always telling me like "you don't even know what you are, what you're really capable of, you have A1 genetics, you can conquer the world" and all this stuff. And I wonder what all these men would think if they knew how I've felt since I was little and what I've thought about potentially doing. I can't help but feeling they'd probably be ashamed as hell.

So yeah, I am at this point where I'm feeling very unsure of myself and my purpose and who I should be. I don't understand myself or my essence and I feel like I have corrupted my thought processes through a lifetime of way too much porn and erotica and thoughts.. and I've gotten to the point where I don't have any real close friends or relationships, and am grappling with a lot of depression, not just about these issues but also about all the other things in the world I've watched over the years, all the crap I've seen, my family being sick, being broke, being unhealthy, all the troubles in the world. I am in a funk I don't know how to get out of. I am just wondering if anybody else has experienced similar feelings of doubt or confusion, or has any advice. And a part of it was just needing to vent a little bit.. sorry for this kind of depressing thread. Thanks & peace and love

[mrs izzy]

Stevie21

I would suggest finding a gender therapist to help you get through the fog.

GD is a very hard thing to try and self diagnose.

There holds so many facets to the spectrum and it needs to be processed due to its own concerns and needs.

No magic just lots of soul searching and pain.

Just my suggestion. 

[ImagineKate]

Doubt is a normal part of it. This is why WPATH standards of care won't just give you things like SRS on demand, because that is pretty much irreversible. HRT is sorta reversible, certainly easier than SRS which is pretty much a done deal.

You're not on HRT it seems but I have had some doubt in my mind after starting HRT. However I was told that the hormones would tone down the dysphoria to an extent that it's just really not that bad anymore and I might start to feel "normal" again and question myself. That said, when I see progress, I am happy. When I venture out and get correctly gendered, I am ecstatic. However I've developed a stronger conscience now and I often wonder "WTF am I doing, and who am I harming?" This is where I step back and take things a bit more cautiously.

Your therapist should be there to help you in this regard. If you have doubt, it's best to at least step back and reexamine instead of just dismissing it. This doesn't mean stopping anything, it might just mean a talk with your therapist and evaluating where you are and where you'd like to go. I've done this a few times. It was actually quite good to see exactly where I was and where I am now. I have come a long way but I still have far to go. But there is no doubt that I've made tons of progress that I wouldn't otherwise have.

It's always good to question yourself because you can often see a clearer path if you are forced to step back and evaluate things.

[stephaniec]

I think a very good place to start is a professional therapist

[warlockmaker]

Its normal to have doubts. I have been a male much longer than you and we develop a male pattern of behavior, I remember vividly finally calling my first therapist (about 6 years ago), which was really difficult as I have never spoken to one before on any matter. This was the first person I told that I was TG and it was all very embarrising. Today I still talk with a therapist every 2 weeks and yes I have had doubts which I have expressed. I can only tell you that starting HRT was the most eventful happening in my mental life. Before I felt I was looking out at the world from a fishbow, disconnected with life. HRT was a wonderful change and euphoric at first. Since then I have found so much peace and when I have doubts I just think what it would be like to go back to the old me and I shudder with fear. This is a big event in our lives and it is normal to be prudent. Today, I look forward to my SRS, I wish it could happen magically,  as it has in my dreams, but the reality of surgery scares me. I walk the fine line between two worlds today but I know I am more at peace with myself and I know I never want to go back. If you haven't talked with a therapist please do so. There is no rush as its a lond journey of self discovery and it makes life so very more interesting. I wish you a safe journey in the path you choose in life and may it be filled with wonders , joy and peace.

[rosinstraya]

Hi Stevie,

I echo the comments above about seeing a therapist.

I note that currently things a are a bit dismal at home and you are stuck on the computer - it's not the ideal time to be making definitive calls on who you are or are not.

Who you are and what you need to do, or not do, is down to you and is, in my view, not dependent on any kind of destiny or what your ancestors did. Your destiny is what you work out for yourself for your own well being. No other can direct this for you.

Good luck and best wishes in what you decide to do.

[April_TO]

Being Trans takes a whole lot of courage. You may not be fighting WW2 or Korea but you are fighting the "norm" in society which in my opinion is up there in the list.

Speak to a specialist and go from there.

April

[JoanneB]

My biggest doubts/fears/concerns has always been essentially just "How trans am I?" followed by "What to do about it?". As far as How trans, I never had any doubt all my life that I should have been a girl. Cross-Dressing or the occasional voyage to Female Island just wasn't doing it for me. But.... Better luck next lifetime given what I got to work with. Ergo - What to do about it?

About 6-7 years ago I began to see what I was doing about it, actually not doing, wasn't working for me either. Since I am not a big fan at all of change in my life doing anything different came with a lot of apprehension, fears, and doubts. To this day I still have doubts about my future. However I have no doubt that the steps I have taken and are taking are the best things I've ever done for myself and for others around me.

After 30-50 years of trying things other ways, I have no doubt at all when I say "I know what does not work". Sure life is totally complicated and oft times scary these days. It is also far better

[stevie21]

Thanks Everybody

[Jen72]

I know this wont be to helpful but basically what you wrote with a few changes I could have wrote. I am waiting to try HRT and in the meantime thinking of really who or what I am. It really is no easy task but if we don't figure this out with some help along the way then well at least I think I would be left with a huge regret of at least not exploring my options on this. As others have said yes see a therapist. Myself have seen one all I really did was basically explain stuff didn't ask questions but even that helps and no I am doubting aswell but still feel I need to try and see what happens.

My advice to someone that sounds very kindred is this tryout things with some council and look into yourself to really figure out who you want to be in the future. Its kind of like the old adage the dumbest question is the one never asked and this feels like one of those things but with a lot more then just a simple question.

I wish you the best of luck and tbh at least you have thought of this at least somewhat earlier then myself in my mid 40s guessen you are a bit younger either way its a path to a new you however it goes:)

[alexbb]

"I have to wonder if there's a reason that my energy was put in this masculine body, if maybe I'm meant to stay this way and live my life out in this form for a reason."

people who say god did this or that for a reason are in my view, wrong. gender dysphoric people just happen to have female brains in male bodies, or vice versa. there is no reason, apart from mundane ones to do with genetics and evolutionary game theory in large populations of social apes and birth order and so on. we make our own reasons. love is surely the best one. love yourself. do what you gotta do! youll be so much happier and full of love for other people too.

i think being trans takes courage, but pretending to be someone youre not, living without hope, and hiding it from everyone so no-one can help, thats 1000000x harder. Youve been very strong and brave to get this far. This is easy by comparison!  You deserve to be happy! And no regrets; you might not have been ready before, but maybe now you are! Grab your life and run with it. Those are the things i say to myself anyway! For the first time in my life i feel real and good and I want anyone else whos been through the same thing to feel the same. I think youll be surprised; people you worry will reject you actually respect you, admire you, want to help and support you. Let them in! Enjoy!

[alexbb]

Oh one other thing, we are taught from very early that what we are is shameful, to be hidden right? Weak, bad, wrong. We tell ourselves its not so, so we dont feel shame, despair..

We are what we are. NO SHAME! Once you break that connection, between our true natures, and shame, its like cutting loose great iron weights from your soul. And you rise! And nothing can stop you.
I wish you the very best!

[stevie21]

Thank you everybody for your kind words