How true is it really that it gets worse with age?

[orangejuice]

At the start of the month I was prescribed a month's supply of Cyproterone Acetate as a sort of trial see how I feel type thing. Mentally I felt pretty good but 6 days after taking it I had some really scary side effects. Thankfully I feel fine now.

But the thing is during that week I felt so terrible that I resolved that once I was better I was going to put these feelings behind me. I even felt pretty happy that it had happened. I've often felt like something drastic was going to have to happen to give me some clarity, and it felt like this was it. Nothing is worth risking your health. So what if deep down I know I'm transgender. I've been good at being a guy. If I can be who I was before I'd be happy. Maybe I just need to focus on the great friends and family I have, focus on the huge advantages I still have in life despite doing my best to mess it up, focus on exercise and the hobbies that I love, focus on what I am good at and forget what makes me insecure, care less about what I see in the mirror. I think I could be happy. I still change my mind constantly, but for the first time in ages I'm seriously thinking about flipping that switch that I've left alone lately, and really giving it a shot. I really believe you can do a lot with positive thought. I know it is far healthier to accept who you are naturally. But I had 20 years or so of  lying in bed at night and wishing I would wake up a girl before I realised where that might be leading me. That creates a pretty powerful desire. I think I could practice changing the way I think and stop giving this desire so much space in my head.

I should say I think I'm far from typical of most people with gender dysphoria. I don't want anyone to think I'm saying you can just think this feeling away. I mean I wish I was a girl. I always will. But I'm not. So the second option has always been be the best guy that I can be. That is what my life has been up to this point. And I've liked who I was. I think I can again. I never hated being a guy, I just always knew I'd prefer being a girl. I think that means that transition would be the third option. If I was lucky enough to know that I could pass I'd do it. But I can't. One of the things that has made me realise I am transgender is that I used to put on my sisters clothes in secret. But I more or less stopped around 16. I never really knew why I stopped but I know now it was because I used to be able to look in the mirror and see a girl. As soon as my body started getting big it just embarassed me. I looked in the mirror and saw a big guy in girls clothes. I think that is what transition would feel like. I want to be a cis-girl. I don't want to be a transgender. So again, given that life wasn't so bad for me, I think that the best option is to put these feelings away again.

Like I said I was good at being a guy. There were definitely things I liked about my life that were as a result of being a guy. Being good at sports and getting the respect of others for being athletic and strong made me happy and I'd be giving that up. I liked that attention I got from girls and I liked playing that role. It never felt like I was faking anything. If I decide to put this behind me then that is the type of guy I want to be again. I don't mean macho but I like being the kind of guy that girls would be attracted to and that other guys respect. I mean that is the me that I was when I was happy.

So here is my question. What do you think my chances are? If I end up depressed and decide to transition anyway in 10 or 20 years I'm going to have so much regret. I want to avoid that so badly. I know no one can really know but me, that I need to go to therapy etc, that is not what I'm looking for here. I'm not going to base my choice on what some people say to me on the internet. So seriously, if I put a gun to your head, based on just what I've said here, what do you think  my chances are of being able to leave these feelings alone?

[kelly_aus]

It doesn't go away and it doesn't get better. Exactly what that means for you, only you will know. But have a good look around the site and you will quite few stories of people who started when young, stopped and then found themselves transitioning later. And then you get people like me, who just tried to be the best man I could be - all I'm going to say is that no one was surprised when I eventually came out and transitioned, except me.

If it were me, I'd do it now, rather then live the train wreck of a life I lived on my way here..

[Rachel]

Hi Orangejuice,

Everyone is different. For me, I put it off and hated being trans and bi. I tied to kill myself twice December 2012 when I just could not put the thoughts out of my head and I could not suppress it anymore .

I constructed a life to occupy all my time. When My Mom died late in 2011 all of what I tried to hold back came rushing in. I tried to hold it back and I failed.

I have read that as testosterone drops when we age the feelings become unstoppable. It is for me.

[ashley_thomas]

I made a deal with myself at age 12 that transitioning in 1987 was impossible so I would make the most of my life as a male.  I did. By age 36, graduated top of my undergrad class, top of my law school class, worked at an international law firm ranked in the top 15 in the US, left there, started my own firm, married the girl I wanted to, had three beautiful kids, we live on the lake, have a gorgeous house with the pool and all of that, we have all the sporting event tickets anyone wants, we travel, drive nice cars, and on and on and on and every step of the way dysphoria got harder to deal with.  I'm now 40% through my transition and have only professional transition left to do and  working on that this year.

I don't know your story but for me having it all made it worse in a lot of ways because I realized it wasn't what I wanted or what I needed. 

I hope to keep all of that which we accomplished but being good and being a male doesn't cut it for me anymore.

YMMV

[stephaniec]

never got better for me.

[orangejuice]

Mmmmm I suppose I asked for this didn't I haha thanks for the replies.

I made a deal with myself at age 12 that transitioning in 1987 was impossible so I would make the most of my life as a male.  I did. By age 36, graduated top of my undergrad class, top of my law school class, worked at an international law firm ranked in the top 15 in the US, left there, started my own firm, married the girl I wanted to, had three beautiful kids, we live on the lake, have a gorgeous house with the pool and all of that, we have all the sporting event tickets anyone wants, we travel, drive nice cars, and on and on and on and every step of the way dysphoria got harder to deal with.  I'm now 40% through my transition and have only professional transition left to do and  working on that this year.

I don't know your story but for me having it all made it worse in a lot of ways because I realized it wasn't what I wanted or what I needed. 

I hope to keep all of that which we accomplished but being good and being a male doesn't cut it for me anymore.

YMMV

Hi Ashley your story is really interesting. I know you will probably say I don't know any better, but I think if I had as successful a life as yours I would be happy. I'm 25. For the first 18 years of my life I basically had the ideal childhood. Lucky enough to go to a great school, was popular,great friends, good looking, sports captain, school captain, good grades, got into study Law at University actually-which I then unfortunately completely blew as I started to get unhappy. Massive regret. Anyway the whole time I knew I'd rather be a girl, but it didn't bother me in the slightest. I know that might sound weird, but there honestly wasn't the tiniest shred of me that was unhappy. It was only when all these things started to crumble away that I began to see the feeling of wanting to be a girl as a problem. So I don't know if I can work on sorting out other aspects of my life I think I could be happy again. It's where I'm leaning at the moment.

I also find it difficult because how do I know that there aren't people out there similar to me who have been able to leave it alone and be happy? I mean if there are they aren't going to be coming on sites like this one you know? This whole thing is just really hard to work out. But thanks again for the comments it helps.

[Carrie Liz]

Back in high school, and the first year of college, the dysphoria was so bad that I couldn't go a single day without thinking about it and without feeling bad about it.

My experience is a bit different than other people's though... it did get better for me after age 19, for a while. I had to basically decide 100% that I was going to get over it, going to pray it away, was going to devote my life to God instead, and then I fell in love for the first time in my life, in order for me to start doing better. But I did do better after that. It was a struggle the whole way, still dealing with a body I hated, a sex-drive I hated, having almost no social life, and having to fight, fight, fight, every single day just to get myself to do my homework, just to get myself out of bed, bound and determined that I was going to succeed no matter what, and was going to keep fighting to be a success and fulfill my life's Godly purpose no matter what, but I DID cope, however hard it was. And trying to pray it away, while it did NOT make the dysphoria go away, was able to change it from something that was dominating my life and making it near-unlivable in terms of stress, to at least giving me a reason to fight the dysphoric voices in my head telling me that my body was wrong and my social life was wrong, which made it more of just a persistent lingering annoyance that only somewhat interfered with my day-to-day functioning. (Mostly in ways that I didn't understand at the time until I finally went on hormones and experienced the way that my mind was actually supposed to work.)

Admittedly, though, even graduating college, having a girl that I loved enough that I was thinking of marrying her, having our own house together, getting my first full-time job in a field that I'd always wanted to be in, and having every single external reason to be happy, still did not make the dysphoria go away. And the ticking clock did indeed get worse and worse. My hair was starting to fall out, I was getting even bigger and even more male-ish, and my youthful androgynous features were disappearing more and more with every single year. And then when I finally saw videos of people my age who had transitioned, and read that HRT could only reverse 5-7 years of hair loss, I knew that it was now or never, that I could still transition now and reasonably expect to pass, but if I waited even just another few years it was going to keep getting harder and harder. It was either deal with it now or possibly be stuck between a rock and a hard place later.

Yes, I could hide it. I did hide it. And my life was by all means externally a success. But despite more or less successfully fighting it, and my dysphoria getting a bit better, I was still fighting it. Which meant that I wasn't really happy with myself, I was just coping with it. Always coping.

[Jill F]

If my dysphoria had stayed at the level it was, even five years ago, I could have got away with not transitioning and never telling another soul about it.  Then it pretty much snowballed to where it could never again be denied, ignored nor suppressed.   My dysphoria turned from a little voice in the background to a sad, angry, desperate woman screaming bloody murder 24/7.   I can't believe I did this to myself.   That sad, angry desperate woman was the real me and I almost died trying to squash her.   I can't believe that I was so afraid of being Jill.   I'm really not all that scary.  In fact, I think I'm cute and silly.  I love being me. 

I think I need to have a good cry right now.

[ashley_thomas]

Mmmmm I suppose I asked for this didn't I haha thanks for the replies.

Hi Ashley your story is really interesting. I know you will probably say I don't know any better, but I think if I had as successful a life as yours I would be happy. I'm 25. For the first 18 years of my life I basically had the ideal childhood. Lucky enough to go to a great school, was popular,great friends, good looking, sports captain, school captain, good grades, got into study Law at University actually-which I then unfortunately completely blew as I started to get unhappy. Massive regret. Anyway the whole time I knew I'd rather be a girl, but it didn't bother me in the slightest. I know that might sound weird, but there honestly wasn't the tiniest shred of me that was unhappy. It was only when all these things started to crumble away that I began to see the feeling of wanting to be a girl as a problem. So I don't know if I can work on sorting out other aspects of my life I think I could be happy again. It's where I'm leaning at the moment.

I also find it difficult because how do I know that there aren't people out there similar to me who have been able to leave it alone and be happy? I mean if there are they aren't going to be coming on sites like this one you know? This whole thing is just really hard to work out. But thanks again for the comments it helps.

OJ, I intend to keep all of that which we built and then build upon it some more. I've lost a brother and a mother and expect to lose my father but I have already gained so much more.  I expect to lose some financially but intend to land solid on my feet and to build back and then move even higher.

The point is, the drum beat of dysphoria didn't go away and I started to run out of things to accomplish

Look up the "hedonic treadmill" or "hedonic adaptation" and you'll see happiness from things like what we can achieve is fleeting, and add to that dysphoria and you can see that it's likely dysphoria will never go away.

I shuddered to think of what it would be like to grow old as a man, growing old as a woman? I can do that a number of ways.

YMMV

[orangejuice]

Back in high school, and the first year of college, the dysphoria was so bad that I couldn't go a single day without thinking about it and without feeling bad about it.

My experience is a bit different than other people's though... it did get better for me after age 19, for a while. I had to basically decide 100% that I was going to get over it, going to pray it away, was going to devote my life to God instead, and then I fell in love for the first time in my life, in order for me to start doing better. But I did do better after that. It was a struggle the whole way, still dealing with a body I hated, a sex-drive I hated, having almost no social life, and having to fight, fight, fight, every single day just to get myself to do my homework, just to get myself out of bed, bound and determined that I was going to succeed no matter what, and was going to keep fighting to be a success and fulfill my life's Godly purpose no matter what, but I DID cope, however hard it was. And trying to pray it away, while it did NOT make the dysphoria go away, was able to change it from something that was dominating my life and making it near-unlivable in terms of stress, to at least giving me a reason to fight the dysphoric voices in my head telling me that my body was wrong and my social life was wrong, which made it more of just a persistent lingering annoyance that only somewhat interfered with my day-to-day functioning. (Mostly in ways that I didn't understand at the time until I finally went on hormones and experienced the way that my mind was actually supposed to work.)

Admittedly, though, even graduating college, having a girl that I loved enough that I was thinking of marrying her, having our own house together, getting my first full-time job in a field that I'd always wanted to be in, and having every single external reason to be happy, still did not make the dysphoria go away. And the ticking clock did indeed get worse and worse. My hair was starting to fall out, I was getting even bigger and even more male-ish, and my youthful androgynous features were disappearing more and more with every single year. And then when I finally saw videos of people my age who had transitioned, and read that HRT could only reverse 5-7 years of hair loss, I knew that it was now or never, that I could still transition now and reasonably expect to pass, but if I waited even just another few years it was going to keep getting harder and harder. It was either deal with it now or possibly be stuck between a rock and a hard place later.

Yes, I could hide it. I did hide it. And my life was by all means externally a success. But despite more or less successfully fighting it, and my dysphoria getting a bit better, I was still fighting it. Which meant that I wasn't really happy with myself, I was just coping with it. Always coping.

Hi CarrieLiz.  See when I have been able to put the feeling away in the last few years or so, I haven't feel like I was struggling through anything. In fact the longer I could go without thinking about it the better I felt. But the thing is I have never been able to stop it coming back. But like I say, when I was happy with everything else in my life it didn't bother me.

That is a few times I've heard that line about HRT reversing 5-7 years of hair loss. Is that seriously true? That alone genuinely makes me want to transition. My hair started to fall out at 18. I took propecia which halted it for a few years but then stopped again. But if I could get back 5-7 years boy that would make me insanely happy. Maybe it is all part of the same thing but I genuinely wonder sometimes whether I am transgender or whether I just can't handle going bald. It makes me want to kill myself every time I look in the mirror. Seriously. Its part of what I'm saying here. If I didn't feel that way every time I looked in the mirror then I think I'd be happy, and I didn't feel that way before my hair started to fall out. But then again maybe the fact that changing my gender would be nothing other than a positive side effect of getting my hair back is telling me something.

[Carrie Liz]

Hi CarrieLiz.  See when I have been able to put the feeling away in the last few years or so, I haven't feel like I was struggling through anything. In fact the longer I could go without thinking about it the better I felt. But the thing is I have never been able to stop it coming back. But like I say, when I was happy with everything else in my life it didn't bother me.

That is a few times I've heard that line about HRT reversing 5-7 years of hair loss. Is that seriously true? That alone genuinely makes me want to transition. My hair started to fall out at 18. I took propecia which halted it for a few years but then stopped again. But if I could get back 5-7 years boy that would make me insanely happy. Maybe it is all part of the same thing but I genuinely wonder sometimes whether I am transgender or whether I just can't handle going bald. It makes me want to kill myself every time I look in the mirror. Seriously. Its part of what I'm saying here. If I didn't feel that way every time I looked in the mirror then I think I'd be happy, and I didn't feel that way before my hair started to fall out. But then again maybe the fact that changing my gender would be nothing other than a positive side effect of getting my hair back is telling me something.

Well, I talk a lot about how the defining feature of being trans isn't necessarily a desire to be rid of your own sex's problems socially and with aging, it's the desire to have the socialization or body of a different sex. Lots of guys don't want to be bald. I'm actually kind of surprised how many trans-guys on this site FLIP OUT when their hair starts falling out, and I'm just sort of chuckling to myself saying "yeah, welcome to manhood... everything that goes with it." And hell, there's lots of cis women who hate being expected to be feminine, and lots of cis guys who hate being expected to be masculine. But that doesn't mean they're not men or women, it just means that, like millions of other people, they HATE going bald, or hate the social restrictions placed on their gender and want more social freedom. There's a reason why Hair Club, Propecia, Rogaine, and all of those hair-transplant surgeons exists in the first place. But these guys do NOT want to be women, and these women do NOT want to be men. They just want to be guys with more hair, or guys doing feminine things, or women who can be respected more socially.

No, the defining official medical definition of being trans is actually the following: "A marked incongruence between one's experienced/expressed gender, and assigned gender... of at least 6 months duration." Which basically means that you feel like the gender that you were assigned at birth is incongruent with the gender that you feel like you should be. And there are 6 "indicators." Generally someone needs at least two of them, again, of at least 6 months duration, to be medically diagnosed as trans.

"1. Incongruence between one's experienced/expressed gender, and one's actual primary/secondary sexual characteristics. (Basically feeling bad about having male muscles, or a penis, or a blocky frame, or breasts and hips in FtMs, other things of that nature.)

2. A strong desire to be rid of one's primary/secondary sexual characteristics due to this incongruence. (Or in young adolescents a desire to prevent the development of anticipated secondary sexual characteristics.)

3. A strong desire for the primary/secondary sexual characteristics of the other gender.

4. A strong desire to be the other gender. (Or some alternative gender different from one's assigned gender.)

5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender. (Or some alternative gender different from one's assigned gender.)

6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender. (Or some alternative gender different from one's assigned gender.)"



The persistence of it is key. All of these are "of at least 6 months duration." For most of us, gender dysphoria, our feelings of "wrongness," and our feelings that we should be the opposite sex, are something that never fully went away no matter how much we tried to fight them. Generally if it's something that keeps bothering you month after month, year after year, and you constantly have to actively repress it in order to not think about it, you probably have gender dysphoria. If it's something that only comes around once in a while, and it's fun to think about for that short time but then the thoughts fade again and you go back to being happy as a guy, are more or less totally fine with it, and it's another few months before you maybe start thinking about it again, the person is a bit less likely to be classically gender-dysphoric.

And with the hair loss thing, the question is, would you be comfortable being male if men didn't have to lose their hair, or could grow long feminine hair? Because, well, there are a ton of ways to not lose your hair despite having male hormones in you. Hair loss is completely because of a hormone called Dihydrotestosterone, or DHT. The reason why trans* people generally regrow some hair is because HRT knocks our T levels down to almost nothing, and no T means no DHT either. But you don't have to be on HRT in order to do that. In fact, that's exactly how Propecia works, is by preventing the conversion of T into DHT. Dutasteride does the same thing.

Same thing with socialization. One of the reasons why I was pretty sure about transition was because there was a point where I thought to myself "you know what? Why am I attributing these feminine things to being female? Why am I keeping myself from shaving my legs? Why am I keeping myself from wearing "softer" looking clothes? Why am I letting being male stop me from insisting that people treat me warmly and openly instead of as a threat? That's society speaking. I can still do those things as a guy! Who says I need to transition in order to do them?" And I did do them as a guy... and it still wasn't enough. I quickly realized that no amount of social freedom could make me happy with having a male body. I wanted the smooth skin, I wanted the reduced slender musculature, I wanted my body hair GONE, I wanted curves, I wanted the softer features, and I was still uncomfortable with the male sex-drive and male-hormone-fueled emotions. And so I knew I had to transition.

Just some thought experiments to consider.

[AnonyMs]

Hi orangejuice,

for me it's very true.

I had a few issues when I was younger, but not sufficiently strong that I ever made the connection to being transgender. I only realized when I was in my 40's and it started getting much stronger. I was ok on low dose estrogen for some years after that, but it didn't last. It just kept getting worse and worse until I couldn't take it anymore, and now I'm on full HRT. I'm ok again, for the moment. Not planning on socially transitioning though. Not really planning too much at all. Planning to stop it, for me at least, has been an utterly futile and awful experience.

I've no idea how my experience relates to anyone else of course, but I had all that and you sound like you've got it much worse that I ever did when I was younger.

I don't think it matters what else you have in your life either, no matter how successful you are. Its not something that anything else in your life counterbalances. It didn't help me stop feeling like this, and perhaps in some ways the more you have to lose the more it makes you reluctant to risk it all and go forward.

I didn't start with an anti-androgen so I don't know what effect that has, but perhaps you should try estrogen. You might suddenly realize what your missing. I so much wish I'd known earlier.

[orangejuice]

Hi orangejuice,

for me it's very true.

I had a few issues when I was younger, but not sufficiently strong that I ever made the connection to being transgender. I only realized when I was in my 40's and it started getting much stronger. I was ok on low dose estrogen for some years after that, but it didn't last. It just kept getting worse and worse until I couldn't take it anymore, and now I'm on full HRT. I'm ok again, for the moment. Not planning on socially transitioning though. Not really planning too much at all. Planning to stop it, for me at least, has been an utterly futile and awful experience.

I've no idea how my experience relates to anyone else of course, but I had all that and you sound like you've got it much worse that I ever did when I was younger.

I don't think it matters what else you have in your life either, no matter how successful you are. Its not something that anything else in your life counterbalances. It didn't help me stop feeling like this, and perhaps in some ways the more you have to lose the more it makes you reluctant to risk it all and go forward.

I didn't start with an anti-androgen so I don't know what effect that has, but perhaps you should try estrogen. You might suddenly realize what your missing. I so much wish I'd known earlier.

Hi AnonyMs. Ye I'm basically flipping between thinking I need to try low dose HRT and that I need to forget about it on an almost hourly basis at the moment. I mean I'll just say it. I'm unquestionably transgender. I want to be a girl so badly. The reasons I think I might be happier leaving it alone don't cone from me. They come from everyone else. They come from my parents, my sisters, my friends, the way people would look at me when I walked down the street. They come from my own shame that society has taught me  and which I can't rid myself of no matter how hard I try. They come from all the people who have known me as the guy I was and the way I'll be seen as a result. There is a reasonable enough chance that I could not pass to the extent that I'd forever draw stares walking down the street. I don't want that life.

Can I ask how noticeable it was physically for you on low dose HRT? That is the only other potential option for me. I might actually not pass so much that it could be a blessing. I mean I'd happily take all the effects of HRT without breasts. Then I could just live a normal life presenting as a guy. But sadly even that seems unlikely.

[Cin]

It does get worse with age for me, but I'm only 23 now.

As I start feeling and looking more male, I feel more uncomfortable about it, 'uncomfortable' doesn't even begin to describe how I feel, but I'm gonna go with it. I also think the realization that I might be trans has put my mind at ease somewhat since I no longer feel like there is something wrong with me, but has also increased my dysphoria. I do have thin hair at the moment (not going bald or anything), fixing my hair would make me feel a little better, but my issue with my body is a lot more than just hair. The problem in my case, is that I'm not really 'growing up' or I don't want to, when I try to think about my future, I don't see anything.... it's hard for me to explain. I never wanted any of this, I just want to feel 'OK', at the moment I don't, I don't know why I feel this way either, I'm a skeptic through and through, I qestion everything, but the feeling just won't go away, and it's so tiring. It's just ridiculous., sometimes.

I'm not on HRT, so I don't really know, but from what I've heard, low dose HRT can make you grow breasts, I'm not sure if you can just choose what kind of 'changes' you want with the body. (but that'd be great too).

[orangejuice]

It does get worse with age for me, but I'm only 23 now.

As I start feeling and looking more male, I feel more uncomfortable about it, 'uncomfortable' doesn't even begin to describe how I feel, but I'm gonna go with it. I also think the realization that I might be trans has put my mind at ease somewhat since I no longer feel like there is something wrong with me, but has also increased my dysphoria. I do have thin hair at the moment (not going bald or anything), fixing my hair would make me feel a little better, but my issue with my body is a lot more than just hair. The problem in my case, is that I'm not really 'growing up' or I don't want to, when I try to think about my future, I don't see anything.... it's hard for me to explain. I never wanted any of this, I just want to feel 'OK', at the moment I don't, I don't know why I feel this way either, I'm a skeptic through and through, I qestion everything, but the feeling just won't go away, and it's so tiring. It's just ridiculous., sometimes.

I'm not on HRT, so I don't really know, but from what I've heard, low dose HRT can make you grow breasts, I'm not sure if you can just choose what kind of 'changes' you want with the body. (but that'd be great too).

Hi Cin, what you find hard to explain sounds so familiar to me. What you said describes me exactly since I was 18. The first feeling I had that made me know something was so wrong, was when everyone was growing up, leaving school, going to college etc and generally finding themselves as adults, I didn't want any of it. The amount of times I've said those exact words, about looking into the future and not seeing anything.

Ye you can't pick and choose. Wish you could.

[Cindy]

I was in one of the best places for being trans*, my wife knew and was OK with me dressing as soon as I came home from work, go on holidays as sisters.

I'm also successful career wise, I was terrified of losing the lot so I was content to just keep going on as Cindy behind the curtain.

But Cindy behind the curtain was being sustained by alcohol abuse so that she would forget that she had to cross dress the next day to go to work. Cindy behind the curtain was a pretty miserable selfish bitch who saw her existence as more important than anyone elses.

And then it got too much and .... I got rid of the curtain, I live a happy, very full, sober, life with friends and family.

Only one regret. Why didn't I do this when I was a kid?

[orangejuice]

Well, I talk a lot about how the defining feature of being trans isn't necessarily a desire to be rid of your own sex's problems socially and with aging, it's the desire to have the socialization or body of a different sex. Lots of guys don't want to be bald. I'm actually kind of surprised how many trans-guys on this site FLIP OUT when their hair starts falling out, and I'm just sort of chuckling to myself saying "yeah, welcome to manhood... everything that goes with it." And hell, there's lots of cis women who hate being expected to be feminine, and lots of cis guys who hate being expected to be masculine. But that doesn't mean they're not men or women, it just means that, like millions of other people, they HATE going bald, or hate the social restrictions placed on their gender and want more social freedom. There's a reason why Hair Club, Propecia, Rogaine, and all of those hair-transplant surgeons exists in the first place. But these guys do NOT want to be women, and these women do NOT want to be men. They just want to be guys with more hair, or guys doing feminine things, or women who can be respected more socially.

No, the defining official medical definition of being trans is actually the following: "A marked incongruence between one's experienced/expressed gender, and assigned gender... of at least 6 months duration." Which basically means that you feel like the gender that you were assigned at birth is incongruent with the gender that you feel like you should be. And there are 6 "indicators." Generally someone needs at least two of them, again, of at least 6 months duration, to be medically diagnosed as trans.

"1. Incongruence between one's experienced/expressed gender, and one's actual primary/secondary sexual characteristics. (Basically feeling bad about having male muscles, or a penis, or a blocky frame, or breasts and hips in FtMs, other things of that nature.)

2. A strong desire to be rid of one's primary/secondary sexual characteristics due to this incongruence. (Or in young adolescents a desire to prevent the development of anticipated secondary sexual characteristics.)

3. A strong desire for the primary/secondary sexual characteristics of the other gender.

4. A strong desire to be the other gender. (Or some alternative gender different from one's assigned gender.)

5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender. (Or some alternative gender different from one's assigned gender.)

6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender. (Or some alternative gender different from one's assigned gender.)"



The persistence of it is key. All of these are "of at least 6 months duration." For most of us, gender dysphoria, our feelings of "wrongness," and our feelings that we should be the opposite sex, are something that never fully went away no matter how much we tried to fight them. Generally if it's something that keeps bothering you month after month, year after year, and you constantly have to actively repress it in order to not think about it, you probably have gender dysphoria. If it's something that only comes around once in a while, and it's fun to think about for that short time but then the thoughts fade again and you go back to being happy as a guy, are more or less totally fine with it, and it's another few months before you maybe start thinking about it again, the person is a bit less likely to be classically gender-dysphoric.

And with the hair loss thing, the question is, would you be comfortable being male if men didn't have to lose their hair, or could grow long feminine hair? Because, well, there are a ton of ways to not lose your hair despite having male hormones in you. Hair loss is completely because of a hormone called Dihydrotestosterone, or DHT. The reason why trans* people generally regrow some hair is because HRT knocks our T levels down to almost nothing, and no T means no DHT either. But you don't have to be on HRT in order to do that. In fact, that's exactly how Propecia works, is by preventing the conversion of T into DHT. Dutasteride does the same thing.

Same thing with socialization. One of the reasons why I was pretty sure about transition was because there was a point where I thought to myself "you know what? Why am I attributing these feminine things to being female? Why am I keeping myself from shaving my legs? Why am I keeping myself from wearing "softer" looking clothes? Why am I letting being male stop me from insisting that people treat me warmly and openly instead of as a threat? That's society speaking. I can still do those things as a guy! Who says I need to transition in order to do them?" And I did do them as a guy... and it still wasn't enough. I quickly realized that no amount of social freedom could make me happy with having a male body. I wanted the smooth skin, I wanted the reduced slender musculature, I wanted my body hair GONE, I wanted curves, I wanted the softer features, and I was still uncomfortable with the male sex-drive and male-hormone-fueled emotions. And so I knew I had to transition.

Just some thought experiments to consider.

Ye 3,4,5 and 6 I have big time. It does confuse me a little that I don't have 1 or 2 really but whatever, everyone is different and I don't think there's one way you experience this stuff. I'm now absolutely certain I'm transgender. There are memories there from as early as 3 or 4 which is pretty much the deal breaker. That wasn't really what I was questioning but thanks for the info, interesting stuff. It's just I've been given this feeling that has always been there, but literally every other circumstance of my life has lead me to be a fairly successful guy. As a result there is so much to put on the 'cons' list for transitioning. Internally and externally.

[ChrissyChips]

Well I have to chime in with another 'No, it doesn't go away, it gets worse'.
I think you really have to sit and think babe.  Drift off into fantasy land in your head and imagine living your future life as a female, how does that make you feel? Then imagine that same fantasy future as a man.

I don't believe everyone has to reach a 'do or die' stage of dysphoria to decide to transition. It can be based simply on what you would prefer, as long as you are aware of the possible consequences of course, and are prepared to accept them.
But I really wouldn't advise basing your decision on some vague hope that it may all go away with time, I think there are enough posts on here to disabuse you of that notion

[AnonyMs]

Hi orangejuice,

so physically there's been a number of changes, but I've managed to hide it all quite successfully.

My face looks noticeably different, and actually pretty odd in the early days, but I keep a short stubble and that hides it perfectly. There's a special shaver for stubble. I've not seen my face clean shaven in years now.

My breasts got to perhaps B on low dose, and a fair bit bigger now. I can still hide no problem, but due to my circumstances I'm free to dress however I like and don't need to meet people much, so that makes it a lot easier. My personal situation is quite unusual, and it depends what genetics gifts you with of course.

Body shape has changed, but the right (crappy looking baggy) clothes can hide that.

You might want to bear in mind that if you start estrogen it may not be the physical changes that will be causing you problems. I found the mental changes are huge, far bigger than physical ones. Its good in a way, since you'll probably know what you want or need to do at that point, and won't be questioning anymore. I started and stopped HRT a few times in the early days - whatever starting estrogen does, stopping really clarifies things. I'm not doing that ever again.

I'm not in a very good situation with all this, and I don't think stopping where I am is good for me, but its a trade off with some other things. Its not ideal no matter what I do, and I'd not really recommend this path. It's useful perhaps when you're trying to work out where its all going, but long term I think it sucks. Younger really would have been so much better.

If its just other peoples stopping you all I can say is they have no idea what they are talking about, and they are not going to pay the price of being wrong about this either way it turns out.

Regarding passing, obviously I've not even attempted to, but I've seen endless YouTube video's of people transitioning and its quite amazing what people achieve. There's got to be hundreds of Youtube channels on this, and I think I've seen most of them. I can't imagine passing either, but I've seen enough to be confident I could eventually, and I can afford surgery if it comes to that.

From what you say I suspect that even if you stop now, you'll just end up in the same position later, only everything will be so much harder. At some point there's no choice, and its fear that pushes many of us right up to that boundary.

[Ms Grace]

I tried to transition when I was 23. I was on HRT for two years before deciding "it was never going to work" and stopping. Despite the fact I felt distraught about not being able to live my life as a woman I was able to bury those feelings underneath distraction and personal projects and general busy-ness. Other people might use drugs, alcohol and other things - anything to help forget and not feel the pain. I tried for so long to keep all that pushed down - I am a writer and artist and was able to use that to shunt my feelings off into some parallel world where I could live my female life through female characters and fantasy. I think I coped in the real world by presuming I was a woman and that as long as I didn't act like a man, even though I outwardly looked and presented as male I would still be accepted as female. That of course was just a delusion. I hadn't realised I was in a slowly descending spiral of depression and denial - my cleverly but unconsciously crafted make believe world crashed up hard against reality one day and quickly imploded. Then I just realised how deeply and desperately miserable I truly was and that the solution, predictably, was exactly the same as it had been back when I detransitioned 20 years earlier.

The thing to remember is that transition is not a magic fix all - if you have other problems and issues in life the only thing transition will resolve if you are trans is that you will be able to live as the gender you identify as. It will help with a lot of the dysphoria but it won't instantly make your life or your emotions better. Finding out how to do that is part of the journey of transition.