Some MORE drama!

[heavymetalkaiju]

So I decided to ask my mom her thoughts about me taking T.

Some backstory- I've been dealing with Bipolar disorder for quite some time, and only about a month ago had I started medications. I feel good. Feel better than I have. At first I was going to wait to start T, but I saw a doctor and he said now would actually be the BEST time, as a half-dose might help even more. So I went from wanting to wait to wanting to start now again, simply because I shouldn't have to wait any longer.

So I asked her what she thought (bad idea in hindsight, but hindsight's 20/20) about me starting, being given this new information, and that I feel better than ever now that I've started the meds. And she said to me that she can't understand why I'd WANT to change my body, that my body doesn't define me, and that I might not be happy after transitioning. My dad insists it's a phase, a few of my friends are singing the same song, but my therapist, my doctors...they all agree I'm ready to start.
What do I say to my Mom? I want to keep her in my life, but she's admitted to homophobia, and she obviously is transphobic too. Since I'll be gay after transitioning, it's a double whammy (I hate that word...), and I'm "Making a decision with an unstable mindset".
Do YOU guys think it's too soon after starting my meds? What sort of thing should I tell her? All I told her was that I know for certain I'm a dude, and that if T proves too much to handle, I'll step off, but I want to give it a try, and just asserting that I've never been happier when I'm Noah, instead of Amber.

Any advice? I'm lost.

[AbeLane]

Hey Noah -

I would say that if your doctor/therapist people say you're ready and you feel you're ready then you are. I'm sure you've been told this but I know T does sometimes give people mood swings (I'm thinking this might be more of an issue if you're bipolar) so I would just be sure to remain open and honest with your doctor/therapist.

As for your mom, I don't know what your situation is, but if you live on your own (or are an adult at least) I would say that it's not up to her. Your doctors are a better judge of the stable=ness of your mind than she is. And she might just be looking for an excuse to talk you out of it. If you're going to be happier on T (and it sounds like you have a good chance of that) then hopefully she'll see that and come around.

Hope this helps.

[heavymetalkaiju]

Hey Noah -

I would say that if your doctor/therapist people say you're ready and you feel you're ready then you are. I'm sure you've been told this but I know T does sometimes give people mood swings (I'm thinking this might be more of an issue if you're bipolar) so I would just be sure to remain open and honest with your doctor/therapist.

As for your mom, I don't know what your situation is, but if you live on your own (or are an adult at least) I would say that it's not up to her. Your doctors are a better judge of the stable=ness of your mind than she is. And she might just be looking for an excuse to talk you out of it. If you're going to be happier on T (and it sounds like you have a good chance of that) then hopefully she'll see that and come around.

Hope this helps.

Yeah, I've been told the whole shebang. Did some researching myself, as well. I'm aware of the complications, but even knowing this, my doctor wouldn't have suggested starting ASAP if he thought it'd be an issue.

I'm hoping this'll bring my mom around. I don't live with her, I'm 23 years old and perfectly capable of taking care of myself now. I just worry I'll start looking like an actual man, and have her refuse to refer me as such. Luckily I don't see her too often...she has a tendency to think she knows everything, and that she knows me better than I do. Which is a COMPLETE UNTRUTH.

Thanks for the advice though. Anything helps, it's super bothering me.

[AbeLane]

I figured you'd be well informed. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder before (i'm not convinced that's what i have and i've had other diagnoses thrown at me). One of the reason I'm hesitant to bring up the issue of T with anyone (besides the fact that I'm still in the closet) is that I'm afraid a doctor will shoot me down saying T will mess up my brain. So I'm glad there are some doctors out there who support the idea.

I have a mom who does that to. Thinks she knows everything and convinces people that I am innocent/naive child (i'm 28). It took me moving 4 states away to really get to a place where I felt I could live my life. Hopefully you won't have to do that.

But yeah, I'd go with your gut. Trust yourself. Trust your doctors. And if you're mom can't accept that, then maybe she needs time, or maybe she needs here eyes opened. Either way, it shouldn't stop you.

[heavymetalkaiju]

I figured you'd be well informed. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder before (i'm not convinced that's what i have and i've had other diagnoses thrown at me). One of the reason I'm hesitant to bring up the issue of T with anyone (besides the fact that I'm still in the closet) is that I'm afraid a doctor will shoot me down saying T will mess up my brain. So I'm glad there are some doctors out there who support the idea.

I have a mom who does that to. Thinks she knows everything and convinces people that I am innocent/naive child (i'm 28). It took me moving 4 states away to really get to a place where I felt I could live my life. Hopefully you won't have to do that.

But yeah, I'd go with your gut. Trust yourself. Trust your doctors. And if you're mom can't accept that, then maybe she needs time, or maybe she needs here eyes opened. Either way, it shouldn't stop you.

Mothers and their constant "I know more than you do"-ness.

I tend to think that giving them time means I have to put all my stuff on hold for them. But that really isn't the case, is it?

As for having Bipolar Disorder and starting T, my doctor assured me that I'd be on a half-dose, and that doing the gel would be the best idea, since I'd be doing that every day, instead of tri- or bi-weekly. It's this whole methodical thing, hard to explain really.
I trust any doctor over trusting my mom on this sort of thing, not only is she not a professional, she's super cynical and jaded. She's literally the most negative person.

So why am I getting hung up on her opinions then? I'm a silly, silly boy...

[adrian]

Hey,

I don't have much advice, but I agree that if your therapist(s) suggest now is a good time to start t and you trust them, I would consider it despite what your mother says.

To be fair, you asked her opinion, and she told you (uninformed as it is). But you're not obligated to let this influence your decision. You heard her out, weighed what she said, but the decision is yours to make.

[heavymetalkaiju]

I will admit to that much. I DID ask her opinion. But I told her I wanted to explain my side of the story, I'm just not so sure how to do that to someone who is uneducated. I'm by no means blaming her or saying she's going to disown me- she debunked that right away by saying she desperately wants to understand, she just can't.

I was prepared for a ->-bleeped-<- storm, lol.

[adrian]

I will admit to that much. I DID ask her opinion. But I told her I wanted to explain my side of the story, I'm just not so sure how to do that to someone who is uneducated. I'm by no means blaming her or saying she's going to disown me- she debunked that right away by saying she desperately wants to understand, she just can't.

I was prepared for a ->-bleeped-<- storm, lol.

I think even for a cis person willing to educate themselves (or let themselves be educated) it's probably impossible to understand what it feels like, and that it isn't about accepting your body as it is. And it's really hard to find examples and explanations that allow others to understand. I mean even *I* struggle with the fact that I have such a strong desire to change my body -- but I still  feel I have to to find some peace of mind.

Maybe she just needs some time and will come around.

A transguy I know was telling me how after six months or so on t he was passing 100% but his dad was still referring to him with female pronouns. They went to a store together and everyone in there looked at him (the father) as if he were a nutcase (they couldn't understand why he was referring to his son as "her"). Lol. Even he uses male pronouns now. There's hope!

[heavymetalkaiju]

I know it will probably work out. I just had high expectations I guess, figuring I would be met with open arms and 100% acceptance. Even if I said I knew not everyone would understand, I still had that blind hope. I set myself up for disappointment.

I just need to learn to accept it, says my therapist. Accept the fact that it's not going to go the way I planned. I have control issues I guess, feel that everything HAS to go as planned or it's a complete failure. I just need to literally chill out, haha.

[adrian]

Man, I can relate to this very much! I'm basically going through a similar thing with my husband.

I hope things turn out as planned in the end, even if there's a bit of a detour

[heavymetalkaiju]

Hope it works out for you, too. Life never throws more than you can handle at you!

[ThatAussieDude]

Go with what you feel, and if your team of doctors say you are ready, even better. Sometimes its better that some people don't know, but you only did what you felt needed to be done and I assume you were only trying to show her that you respect her and would like to see her in your life long term. Sorry the outcome wasn't so great, but at least you did what you thought was right.

I also have bipolar, among many other mental illnesses. I choose not to take meds because nothing I have tried worked for me and just gave me a bunch of intolerable side effects that have had long term influences on me even after years of being med free. I can tell you, in my experience, injections made my mental illnesses worse (maybe if weekly shots were possible, the story would be different, but it isn't where I live). I wish I had of known that before beginning. Injections didn't help my dysphoria anyways cause my levels were never good on them. I tried 2 kinds, now I just started patches this week. If they don't work I'll have to try another transdermal route. I'm hoping that the daily application doesn't have such an awful impact on my mood(s) because of less hormonal fluctuations. I'm about 15 months on T and I have a non specified (by DSM 5 criteria) type of bipolar, social anxiety disorder, PTSD, autistic spectrum disorder, a learning disorder and borderline personality disorder (that effects my functioning and overall mental health the most). Sorry about my long reply. I hope things works out for you!

[Bran]

Well, if your docs and your therapist aren't worried about your bipolar disorder, and you're feeling like it's OK, then your mom's opinion is the outlier, the least informed, and the most likely to be wrong

Bipolar disorder (or schizophrenia, or borderline personality, or anything) only matters for transition if you're too sick to make an informed, logical decision.  If your mood is stable, you're able to make good decisions, and you just happen to be a trans person with bipolar disorder, that's no reason not to start hormones.  You're more likely to get better than worse. 

Your mom only gets a vote if you let her.  And you're allowed to do this, and ask her not to talk to you about it.  You can set the terms of your relationship with her, if you even want one.  But, it still stinks to have this kind of conversation with your parents.

[Bimmer Guy]

Well, if your docs and your therapist aren't worried about your bipolar disorder, and you're feeling like it's OK, then your mom's opinion is the outlier, the least informed, and the most likely to be wrong

Bipolar disorder (or schizophrenia, or borderline personality, or anything) only matters for transition if you're too sick to make an informed, logical decision.  If your mood is stable, you're able to make good decisions, and you just happen to be a trans person with bipolar disorder, that's no reason not to start hormones.  You're more likely to get better than worse. 

Your mom only gets a vote if you let her.  And you're allowed to do this, and ask her not to talk to you about it.  You can set the terms of your relationship with her, if you even want one.  But, it still stinks to have this kind of conversation with your parents.

heavymetal,

I agree with what Bran said above, along with the others.  The only question I have is if one of the "doctors" that says it is ok to go on T includes your psychiatrist/med provider who is treating the Bipolar disorder.  Meaning, it is not your primary care physician and your therapist saying it, but the doc who is giving you the meds for Bipolar.  That is the person who would hold the biggest weight for me when it came to the issue around Bipolar (especially since they just started you on new meds), and if I should start T yet, or not.

I know what you mean about moms.  It has been hard for me for both my mother and sister to not accept me transitioning.  It is not what I expected.

[aleon515]

It sounds like your doctor has a sensible beginning plan. I'm at an age where my parents are now deceased but at some point I had to decide that they didnt' get a vote on my life.
It's actually possible that T can make your moods more stable, esp taking the gel where you are getting T daily. I'm not bipolar, but I was very moody and I gotta say I'm now the model of stable (boring) moods.
Good luck, now. Vote your parents off the island. Okay that's maybe too harsh.

--Jay

[heavymetalkaiju]

Go with what you feel, and if your team of doctors say you are ready, even better. Sometimes its better that some people don't know, but you only did what you felt needed to be done and I assume you were only trying to show her that you respect her and would like to see her in your life long term. Sorry the outcome wasn't so great, but at least you did what you thought was right.

I also have bipolar, among many other mental illnesses. I choose not to take meds because nothing I have tried worked for me and just gave me a bunch of intolerable side effects that have had long term influences on me even after years of being med free. I can tell you, in my experience, injections made my mental illnesses worse (maybe if weekly shots were possible, the story would be different, but it isn't where I live). I wish I had of known that before beginning. Injections didn't help my dysphoria anyways cause my levels were never good on them. I tried 2 kinds, now I just started patches this week. If they don't work I'll have to try another transdermal route. I'm hoping that the daily application doesn't have such an awful impact on my mood(s) because of less hormonal fluctuations. I'm about 15 months on T and I have a non specified (by DSM 5 criteria) type of bipolar, social anxiety disorder, PTSD, autistic spectrum disorder, a learning disorder and borderline personality disorder (that effects my functioning and overall mental health the most). Sorry about my long reply. I hope things works out for you!

Interesting, because I also have an autism spectrum disorder. These meds have been working amazingly, for me, I'm sorry you could never find anything that helps.

As far as everyone else, it seems the general consensus is that I shouldn't care. Works for me.
The doctor prescribing the meds and treating the bipolar disorder is the one who also said I'm good to go whenever I want to start hormones. I'm meeting with her this Monday anyways to talk about other things, so we'll have a good talk then.

I'm too worried about having the approval of everyone who ISN'T transgender or a medical professional. I need to learn to stick up for myself and assert my own ideals against others, lol. Thanks everyone for your input, it's been a bumpy ride. But every passing day since I had this talk, I gain more and more resolve to start Hormones. Maybe even more because my mom doesn't WANT to. Maybe she'll take me seriously then.

[Bimmer Guy]

The doctor prescribing the meds and treating the bipolar disorder is the one who also said I'm good to go whenever I want to start hormones. I'm meeting with her this Monday anyways to talk about other things, so we'll have a good talk then.

Well, her opinion is the only one I would worry about when the question is if you should start T with your current mental status and with your current medications.  No one else in your life can give an educated opinion.

heavymetal, you also mentioned as having been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum.  I read in an academic journal that about 1% of U.S. transgender people have been diagnosed as having some form of autism.  That is interesting since less than 1% of the entire U.S. population has an autism diagnosis.  You will find that it is not that unusual here to read a trans* person say they have been diagnosed with autism (spectrum).

This has become a significant focus of research in trans* studies.  I printed out a couple more journal articles, but haven't gotten to them yet.

[Gothic Dandy]

If it makes you feel any better, all of that stuff sounds like the same crap my husband has said, or something some other transphobe has said to another trans person (that they then ranted about online).

As for the autism spectrum thing, I've heard anectodally that a common trait of females on the spectrum is that they feel at least partially male. I think I might be on the spectrum because I meet so much of the criteria and have had similar childhood experiences as others who have been diagnosed. I tried getting evaluated myself, but the therapist compared me to a short checklist in a book and was like "lol you don't have this thing," so I haven't wanted to try again. I got the same reaction from a completely different therapist when I told him I thought I was transgender...

[Jason C]

Honestly, if your doctor thinks it's a good idea, and you think so, go for it. You're an adult and you don't live or depend on your mother, so it sounds totally fine for you to start HRT. I mean, I know you said she's homophobic/transphobic, but there are a lot of people who are, but make exceptions for their children, you know? Like, it's their child, so although they disagree, they end up coming around and accepting them with time because they don't really have a choice. I think most parents, even ones that aren't particularly open-minded, would rather accept their child as transgender (even just to an extent), than lose them forever. Obviously I know this isn't the case 100% of the time, but just from what you've said, it sounds like your mother's issue isn't strictly that you're transgender, but more that she 'knows best' and doesn't want you to make a mistake. You know, typical parent stuff.

If you want to tell her anything else, just keep it simple and stand your ground, I guess. You asked for her opinion, but you know yourself better than anyone. Tell her you love her and you appreciate her concern/worries, but that you feel great on this path, and your doctor thinks it's good, too, so it's something you've chosen to do. But also say that you do want her to continue being in your life and you'd appreciate her support and acceptance while you live your own life and make your own choices.

That's what I'd do, anyway

[heavymetalkaiju]

Honestly, if your doctor thinks it's a good idea, and you think so, go for it. You're an adult and you don't live or depend on your mother, so it sounds totally fine for you to start HRT. I mean, I know you said she's homophobic/transphobic, but there are a lot of people who are, but make exceptions for their children, you know? Like, it's their child, so although they disagree, they end up coming around and accepting them with time because they don't really have a choice. I think most parents, even ones that aren't particularly open-minded, would rather accept their child as transgender (even just to an extent), than lose them forever. Obviously I know this isn't the case 100% of the time, but just from what you've said, it sounds like your mother's issue isn't strictly that you're transgender, but more that she 'knows best' and doesn't want you to make a mistake. You know, typical parent stuff.

If you want to tell her anything else, just keep it simple and stand your ground, I guess. You asked for her opinion, but you know yourself better than anyone. Tell her you love her and you appreciate her concern/worries, but that you feel great on this path, and your doctor thinks it's good, too, so it's something you've chosen to do. But also say that you do want her to continue being in your life and you'd appreciate her support and acceptance while you live your own life and make your own choices.

That's what I'd do, anyway

Some very sound advice here.

I obviously need to work on not being so dependent I guess. But it's not gonna go the way I wanted it to, obviously. It'll take time for her to open up to using the right pronouns, I guess I just gotta do what I wanna do.

I did make sure to tell her that I appreciated her input and that I'm quite confident in the path I'm taking. I guess that's all I can really say at this point anyways...

Thank you for YOUR input as well.