Quote from: MelanieH74 on January 07, 2015, 05:50:15 PM
Alex, all this is sad, but the really sad part are my sons who have to bear this too.
What you owe your children is
not your continued suffering, but instead to be a
strong, courageous parent that
demonstrates self-respect and resolve. A child gets their strength from learning by their parents' examples. Remember: if you do not value or respect yourself, how do you expect them to value, respect, and cherish you. As my mother told me, "get off the cross, other people need the wood!". Even worse, if you do not stand up for yourself, you teach them to endure the same tortures as yourself - or even worse, they can learn to be torturers of the people they love. Do not let that happen to them - and their fate rests on your resolve. You must find your inner strength, because
no matter the course of events,
you will be suffering.
As to your marriage. I do not know what to say. Whether it endures or ends, there will still be a battle and you will be fighting it in the most unconventional of ways. It may not be over (unless you want it to be) and forgiveness has strengthened even the most brittle of bonds. Ultimately it may lead to a redefinition of friendship, an ultimate termination of any relationship, or a marriage that has been reborne out of a fiery crucible of pain into a new found glory.
Regardless of which, you may want to adopt a Fabian strategy in dealing with your wife. She is looking for a fight -
don't give it to her. She may want to burn all the vestiges of your marriage in her mind so she can move on with a clean slate - she is hoping for a clean to start, don't help her with it. If she is lawyering up, which she is likely already doing, you may wish to do so as well. i recommend it, but make certain it is she that does the bleeding to end this. Don't make it easy for her, if you don't like the terms offered to you - don't take them. A contested divorce always costs more, and her mom may be willing to pay a filing fee and initial fee
might reconsider her support -
if the costs grow too high. If you are married, she cannot evict you from your home. Don't let her make you leave. Even if you have to sleep on a sofa, your claim as primary caregiver is stronger if you are still there. Nothing is done until you sign on that line, and alot can change as time goes by.
Now a disclaimer: One - I am not a lawyer. Two - My limited knowledge is based on US law, particularly in Texas. Three - My position is biased. I stopped transitioning to save my marriage. My wife and I were separated for 7 months. We are on the 'let's try to understand my dysphoria better and please give (my wife) more time plan'. I accept that I may never transition, and I will be the first to tell you, the pain does not go away if you ignore it. But it seems as more time goes by, the possibility of her accepting transition increases. As a result, it could be fairly argued that I am pro-marriage to the point of absurdity.
Ultimately, divorce may be your only option, but if it is the plan you are committed to - don't have a scorched earth policy with your potential ex. Your children will always look upon her as their mother and you don't need to put them in a position where they may want to hate her... or you. Read Sun Tzu, Machiavelli, and Gandhi - you will be borrowing cups of advice from their vessels of wisdom quite a bit, just be judicious on which one you choose, at each time. Okay?
