Warning - possibly triggering - The Ugly Return of Diurnal Depression

[Ally_B]

This came totally out of the blue. I just woke up and feel incredibly miserable.... No real reason either.... Ever since beginning transition and starting to come out to people, I've been a happier person.... I've loved watching myself change from a hideous abstraction of humanity into something that is closer to the girl I always was in my mind's eye.

I've also had a perfect success rate w/ the people I've come out to. Every single person has been great to me and feel incredibly lucky..... And yet here I am fighting off irrational tears and the darkest thoughts that have popped into my head in a long time no I just don't understand it.

It's like one part of my brain is normal, and trying to say "Calm down, Ally. Things are pretty great at the moment and everything is gradually shifting in the direction you want. There's no reason to be so sad".....

But the other part of my brain seems to be screaming "You're miserable because you should be. Things aren't going well at all, you're just in denial and too much of a loony to get it. You're on disability because yr screwed in the head. People aren't accepting you, they're just afraid that you'll go 'Silence of the Lambs' on them if they don't act nice to you. You don't pass, you never will. You're a lazy, crazy MAN who is just marking their days on the Island of Broken toys until that day comes when you finally top yrself, so why don't you go and have another cookie, you fat turd."

I think I'm going to go for a cry, and then try to figure out some way to shut the bad part up..... I've actually only written the less awful stuff here. After hating myself for such a long time, I've become very, very good at being mean to me. T_T

[Ms Grace]

Hugs Ally. Hopefully this is just a short term thing. If you have been feeling happy and good about yourself and your progress then this is likely a bit of a bounce triggered by something that you may not even be that conscious of. I know myself that sometimes the littlest of things can trigger really bizarre responses I wouldn't have expected. It used to be a lot worse. My way of dealing was just to acknowledge that I was sad or down, it's an emotion just like feeling happy or up. Things can and do turn around. I would ask though if you are on HRT at the moment, specifically injections of estrogen, since this can upset the apple cart with remarkable ease! Eel well soon.

[Beth Andrea]

I get those "spontaneous" (the docs call them "intrusive thoughts") inner criticisms + emotions pretty often, and I used to have to take several days off work, they were that crippling.

In fact, I probably should be on disability too...but thanks to therapy and meds, I only missed 19 days last year. (Over the past 5 years, I missed about 30 days/year. I have a *very* understanding workplace).

I've learned to not fight the depression...acknowledge it, be kind to yourself, let it express itself via drawing, writing, painting etc. Try to hold the emotion in a safe place within, where it doesn't flood in and overwhelm your daily functioning.

This took me awhile to be able to do, I hope it helps you.

[Ally_B]

Starting to come out of it, thanks to breakfast, some supportive msgs and a long phone chat w/ my mother.

I have a feeling that maybe I had a really upsetting dream that I don't remember and maybe it stayed w/ me emotionally? I'm also somewhat angry at a friend who lied to me and I tend to end up turning negative emotions on myself without meaning to.... I guess it might just be an unlucky confluence of circumstances that conspired to upset me.

I'm a highly emotional person by nature and being on HRT (celebrated 4 months the other day) has certainly given that an extra little nudge. To this point though, the effect has mostly been positive. I've been feeling generally up and relaxed because I'm letting go of the safe, but utterly depressing past persona I hid behind and showing the world the real me.... And the world has generally been giving me the thumbs up!

I do cry most days, but usually because I'm happy or something has touched my heart in some special kind of way.

Thank you for yr responses, I feel like the Goodship Allypop has righted herself and is feeling the beginnings of a favourable breeze in her sails.