Quote from: Cin on January 09, 2015, 04:47:51 PM
. . . sometimes I just can't help but feel a little selfish.
Now, Cin, there are certain things that make me really angry, and this is one of them: this notion that we transpeople are being selfish because we want to live our lives just like everybody else on this planet. This is one we hear sometimes from the dedicated trans-haters out there. After all, we're such a small minority and (heavens!) we make them uncomfortable, and (gosh!) how can we be so awful as not to think about other people? We only think about ourselves. We're not living the way they want us to. Proof of what bad people we are.
I got something like this on another forum one time. A woman complaining about minorities. Everything these days is being done for minorities, and why should we have to worry about them? There's only a few of them, so it's hardly worth the bother. And this woman was an outspoken Christian—so like, where's her Christian compassion, right? And this woman was also of an ethnic minority in her country. So how do you explain that?
At any rate, I put it to her like this: "The ship goes down. There are people in the water all over the place. Fortunately, there are plenty of lifeboats and a crew who are well-trained to deal with such emergencies. So they've got everybody in the boats in no time—except for one woman who's drifted off quite some distance from everybody else. So what will the crew say? 'It's only one, lads. Why should we bother?'"
My interlocutor agreed that yes, sometimes a majority has a duty to an individual, and that it would in fact be criminal if they neglected that duty.
Yet here you are, in the water and obviously struggling and still you're somewhat apologetic about it—as if you're somehow less valuable than everybody else. And why exactly is it that you're in the water to begin with? Because the ship went down? No, the ship's just fine. It's because some nasty people pitched you overboard, and they're precisely the ones who are complaining about what a bother you are because you want to be rescued.
What sort of people are they? Well, here's a quote from a guy who posted on a forum four days after Leelah Alcorn's death to express his opposition to transgender rights: "If it's a more just society we're pursuing, IMHO, the unspeakable sufferings of industrial-farmed animals and animals in labs would be a much better place to start since their suffering is far worse than that of LGBT's in Western society."
There are people out there who rate us lower than animals. They make us desperately unhappy, sometimes they even drive one of ours to suicide, and they've somehow got the notion that we're an inconvenience to them. Do we owe them any apologies? No, these are the attitudes that we grow up with, the attitudes propagated by our society and that we internalize, and then we feel bad about ourselves and start thinking that we somehow really are an inconvenience to others.
Cin, people everywhere tacitly agree that every human being possesses certain inalienable rights and that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. You are as valuable as anybody on this planet, and if certain trans-haters disagree with that and want to deny you your human rights, they're wrong. These rights are inalienable. You know what that means. They can't be alienated.
So you do have the right to claim your rights, and it doesn't make it selfish of you. Others have no right to say so, and you shouldn't be saying it yourself. You don't owe anyone any apologies. You haven't done them any wrong. On the contrary, they've done a great wrong to you—the wrong that they did to Leelah Alcorn and the wrong they'd like to do to every one of us.
Quote from: Cin on January 09, 2015, 04:47:51 PM
My parents do all they can to keep me happy, but yet I want more, and it's not something that they can give me.
You're exactly right on this point, Cin. Your parents can't give you happiness, and they can't live your life for you. You have to do that yourself. And as I say, you're not doing anything wrong. You want to be happy. You want to live a good life. Show me somebody on this planet who doesn't.
Quote from: Cin on January 09, 2015, 04:47:51 PM
I wonder sometimes, how do I know when it's right to come out? and to whom? I know that my mom loves me unconditionally and often encourages me to talk to her about my problems, but this is something I'm pretty sure she's not ready for.
This one is harder to answer, and I can't give you any firm advice here because you know your circumstances and I don't. How do you know when it's right to come out? I think, generally speaking, when you've got to the point where you simply cannot stay in any more. But it's up to you to decide when that is.
And your mom isn't ready for it? Well, Cin, if you're 24, that means your mom is probably at least 44, and if she isn't ready now, when will she be? My dad's 86, and my brother, sister and I all agreed that he's not ready for it. So how much longer should I have waited? We live far enough apart that he doesn't need to know about it, so he doesn't. I live my life and he knows nothing about it, and that's a nuisance for me in ways, but it's not my fault.
Now she's your mom, and of course if there's something you can do to make things a bit easier for her, by all means do it. But how can you stay in the closet for her sake? And Cin, understand that you may be seriously underrating her. It's one thing I realized when I at long last came out: I hadn't given the people who knew me nearly enough credit. There's not a single one of the people who know me who turned their back on me when I came out. And if your mom knew what you're going through, perhaps she would encourage you to come out rather than continue to live in such pain. People who love you don't want to see you in pain. Your pain hurts them. They don't want you to live with it if you don't have to.
I'm not going to tell you what to do. You know your circumstances and I don't. It's a fact that there are good ways and bad ways of coming out. We transpeople need to be smart and try to do things in a smart way. One thing I learned is this: there's no point in dwelling on your unhappiness. Look at that unhappiness, try to see where it's coming from and try to figure out what you can do about it, what steps you need to take. Try to see your situation rationally and act accordingly. No need to be hasty, foolhardy or reckless. Little steps will get you a long, long way in the end.
But Cin, you don't want to live your life the way I've lived mine. You don't want to stay in the closet for decades. That's no way to live. You may be scared. I was terrified. But it can be done. Don't despair. Think! Try to see what you need to do and how you can do it. If a cowardly, decrepit idiot like me can do it, you can, too.
Best wishes,
Foxglove
