There's nothing I can do to make this any better right now. Long story short, my life hinges on the choices of others. I feel like I am watching myself as a dream. There's me, oh, don't I look silly today? I have disassociated further from reality than ever before. My ego -- it is a thing I observe, manipulate and scrutinize. It is as if I am programming another person's identity. I am not in the body fully at most times.
My most painful worry is this:
I am a bad example of a trans/non binary person, being so much of a degenerate, being a broke street kid with face tattoos and a minimum wage job. I am a writer, but who need see my face for that role? I am not an ambassador - I am a joke. I am the eternal cosmic clown. This gives me some comfort, my existence as a sacred clown, but I am not able to function in the capacity that I need to with the current limitations present in my life. I cannot be who I am supposed to be. I am simply the fool, the drunk, the loser. Always the bad example. I need to perform my absurdity. But in this role, I do dearly pain to make my trans brethren seem (by transassociation) like the freak I am.
I wake up and reach to scratch anatomy I don't have. Why do I have to walk this path? It is too hard. I scream to my Gods and Goddess, I wasn't ready. And the whisper on the wind, "You are ready. You were always ready."
The authentic me is very bizarre, and I just don't want to make a bad impression that trans people are insane lunatics running around tattooing their faces, burning their arms and cutting themselves to bits (I have very noticeable scars from self harm). I'm sorry. I just don't want to fail you, my tribe. I don't want to screw anyone over by being me.
You dig?