Falling into a dark spiral again

[ElioAyla]

There's nothing I can do to make this any better right now. Long story short, my life hinges on the choices of others. I feel like I am watching myself as a dream. There's me, oh, don't I look silly today? I have disassociated further from reality than ever before. My ego -- it is a thing I observe, manipulate and scrutinize. It is as if I am programming another person's identity. I am not in the body fully at most times.

My most painful worry is this:
I am a bad example of a trans/non binary person, being so much of a degenerate, being a broke street kid with face tattoos and a minimum wage job. I am a writer, but who need see my face for that role? I am not an ambassador - I am a joke. I am the eternal cosmic clown. This gives me some comfort, my existence as a sacred clown, but I am not able to function in the capacity that I need to with the current limitations present in my life. I cannot be who I am supposed to be. I am simply the fool, the drunk, the loser. Always the bad example. I need to perform my absurdity. But in this role, I do dearly pain to make my trans brethren seem (by transassociation) like the freak I am.

I wake up and reach to scratch anatomy I don't have. Why do I have to walk this path? It is too hard. I scream to my Gods and Goddess, I wasn't ready. And the whisper on the wind, "You are ready. You were always ready."

The authentic me is very bizarre, and I just don't want to make a bad impression that trans people are insane lunatics running around tattooing their faces, burning their arms and cutting themselves to bits (I have very noticeable scars from self harm). I'm sorry. I just don't want to fail you, my tribe. I don't want to screw anyone over by being me.

You dig?

[DriftingCrow]

F**k society. Be who you are meant to be.

You're not a joke, you're yourself. You don't need to worry about being a good or bad ambassador --  you're a good one if you're being your authentic self.

You're a writer, you can have as much tattoos as you want. If you want them gone to climb up a corporate ladder and into the drone-life of everyone who conforms, then you're not being true to yourself and won't end up finding happiness.

You're focusing too much on how others see you. Who cares about them? Care about yourself.

[ElioAyla]

F**k society. Be who you are meant to be.

You're not a joke, you're yourself. You don't need to worry about being a good or bad ambassador --  you're a good one if you're being your authentic self.

You're a writer, you can have as much tattoos as you want. If you want them gone to climb up a corporate ladder and into the drone-life of everyone who conforms, then you're not being true to yourself and won't end up finding happiness.

You're focusing too much on how others see you. Who cares about them? Care about yourself.

I don't want them gone - I love them. I want to add more. But I have an orphaned boyfriend and a dog to take care of. So I do wear masks to appear in society and make my little paycheck. I often realize that I would make more money if I just embraced myself fully. But I'm letting obligations tether me to an identity that seems....quite false. Just a puppet really. How can I find happiness existing only as this puppet person, meek and easy going and impersonal. That's not me. It never was.

You are right.....I need to care about myself. But it's so much easier to care about these other people. I don't generally tend to notice myself. Maybe that's why I'm fading away

[Sunderland]

In my mind, the only thing you have to do to be a good 'ambassador' of trans people is to be yourself. Don't put on any masks to try to please the world, even if you're doing it in the hope of improving how your fellow trans people are seen. It's an admirable intention, trying to help others, but please don't sacrifice yourself to do it. I would not want anyone to do that. As long as you're not afraid to be yourself, as long as you have the courage to do that in spite of what society thinks, I think you're a positive representation of trans people. You don't need to do anything beyond that.

*hugs*

I hope you feel better soon.

[suzifrommd]

I am a bad example of a trans/non binary person, being so much of a degenerate, being a broke street kid with face tattoos and a minimum wage job. I am a writer, but who need see my face for that role? I am not an ambassador - I am a joke. I am the eternal cosmic clown. This gives me some comfort, my existence as a sacred clown, but I am not able to function in the capacity that I need to with the current limitations present in my life. I cannot be who I am supposed to be. I am simply the fool, the drunk, the loser.

No. You are a beautiful, valuable, special human being. Your worth to the world is immense, and is not measured by the size of your wages. The ways the world benefits by having you in it cannot be measured in dollars and sense, indeed cannot be measured at all, because everyone is different and precious in their own way so any comparison is misleading.

You have no standards you need to live up to. It is enough just for you to be yourself in whatever way you are able.

Please treat yourself with respect. You deserve it.

[DriftingCrow]

I don't want them gone - I love them. I want to add more. But I have an orphaned boyfriend and a dog to take care of. So I do wear masks to appear in society and make my little paycheck. I often realize that I would make more money if I just embraced myself fully. But I'm letting obligations tether me to an identity that seems....quite false. Just a puppet really. How can I find happiness existing only as this puppet person, meek and easy going and impersonal. That's not me. It never was.

You don't have to escape society to get happiness or freedom. You need to realize the games society plays, and find a way to make your own rules without necessarily ruining the game. We often do need to wear a mask to get by, to appease those with power over us, but we need to always retain hope that soon we can remove the mask. If you can find a way to focus more on your writing, or other venture that you have control over, you can remove the mask when you're your own boss.

You can be yourself, just find your way through the maze to it.

If you say "I can't" then you won't.

[adrian]

You are right.....I need to care about myself. But it's so much easier to care about these other people. I don't generally tend to notice myself. Maybe that's why I'm fading away

I feel so very similar. I'm sorry. I hope we can manage not to fade, but shine some day. I'm not sure I have it in me, but who knows.

And if disgrace need be mentioned here at all, it's society that is a disgrace for not accepting us how we are. There's nothing disgraceful about who you are.

[Dread_Faery]

Jedi hugs sent

[FriendsCallMeChris]

Hey Elio, Good to hear from you again!
For what it's worth, you don't have to represent anyone.  Not required!  And all writers are quirky.  It has nothing to do w/  being trans.  I've been in a ton of writers' groups and know, literally, a few thousand writers.  We're all out of the box.  Some of us are WAY out of the box.  That's where the good prose and poetry comes from.

Glad to see you back on the forum.  Hang with us more often! You're going to be okay.  Just keep breathing through it.   

Chris

[ERROR: gender undefined;]

I feel so very similar. I'm sorry. I hope we can manage not to fade, but shine some day. I'm not sure I have it in me, but who knows.

And if disgrace need be mentioned here at all, it's society that is a disgrace for not accepting us how we are. There's nothing disgraceful about who you are.

I'm here, too. I've been torn up tonight because I feel I'll never fit in with any of "them". They're all just so sure about how right they are... How can they be SO sure about everything? I've been arguing against family, school, and my local community about so many things for so long it's just gotten to a point where I'm so angry at them I just want to take 'em on one by one (in my mind) - until I crash into old thought patterns: it's my fault I'm different, if I weren't so different and didn't care about these issues, I would have a peaceful life integrated with their community. After all, I'm the only one in a radius of 50 miles who feels this way, apparently. But if I think about it, there's no way I can just stop caring about equality, inclusiveness, freedom, and fairness. I just can't. I don't know why. I'll never fit in with those people I watch everyday, because things matter to me that they have never considered. They've never felt what we have, the way we have, so they'll never honestly understand, and they may never even listen to us - but maybe they'll give in someday even if it's just to make all the "unnecessary" debate stop... I hold onto the hope of moving to a more progressive area someday... That's my hope, to be somewhere I can be free and express my identity and ideals where they might-just-possibly-maybe-just-have-the-slightest-chance-of understanding what I'm saying - or if not understanding, just accepting that I'm a valid individual and not a weirdo, and that I can be included in their clan of humans. I hope it's not a pipe dream.

I'm sorry I've rambled a bit - I hope you're doing ok, and you're safe.

[ElioAyla]

Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement and solidarity.    I really appreciate it. Now that I have a semi-working laptop, I'll be around a little bit more often, which is good, because I really love this place. As I read your messages on my smart phone, I felt encouraged to push through ->-bleeped-<-ty days. ->-bleeped-<- society. I can play whatever part I want to, it doesn't mean anything. Some people have suffered in silence for decades....I can make it a few more months, years, whatever it takes....I'll do my best to see it through.