Is T supposed to make dysphoria worse? **Trigger warning, mentions suicide**

[ThatAussieDude]

I don't know, when I first started and for a few months it was exciting and great, but as the months have passed, I started getting worse dysphoria, and it just keeps getting worse, to a point of me (Trigger warning) being severely suicidal and not functioning properly. Yeah, all the normal stuff is happening like body hair, voice deepening etc, but it's like none of it matters anymore. I used to care about social prsentation and felt better when someone said something about how manly I look and sound etc, but it has a negative effect on me now and has for most of my time on T (15 months), to a point where I think "screw you, if only you actually knew what it's REALLY like to be me, living in a body that isn't mine and I will never be happy with". I have people telling me it will get better, but I'm past the point T can do much for me on it's own, and I have professionals telling me surely life isn't that bad, when they have no clue. They tell me, what about the people who care about you? Do you think how you not being here will effect them? I just say it doesn't matter, I have no one, and I don't even get to leave the world the right way, as who I am, anyways. If I could, I would have already. Because, I don't know if it's normal, but T has made me obsess with what I'll never have, but need. It's damned near impossible to look at myself, knowing I will only ever have such a minute percentage of what I need. Most of the time it honestly feels like a massive joke. Yeah, I knew T wouldn't do much. I was hoping the little things it does would help me deal with/not feel so horrible about the things it can't do. I never expected a ->-bleeped-<-storm and for that to get much worse. I never expected to spend the majority of my time thinking about how I'll never have a functioning penis, that my hips will always look ridiculously wider than my waist, that I'll never produce T naturally, never be able to have sex properly despite my sex drive being through the roof, I'll always be considered short, never be muscular enough (and the list goes on). I was hoping to have top surgery, I did spend most of my childhood saving for it, but all of the surgeons have said no, they don't want to take the risks of blood clots and haemotomas and whatever else getting keyhole as a higher risk of occurring during surgery, or continual revisions because things that can be done during DI can't be done during keyhole, like resizing and repositioning the areolas and nipples. So I won't be getting top surgery, or any surgery, I hoped to get a hysto too, either both or just a hysto at least. Nope. No gyno is interested in even speaking to me. And to top it off, my doctor can't treat me long term and every other GP I've been to said no, or I would need you to go back and get the whole gender dysphoria assessment again to consider saying yes. So it's kind of like, what am I doing here in this world? Life isn't going to get better. And before you say call an emergency number, I have. Various times. I got sick of hearing, oh we can't do anything for you or about that. My own doctor has said, numerous times, the medical field will improve in the next decade or 2 so just wait. Not something you need to hear when you struggle to last through a day. And yes, I have spoken to mental health professionals to be sure it isn't some kind of mood episode etc. They say besides my dysphoria being so awful, I'm fine. I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to stop obsessing about what I can't have, or at least lessen it, so I don't feel so crap about myself.  P.S, the Australian heat really sucks right now.

Thanks in advance for reading, and for any advice. I'm sorry if I offend anyone, not my intentions.
-Trez

[lionheart]

Yeah, that's actually pretty common. A lot of it has to do with your body changing and appearing more masculine, but if you still have female *parts* it just looks out of place and makes your dysphoria about those things a lot worse. Also, having to take hormones probably makes you a lot more conscious about the fact that... well, you have to take hormones. If you're still worried about things like height or your hips though, there are things you can do about that. There are a lot of resources for trans guys about exercises that can help make your body shape more masculine. As for the height, you can get shoe inserts that can make you as much as 3 inches taller. But also keep in mind that plenty of cis guys are short, and as long as you pass as male nobody really cares how tall you are.

It seems strange that every doctor you talked to refused to do keyhole simply because of the complications. Did you talk to ones that regularly perform keyhole, or are you just on the border? Maybe try considering DI. I know it sucks to think about having the scars, but it's better than nothing and there are a lot of things you can do to minimize the appearance. If all your doctors are denying you the surgeries you want, I think at that point you might consider talking to a different doctor.

I'll tell you right now though, you're not the only one and a lot of trans guys go through the same thing. It really sucks, but there's honestly not a whole lot you can do about it other than wait it out or just learn to accept it. I'm really sorry dude.

[Kreuzfidel]

I think that being mindful of your language can be helpful.  "Never" is a very toxic word and honestly very restricting.  I know all too well what it feels like to feel hopeless, and how things at the present can make your hopes and dreams seem as though they're never going to happen. 

Setting short-term goals got me through a lot of this.  I won't lie, of course you're going to have things about yourself that you may not be able to change to your satisfaction, but that's life.  We all have things about ourselves, trans or cis, that we wish very desperately we could change - but we have to learn to live with the good and not allow ourselves to be disempowered by our perceptions of what is "bad" or not right.

When I talk about short-term goals, it can mean anything for you.  In your case, I would suggest focusing on things you can do to help you find a happy medium between your vision of the man you want to be and your perception of the man you are.  Things like setting a goal to increase your muscularity - finding a workout program that you like and setting a goal to stick to it for 90 days - long enough for it to become a habit.

Another goal could be finding events and hobbies that empower you as a man.  Learning a new skill, for example.  You can look into taking short courses in things like woodworking or fly-fishing, etc. 

Short-term goals help to remove the feeling of "permanency" of your perceived shortcomings and can re-focus your attention on ways to help yourself instead of hinder yourself.

[ThatAussieDude]

I have become a lot more conscious of needing to take T, yeah. As for top surgery, I'm way too small for DI anyways. I'm pretty sure that the DI procedures here in Aus are done differently to the ones in the US as well.

I do workout. It hasn't helped besides making my back bigger. My body just sucks up nutrition like a vacuum cleaner, so it's hard, physically, to eat enough to get anything out of it. And financially, I can't afford to do much.

I've tried going to do a course, but for other legal reasons, I can't. My financial correspendence doesn't see it as necessary and won't pay upfront (Yeah, even though the money is mine).

Really, the only time I'm not like this, is when I'm sleeping, so most of the time I just sleep. It ends up heightening the whole fact that I don't need to be living, but it gives me a break from being dumped with bricks from feeling like garbage when I'm awake.

-Trez