Belief appears to me to be the one most argumentative aspect of our board lives together. The lack of it; the abundance of it.
I think that what I fail to recall is that belief is intensely personal.
It becomes too easy to find fault and doubt within someone's queries, answers, opinions, choices when they are not my own.
It's also problematic when I either know or think I know particular people. It's also problematic if I simply find enough lack of surety, validation, belief within myself so that if someone else's stated experience diverges from my own, I want to feel that they are lying, off the right track, or just trying to suggest that I am either wrong or lying.
Perhaps each of those things are true at any particular time. Perhaps it is 'all within my own mind.'
In point of fact, what does it really and truly matter? Provided the divergence is not a matter of fact: for instance if I tell someone that taking 600mg of Spironolactone twice a day is not problematic and that everyone who does not do so is simply delaying their transition. Now THAT should be challenged.
But, the way I might feel about orgasm or what is best for me, my experience or lack of it in certain areas. Are those matters somehow invalidating for either me or anyone else? Must I be challenged tooth and claw if I say I am of the opinion that I, no matter what I do, will never be a 'real' woman? (BTW, I don't believe that particular little adage, but some do. And yes, I have had arguments with people on boards about that very matter.)
Finally, we are all profoundly alone, We are all profoundly responsible for our own comfort, and lack of it, in this process of transition. I am also profoundly responsible for my own validation. No one else is going to provide me with that, no matter how badly I wish for them to.
I can make judgements about others; I imagine we all do so. But, the judgements I can best make are those merely about myself. If another does not believe that she can be a 'real woman,' but only an approximation of one due to chromosomes, lack of socialization at a young age, lack of a vagina/vulva from birth, etc, etc, does her opinion that she feels deeply enough within herself to post on a board (or as an exercise in trolling) really invalidate my own view of myself? That I am as real a woman as any gg, any other transwoman, real as granite?
I admit that I am just as subject to this syndrome as anyone else. I find it my largest flaw. I also find that given some time after I read it, I can remember who I am and not feel like I must resort to a nasty retort and join an argument.
Perhaps someone does think of me as delusional. Okay, they are allowed. Does that opinion make me so? You may answer that for yourself, but I shall answer 'no.'
I believe that we have all received such opinions throughout our lives. Like any survivors of any other sort of trauma, we tend to be very reactive when we hear such things. I find that I can be less reactive if I weigh myself for a while prior to responding. Often, I simply do not respond, when I am able to get a grip on myself. Sometimes I just react and write. That is usually problematic for me.
Please try to understand that I am not casting this opinion about to touch anyone but myself. I own the reactions, the thoughts, on occasion, that someone else is maybe not telling the truth or putting on a board pose, or answering with a 'party line.' I own that sometimes I will read a response and believe that I see within that response a great deal of discomfort, bragging, delusion, silliness, etc, etc.
But, if it were me would I want you to very bluntly put it to me that you thought that about me?
With all the WWJD, WWBD, WWMD I think that maybe the most important WWD is the one I sometimes disregard: what would I do if that were me? WWID?
Perhaps what is lacking is belief within myself that is able to withstand the taunts, sneers and disbelief of my sisters and brothers in transition.
I have made a fairly strong barrier against responses that I get like that from nons. Why do I have more difficulty building that same barrier when it comes to others who experience lives that are/have been/will be somewhat similar to my own?
Nichole
