Hi Peacebone,
Fear is a natural response to transitioning. As you stated there are a lot of unknowns. I do know hormones do not change your personality. Yes it is a lot to undertake and it can feel overwhelming.
I made a list of the things I needed to do, I wanted to do, those things I would like to do. All were overwhelming. I really want and need to do all of the things on the list. As time has gone by I am accomplishing many of them one by one. I have made real progress. The list is really an assembly of those things internal and external that help me feel more comfortable in my own skin.
I hid and used coping mechanism to get by each day but in the end they failed me or I failed myself. Then my transition became a process of facing my fear, looking at it, talking to it but never bargaining with it again. I realized fear was controlling my life, what I did and how I behaved.
Being gentile is not a gender marker (my opinion). I am now very gentile, when I had T in my system I had constant rage in my heart and I was on edge all the time. Perhaps having the correct hormones in my body resolved the constant heightened feeling of fight or flight and anger. This has helped me tremendously at work. People actually comment on this on a regular basis. I get comments like what ever you do never go back to the old you. I manage a lot of projects and teams at work and I am much more productive and being gentile does not mean not holding people accountable and addressing issues in a timely basis and with emotional intelligence. It is the core of where I operate and who I am.
Gentleness, kindness and compassion are not weak. On the contrary they come from strength, your internal reserve of strength.
Good luck on your journey.
