Thanks everyone for all the replies. It means the world to hear somebody else speaking of things I figured were just delusions.
Littleredrobinhood: Just knowing I'm not alone in those kinds of feelings is plenty of help. I appreciate your response immensely. I also want to stay "as-is", because, hey, it's a lot easier on my relations, life, and wallet. But the flipping will continue to happen. Sometimes I dread the next day, thinking I'll wake up female and pissed about it. But sometimes I find myself grabbing for it, like I am happier as a female, and dread waking up male. So basically, it's convoluted and beyond frustrating. Guess only time will be able to offer some clarity. Thanks again, and I hope you find your balance as well!
Brenda E: I've definitely asked that pill question to myself before, and I gave it a quick answer of "that sounds fantastic." I've just been worried of course that it's only temporarily appealing and will always come and go on an equal basis. But I definitely didn't think about being able to do a trial run! That's definitely a thing I would consider if I find my flips weigh too heavy on the female side to live with. But it's definitely empowering to know that I could always trial HRT to know for certain before taking the leap. Thanks for your response.
Suzifrommd: Yes! That absolutely helps. Especially your two thought questions. Holy hell. Definitely spot on with how I feel in social situations involving all male vs all female. I enjoy spending time with my female friends but it can be heartbreaking, especially if gender-based barriers are apparent. So yes your response helped a ton, however it's also mildly terrifying. There is one part of me that wants to figure me out to be a woman, then there's the other anxious part of me that hopes I'll just find my balance and stay male. I guess time might show the answer, but that'll definitely be a rocky path.
Eva Marie: The idea that dysphoria can evolve throughout my life is something that could really, really make sense for me. The thought that, in the end, I may not be bigender but rather a soon-to-be transgender woman definitely resonates with me deeply and I was definitely shook by it. Before I talked to other transgenders, I figured dysphoria was something transgenders felt all the time and other emotions just covered it up. But it's eye opening to understand that there may be times where I will swear I'm male, but those moments may not prove that I'm male for certain. I guess I have a ton to think about (as if I didn't already before). Thank you!
And Izzy, thanks for the welcome!
I'm beyond thankful for all the responses. I thought I would have follow up questions, but all of your experiences resonated with me so much more thoroughly than I could have imagined. I guess we'll see what happens through introspection and time.
See you,
-Jacqueline
