I had a phase where I tried the slow come out. I wasn't fully sure I was really trans back then, I was still kind of stuck in a religious environment, and to be fairly honest, I'm not even really sure what I was trying to explore, except that I didn't feel right in my own skin. I saw this girl in full goth regaialia walking down the street one day and was so transfixed by her that I followed her for several blocks trying to catch up so I could talk to her. Once I do, I go into this nervous blather. Part me me wanted to know if she was single, but most of me was just curious about where she got her clothes, her hair dye, and her makeup.
She basically just said, :if you want to go for the look bad enough, just do it". I also think I seriously creeped her out, because I was so jittery, and because I seemed to want to be her as much as I was hitting on her. Which, in hindsight... yeah. I did. But I couldn't admit that to myself back then.
So, I started with the hair dye, nail polish, then tired to upgrade to eyeliner. When Halloween came around that year, I attempted full drag for the first tim, under the guise of a Halloween costume. I was going as a goth girl, and it was the first time I ever used the name "Daria". I went to an amusement park with friends in full drag, expecting at least some of them to be in costume. Sure, Halloween was a month off, but we were going to a Haunted House they had set up at the park, so I thought, "yeah, I can get away with this". Needless to say, I actually ended up pissing off a friend in small part because of it, and also because I spent half the time hitting on this one girl who was supposedly his one college buddy's crush. She seemed into the drag and wanted to try on my blue wig, and it's not like this guy was dating her. I just met her, and my feeling on it was, and still is, "hey, you want to talk her up, go for it, but don't expect me to stop talkin her up myself." Beyond that, my firend's girlfriend, the one that got mad at me that night, she was kind of cool with me in drag, too, even though she was quick to point out what all I was doing wrong. She might have even called me Daria a couple times that night, because I was insisting people call me Daria. Because, you know, costume, in the role...
Who am I kidding? I was in so much self-denial back then it wasn't even funny.
Anyway, I only did the full drag twice that year. The theme park trip and one day, just out in the street on my own, going to the video store... because in hindsight, I guess I just wanted to see if I could get away with it. The test run didn't go great, but it wasn't exactly met with scorn, either. The video clerk had a trans sister, apparently. She alluded to such, at least. So I was probably another day, for her. I also didn't bother with the lipstick, so for all I know, she didn't pick up the fact that I was attempting drag. She might have just thought I was goth. No clue.
I toned it down for the day to day. If anyone got weird about it, I told them I was going through a "Jeff Hardy phase". For those who don't know, Hardy is a pro wrestler known for his unconventional style. Not really trans, but the stockings, multi-colored hair, nail polish, face-paint and whatnot, it was a decent excuse. Eventually, the church folk gave me enough of the stinkeye that I gave up the phase and bleached my hair out. Nevermind that this was also 2001, and all of this was taking place just after 9/11, when the church folk I knew back then were taling about the End of the World like is was a very good possibility that it was going to happen. People were spooked back then, and I wasn't helping matters looking all Marilyn Mansony in their eyes.
So, yeah. I tried this once. Might even work if I tried it again, now. Maybe because I actually know what I'm going for this time, and maybe not go nearly as extreme.
