How many of us "knew" as kids? Who showed signs?

[Julia-Madrid]

I did not 'know' either until a few weeks back...

I had my "epiphany" at 23, I always wondered why I didn't know before.

This is something I find fascinating.  It took a mini gender and orientation breakdown in my 20s for me to realise what in retrospect is reasonably obvious.

I wonder how much of this has to do with social conditioning, repression, naivety or something else besides.  As a kid, whenever I heard the words "sex change" it set off some quiet bell inside me, but for some reason the penny only dropped in my 20s.

[Rebekka]

as it has been, i was drugged to the gills as a 'ritalin kid' all through elementary and middle school on all kinds of 'legal' drugs, ritalin, adderall, wellbutrin, probably also an SSRI or two in the mix (fortunately, i didn't go batshpit insane and shoot up a school or commit suicide, although there were days where i was literally razor-edge close to the latter.) Im sure that my body was a child at one time, but i don't remember being a child, so, from my mental perspective, i was never a child, and i was otherwise directly born as a later teenager/ adult.

Was i showing signs of gender dysphoria before the public fool system put me on the meds ? i don't know, and i suspect neither me or anyone else will ever know. That is gone. Lost to the sands and winds of time. Forever.

I suspect that there might have been signs, but the people around me were just too stupid to notice it and realize what was really going on. Instead, they stuck me on meds as a matter of SOP, and all but overtly mind-wiped me.

Ironically, it also prevented the public fool system from formatting my mind and doing arguably worse damage to me as a person. I awoke into highschool with the ability to read and understand things well beyond my 'normal' peers, and while they were struggling with 5th and 6th grade reading materials in 'regular ed' classes, i was reading fully adult material (you got a smutty mind, you know that ? ) about as easy as breathing.

i was a first class freek-nerd in high school, and after being absolutely socially destroyed in freshman and sophomore year (by both boys and girls), i eventually learned to keep very strictly to academics (or whatever other business-at-hand there was) and avoided being social, at all costs.

Eventually, i had to reluctantly accept and internalize my 'perpetual outsider' status, and began to think of myself more as some form of humanoid space alien, rather than really human, and i tend to equate 'female-ness' with 'humanity', sexist as that may sound.

[DrummerGirl]

When I was in first grade, one lunch all the kids in my class decided to play a game called Cooties where the boys and girls would split up and the girls would chase the boys to tag them and knock them out of the game.  Since I had been conditioned to think I was a boy, I joined the boys team and ran from the girls.  At one point a girl yells out to me, "Stop! Wait! I want to talk to you."  So I stopped, turned around, and she said something that blew my mind.  "You're on the wrong team.  You should be on the girls team."  At that point some other girls overheard and voiced their agreement.  I stopped to think about it for a second and realized they were right.  It was at that point that I just "knew".  It's funny to think that they knew before I did.  I became friends with that girl for a short time before she moved away.  I hope to find her someday and thank her.

[Damara]

I knew something was amiss when I was really young.. But I didn't think in terms of "I am a girl." I just was. I wore dresses when I could, always wanted long hair, kept my nails as long as I could prevent my parents from forcibly cutting them, pretending to be a witch always, faeries, a mermaid.. playing with dolls, connecting to female film and tv characters super strongly. Of course I was also a self proclaimed scientist, and loved biology, and paleontology (Thanks Jurassic Park!) But I never associated those things with maleness anyway..

Puberty is what set off my dysphoria like crazy. I hated the changes, my shoulders got way broader and this really upset me.. I was super hairy legged.. arms too. I actually fought my voice change for several years, speaking and singing in a falsetto. And the changes downstairs were NOT welcome.. I felt like a box of yuck. I still didn't know exactly what was going on, but by the time I was 15 or so I think I was getting an idea. I knew of transgender people at this time, but I think the prospect of transitioning was just in the realms of fantasy for me.. It just happened to some people who were lucky, and I thought I'd never be so lucky. Of course now I kick myself for not starting 5 or 6 years ago.. But I suppose I wasn't ready then.. Not sure if I'm ready now, but somethings happening and it's not gonna be "Staying the same!" lol!

[JoanneB]

I wouldn't say I knew when I was a kid since the concept of being able to transition to another gender was unheard of for me. I wouldn't say I went around wishing I was girl, just that I really hated being a boy and being treated by one and expected to do the things boys do. When I was 12 I was told that I was going to a boy's high school and, for reasons that made no sense to me at the time but which are fairly evident now, I suddenly burst into tears - there was no way I wanted to do that. How horrific (and it was).

Almost identical to me except the part about crying having to go a an all boys h/s. (That came afterwards) Growing up in the 50's & 60's you didn't have the option of being girlie. Especially not in an mostly eastern European first generation blue collar city. The boys h/s was just another well known expectation since I was the baby of the family and my big brother was already through the mill

I kept on living up to those expectations for another 40 years

[rachel89]

For myself, there were not super obvious signs. The only signs were quite ambiguous, one was a desire to cross-dress starting around puberty, which I didn't do until college, and only with underwear, another was a desire for a more effeminate appearance, another was being accused of having some effeminate mannerisms in school which some people interpreted as "acting gay", which was weird because I am mostly attracted to women. I am not sure I would have known even in a totally accepting family and society because my social awkwardness would easily mask any trans feelings. I would be happier as a woman at age 24, but ignored the thought for over year, and it came back, this time with the pain of gender dysphoria.

[Tessa James]

I wouldn't say I knew when I was a kid since the concept of being able to transition to another gender was unheard of for me. I wouldn't say I went around wishing I was girl, just that I really hated being a boy and being treated by one and expected to do the things boys do. When I was 12 I was told that I was going to a boy's high school and, for reasons that made no sense to me at the time but which are fairly evident now, I suddenly burst into tears - there was no way I wanted to do that. How horrific (and it was).

I shared that feeling and was a real disappointment to my folks.  My mom especially tried grooming me to become a priest as the status of those guys was then at a peak.  Seminary classes and a catholic military high school were part of why i left home at 16.  That was just when the world was getting a look at some guys called the Beatles and long hair made a come back.  Many of my personal tormentors were right anyway.  I was a sissy girl!

[Northern Jane]

I was one of those children who started out with absolute faith in my gender, much to my mother's chagrin, and it took 8 years to shake my faith in who/what I was. From then through my teens I was simply confused and my quest was to follow the same trail as Christine Jorgensen. That eventually led me to SRS in 1974 at age of 24.

[Jill F]

Many of my personal tormentors were right anyway.  I was a sissy girl!

One day in 8th grade during my usual beating from my go-to bully, he exclaimed, "You're such a f***ing WOMAN!"  And yes, my name in junior high school was "Little F****t Sissy Boy".

[Jo-is-amazing]

I wanted to be a girl from a very young age, but I didn't realise that was even a possibility until I discovered that transition was actually a thing. From that point it took me 4 yrs to come out to my parents and another 4 to get on Hrt. I don't blame young me for not speaking out earlier, I was just trying to be a good child and not cause too much fuss, and while I would've liked to have had a girl-hood I would probably have ended up significantly worse looking then I will now.

T may be poison,,  but I have it to thank for the fact I'm 5ft 9 instead of 4ft 10, the cheekbones aren't that bad either

[Cin]

Ages 3 to 6 : I knew something was 'off' with me at a very early age. I remember thinking I'd be a lot more comfortable if I were a girl, but... I don't remember any kind of strong feeling of hatred of my body though.

Ages 7 to 10 : I played with girls so much that my mom found me a bunch of male friends to play with, and even though I had a hard time relating to how the other boys behaved, I did enjoy the 'male' sports if you will, hated all the 'rites of passages' I had to go through to prove , and I'd often get very very upset if someone questioned my boyhood or called me a girl. I was very feminine looking at that age (before puberty), and my mom would often butch me up before she'd let me go out.

That's all I can really remember. The first time I had any signs of bodily discomfort was at the age of 12 when I had weird dreams were my top half was female, after that it grew and grew and grew. It got so bad that it lead to me tirelessly searching the internet for answers and that's how I found out I was transgender.

[JulieC]

I would say that I knew at a young age that I wanted to be a girl. Unfortunately it took 20 years to start the process due to family and then the military. I believe that some people can recognize at a young age that they are different. For some of us we knew what was different and what we wanted to change. For others they might have known they were different but didn't know what that meant. This could be for multiple reasons whether its family, friends, society etc. I don't think there is one set reason as everyone is different.

[Jessica Jaclyn Reimer]

It might be that some of us are actually tomboys, or similar. We fit in enough to not fully realize how different we were.

I liked (and still do) a lot of typically male things. Doesn't make me any less a woman because of it.

It wasn't until puberty that I started to internalize and barricade my female side in, and by then the self denial was starting. Still can't believe I was able to deny to myself that I was transsexual while crying myself to sleep almost nightly wishing, hoping, and praying to be a girl. *sigh* *facepalm* It was so obvious to me when I had my 'aha' moment just this last December.

my 2 cents,
Jess

[kylen kantari]

Looking back now, I can see that there were signs, but at the time I definitely didn't realize. I didn't think so much that I was a boy, only that I wasn't a girl. I remember praying that god would give me a penis when I was about eight and being disappointed when it didn't happen. I would have thoughts like "I can't do that, someone might think I'm a girl!" Oddly I never thought this was strange. I hated dolls, and pink and most girly things. I didn't want to be treated like a girl. My family never noticed anything because both my mother and my sister are fairly androgynous as well. It was normal for a girl to act like a boy in my family, it would have been more strange to act like a girl.

I didn't start thinking of myself as male consciously until my late teens, before that I kind of saw myself as kind of gender neutral I suppose. I didn't label myself as trans until about my mid twenties because somehow before that my only concept of trans was that it was only MtF and didn't go the other way??? I don't know how I came up with that but that is how I thought.

So I guess in some ways I knew young, I just didn't consciously recognize it.

[synesthetic]

hm, my main proof, if I can call it that, of me being trans is a memory of being super young and having my female dolls "go through sex changes". I also used to dream of being able to use the bathroom while standing up, and tried to do so many times. in elementary school and earlier, a lot of my friends were guys and I never really felt like one of the girls. I also would watch baseball with my dad and had a recurring fantasy about somehow becoming male and joining a pro baseball team. I always felt really uncomfortable in my body, I have for as long as I can remember, and when puberty hit, my discomfort hit an all time high. I'm just now realizing that I think all of that is due to dysphoria. I missed having a flat chest more than anything, I was so ashamed when I had to ask for bras and when I had to tell my mom that I'd gotten my period. it all felt so wrong to me, and now I really understand why.

I've really had to dig these memories up from the back of my mind recently as I've become more in touch with my gender identity. and technically I'm still not an adult, so maybe my current experiences could count as signs

It might be that some of us are actually tomboys, or similar. We fit in enough to not fully realize how different we were.

I liked (and still do) a lot of typically male things. Doesn't make me any less a woman because of it.

very true! I didn't think I could be a trans guy at first because when I was growing up, though I did like some stereotypically male things, I definitely wasn't the antithesis of femininity. gender roles can really warp your self-perception and it's awful but sadly our society still drills this into our minds.

[Curious]

I would dress up and stuff when young, but didn't know until 10 when I saw an episode of spin city where a childhood friend came back as a girl. I realized what transgender was and it clicked. Growing up I combated feelings by always having an "angry face" and being anti social. i did it sub consciously to blend in and keep people away from me. But alone, I would cry and hurt inside. I would dress up secretly and felt good about myself. I would envy other girls and when puberty set in, things became a living and walking nightmare. I wanted death and had very suicidal thoughts. Not only did I look angry, but inside I hated everything. You can say I became the definition of evil. I didn't express this by dressing up in goth or being emo or getting tattoos or piercings, because inside I knew who I really was. Trying to get out. From 18-20 I thought maybe i was gay and tried dating a guy who i was with for a year, but alas I didn't enjoy anything with my current body. It was very uncomfortable. After this, I figured I was a liar to myself and was a phony and fake. I pretended transgender was an option for people who liked trapping and faking. I spent a few years from about 20-23 learning to ignore myself and become part of the low class work world, where I would spiral into depression both career wise and identity wise. I'm now 24 and started making progress last year from self sufficient means. The cogs may finally be turning, but I have a long way to go.

[Rudy King]

FYI: I'm IS.

In looking back at my childhood, I can say there where times when I probably showed signs, but I truly didn't know for sure until I was 14.  See for me, and sometimes I still wonder if my Mom was aware that I was Intersex, because she raised both my brother and I in a mostly gender natural environment.  And it's weird looking back, because there where a few times when she did not allow me to do something that girls would do, and I felt bummed about it but I really didn't understand why. 

In about fifth or sixth grade, I started noticing that I was also different in a different way.  This was around that time when I guess your suppose to start becoming attracted to other people.  But for me, I was never attracted to ether boys or girls.  I never had that reaction that boys are to have when they are attracted to someone (boy/girl).  This was also the time, I started waking up in hell, if you know what I mean.  I never understood why, but I hated waking up every morning, and thankfully it only lasted thirty seconds, but still it was hell for me.

And you know growing up, I really liked doing Mom stuff more than anything.  I loved vacuuming, cooking, and baking the most.  And a lot of the stuff my Mom and I did, would be considered more Mommy/Daughter than Mommy/Son stuff.  We loved doing crafts.  We even held hands in public, when we would go shopping, or walking around.  We did this till I was about maybe fifteen or sixteen.

I kinda knew something was different too around ten.  I remember I read this book about clothes from years past, and I remember reading that boys wore clothing that resembled clothing kind of like girls clothes.  Skirts garments, and such.  But I remember after that book, I wanted to wear girls clothes, but I never understood why.

And do you know what was so weird for me too?  I really wasn't bullied that much at all.  I mean, yes I was called names because I had Albinism, but no one ever went over name calling.  In all the 15 years of schooling (Preschool, Kindergarden, and Sixth grade twice), I was never physically bullied.  Even name calling died in middle school.

It was finally in high school, when I was able to put two and two together.  It was a TV show about Transsexuals, and I finally kinda understood why I felt what I felt.  So I assumed that's what I was.  And so I went in the closet!

[MugwortPsychonaut]

When I was in first grade, one lunch all the kids in my class decided to play a game called Cooties where the boys and girls would split up and the girls would chase the boys to tag them and knock them out of the game.  Since I had been conditioned to think I was a boy, I joined the boys team and ran from the girls.  At one point a girl yells out to me, "Stop! Wait! I want to talk to you."  So I stopped, turned around, and she said something that blew my mind.  "You're on the wrong team.  You should be on the girls team."  At that point some other girls overheard and voiced their agreement.  I stopped to think about it for a second and realized they were right.  It was at that point that I just "knew".  It's funny to think that they knew before I did.  I became friends with that girl for a short time before she moved away.  I hope to find her someday and thank her.

I love this story!

[Robyn37]

I was about 6 or 7, I would try on my little sisters clothes when nobody was around. As I got older I would sneak my mom's clothes. I didn't know anything about transgender at the time. While in the Navy I started learning more about what I was feeling and started accepting it. I had a difficult time in the Navy because I knew I couldn't talk to anybody, fearing discharge. I went through a period of depression that I think having access to a counselor of some sort would have been very helpful. As it went, I managed to make it through and after multiple purging sessions I have accepted who I am. Seems strange now that I think of it over 20 years went by before I was able to accept who I am.

[QuestioningMama]

Though  I aM not 100% sure my child is Transgender  I can say we started noticing around age 2. Not only was he into make up, nail polish and really cute heels but he was also talking about wanting  to be a mom when he grew up etc. Now he is wearing  bras (not all the time but a lot of the time that he is at home) and talking about wearing bikinis  this summer. He's  asked random questions about transitioning as well.
He is pretty  open about it with me so I think if he decides  to transition  he will come to me. (He is only 9 now so I am sure we are a few years from HRT, etc.)