Suzi's best passing advice: The boulder rolling downhill

[suzifrommd]

A MtF in my area who is just starting her transition asked me advice about passing. I want to post here what I told her, in case anyone finds it helpful.

Imagine there is a boulder just at the edge of a hillside. Imagine you don't want it at the bottom of the hill where it might damage something. Your very best hope is that it stays put. Once it starts rolling downhill, your chances of stopping it are not very good.



Before I go any further, I should mention that I don't pass perfectly. I pass often enough that I'm pretty surprised when someone clocks me, but I do get clocked, especially in LGBT spaces. In particular:
* I'm 5'11" tall.
* My jaw is on the wide side for a woman.
* My hips are narrow, much narrower than my shoulders.
* I have size 12 feet.
* I wear a wig nearly all the time.
* I wear large glasses frames to cover my eyebrow ridge.
* I've never had FFS or a trach shave, so my Adam's Apple is front and center for everyone to see.

None of these things will get me clocked. All of these things are unobtrusive and might be found on a cis-woman. Nobody will see any of them and think I'm trans.

But taken in their totality, someone observing all of them could easily conclude that I'm trans. In other words, if someone has suspicions and begins looking carefully at me, there is no way for me to hide my history.

IF they are suspicious.

So for me, being clocked is like a boulder rolling downhill. As long as I don't give people a reason for being suspicious, it is unlikely they'll put all the indications together and clock me. However, once something stirs their suspicions - a tuft of arm hair, face stubble, my craggy forehead with its unmistakably male aging, my baldness pattern, a drop in my voice - the boulder starts rolling. Once they ASK themselves the question, "is this person trans?", I've already basically lost the battle. Nothing I'm going to do to myself will stop the boulder before it gets to the bottom of the hill.

So for me, passing is making sure they don't have a suspicion. Wherever they look first, my feet, my legs, my trunk, my head, my arms, my hands, they have to see girl. If they see my ears first, they should see feminine earrings. If they seem my face first, my wig should show them a feminine hairstyle. If the seem my arms first, they should be clean shaven with bangles or bracelets. Etc.

Cis people have trouble with this concept. My electrologist keeps telling me "just because you have stubble [on the days before my appointment] doesn't mean people will know you are trans. Lot's of women have stubble." Friends have told me, "you don't need to hide your forehead and eyebrow ridge. Lots of women are balding and have prominent eyebrows."

But those lots of cis women with stubble and prominent eyebrows are not trying to keep a boulder at the top of the hill.

I hope this helps.

[ThePhoenix]

Hmmmmmm.....

I sort of agree.  Once they ask the question of whether someone is trans*, they are looking for signs and are more likely to see them.  But I think it's actually easier than you make it sound because people are not out there looking.  That makes it fairly hard to start the boulder moving.

So unless something is hugely gender incongruent, I think there is more danger in outing yourself by trying too hard that there is by not doing enough to make people see girl everywhere.  Trying too hard and seeming unnatural about it is one of the biggest give aways I see.  For example, the transwoman who shows up dressed to the nines with jewelry, heavy makeup, and super expensive, fancy, new clothes at an outdoor picnic.  She actually looks great in other circumstances.  But presenting so strangely in that setting invites scrutiny and makes passing harder.

If you dress to blend in with everyone else and act like you belong, then usually people assume you do belong and they won't pay any attention to you.  It's the incongruities and the differences that draw attention.

So the advice is often given to wear more jewelry in hopes of sending a more female signal.  But most women wear very little jewelry most of the time.  Wearing too much makes you stand out and draw attention.  Personally, I wear none at all most of the time, so you won't find those earrings in my ears or those bangles on my wrists.

The advice is often given to wear dresses and skirts to send a more female signal.  But most women wear pants most of the time.  Personally, I wear mostly skinny jeans this time of the year.

And people are often advised to make sure they never leave the house without makeup on.  But most women don't wear much makeup most of the time.  Personally, I rarely wear any because in too lazy. 

I feel like I'm passing by breaking most of the usual rules trans* people are given about how to pass.  And I'm pretty darn confident in my passing.  But it's kind of a chicken & egg problem.  I don't know if I am able to break the rules because I'm passable or if I'm passable because I break the rules.  I don't know if I'm confident because I pass or if I pass because I'm confident.

With that said, I also have to acknowledge that I'm a bit of a freak.  I don't usually comment on HRT and passing threads because I'm not sure my opinions or experiences are very helpful to most others due to my own oddities.  I am more likely to comment on a suzifrommd thread because I know her offline and I like talking with her.  🙂

Your mileage may vary and your experience of passing may depend on lots of other things.  So here is my equivalent of Suzi's personal passability assessment.

I do seem to pass pretty much perfectly.  To my knowledge, I have never experienced being clocked since I went full time.  I have had problems with passing as a trans* person, even in trans* spaces, that have included being called a liar when I come out as trans* and  having other trans* people take it on themselves to explain to me what the word "transgender" means.  My body looks something like this:

* I'm 5'9" tall.
* I have no idea where my jaw fits in the spectrum.
* I had hip development in puberty and they become more visible when I lose weight.  I've gotten teased about my "child bearing hips" since transitioning. 
* I am quite small framed.
* I'm carrying too much weight on the small frame. 
* I wear women's size 8 1/2 shoes.
* I've never worn a wig.  My hair actually is my own hair and I tend to put it in a ponytail most of the time.  I sometimes wear it loose in the winter.  French twists are great for more formal or dressy occasions. 
* I wear contact lenses, but usually don't wear glasses most of the time.  I don't know where I fit in the spectrum of brow ridges and such.  An FtM-spectrum friend says I don't have much.
* I've never had FFS or a trach shave, so I don't have a scar.  But I also don't have a visible Adam's apple and I've had people tell me my face looks like I spent a lot on FFS. 
* My voice is a huge passing asset, but I have never had any sort of voice training or vocal surgery.

Hormones seem to affect me quickly, powerfully, and in ways that are supposed to be impossible.  My best guess is that since my body produces very little in the way of hormones naturally (like maybe 10% of natural testosterone) and I could never stand more than about 1/4 or 1/3 of "normal" T without flipping out, I just never had a complete puberty.  So there was a bunch of puberty stuff that never happened until I transitioned and then it happened in a female direction.  That's just me speculating.

But the point is that all this stuff affects my view of the world, and particularly my view of passing.  So bear that in mind when considering my advice or opinions on the subject and feel free to discount them if you feel they don't apply.

[Devlyn]

Hiding things, mmm, might not work as well as you think. A woman at work had Bells palsy and her lip was drooping.  She was extremely self-conscious about it and was walking around with her hand over her mouth. I drew her aside and told her that the lip was going to be noticed, maybe, but walking around with her hand on her face would definitely be noticed. She had changed it from a droopy lip to a droopy lip with an odd behaviour tossed in, making it all the more noticeable. Just food for thought.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Brenda E]

Trying too hard and seeming unnatural about it is one of the biggest give aways I see.

This is a rather interesting idea.  I've recently been preoccupied with the concept of "passing" - my goal in 2015 is to go full-time, and as such I've spent much of my time over the past few weeks trying to figure out how best to get to that point in terms of my physical appearance.

I'm of the opinion that "good enough" is good enough for me.  I have no dreams to become beautiful, just more feminine than masculine.  I know trying to become pretty and absolutely convincing as a female is out of my reach; such a target will be time-consuming, expensive, and difficult to hit.  My goal is to blend in, not draw any attention to myself; hiding in plain sight, rather than trying to fool everyone into thinking that I'm a cis girl.  If they don't see me, they don't judge me.

Which, in a roundabout way, is why the idea of trying too hard as being a dead giveaway strikes me as being a good way to approach my eventual public transition.  I really don't want to dress in the awesome clothes - a girl's t-shirt and jeans is good enough for me (although a cute pair of shoes will probably be on my shopping list.)  Same for my hair - as long as it's long and not too shabby, I'll be happy; looking like I've just stepped out of a high-end salon every single morning will draw too much attention.  Same goes for makeup - a modest amount is sufficient for me, and while I love to see girls with beautiful makeup, it's the kind of attention I couldn't handle.

I want people to recognize me as female, but then move their eyes to the prettier girl who's sitting ten feet away from me.  I don't want anyone latching onto something amazingly pretty about me and then seeing the dozen areas in which I'm still obviously male.  I'll never stand up to such scrutiny, although given the option I'd like to be eye-catching.  It's just not worth the risk for me.

Having said all that, I'm still on the fence about my ultimate goals.  I almost don't want to blend in too much.  I'd like to stand out as being trans - I think it's something I'm proud of and not something I particularly want to hide.  Ideally, I'd like to end up being someone who, when being talked about, people say things like, "Yeah, she used to be a guy, but she's kind of pretty don't you think?"

Lots for me to think about.  It's all a work in progress right now, so I've no idea where I'll end up.  On a practical level, it's going to be a negotiation between the natural effects of HRT, the depth of my wallet, and my patience with the effort needed to present oneself as female on a consistent basis.  I can control how much effort I put into this project, but I have no way of controlling how my body reacts to the hormones.  Only time will tell, and once things have stabilized I can start to set more accurate goals for what kind of girl I'd like to be.

Great topic.  Glad it was started. 🙂

[suzifrommd]

Hiding things, mmm, might not work as well as you think. A woman at work had Bells palsy and her lip was drooping.  She was extremely self-conscious about it and was walking around with her hand over her mouth. I drew her aside and told her that the lip was going to be noticed, maybe, but walking around with her hand on her face would definitely be noticed. She had changed it from a droopy lip to a droopy lip with an odd behaviour tossed in, making it all the more noticeable. Just food for thought.

Makes sense. I suppose that's why several times a day the thought pops into my head that I should have FFS and a hair transplant so I don't have to hide anymore. But I don't want to assault my body more than I already have. Haven't come up with a good answer to that.