I can't get over these feelings of "I'm not attracted to guys so I can't fit in"

[Katelyn]

I hate it, like for instance when I hear some love song, that I can't relate to the woman that feels all these feelings of guys, and I feel like I'm not a woman because I can't relate to women in their attraction to guys.   It drives me crazy even though rationally I know that there are lesbians that are no less of a woman than other women.  My hyper analytical mind sees men and women like ying and yang, opposites attract, etc... and I feel like I don't fit in that. 

And then I get these feelings like "how can I be able to fit in with women if I don't share their same attraction to guys?"

And the interesting thing is that I'm sort of sexually fluid, feeling more like a woman should be my partner but really wanting to have sex as a woman traditionally.

Seriously, how do lesbians put up with this, society filled with images of women with men like ying and yang, and the women very much enjoying being accompanied with a guy.  I can't relate to it and I feel less like transitioning is possible. 

[stephaniec]

I don't know how to help , I'm attracted to both , so I personally don't have that issue. I just deal with people on an individual basis and see where it goes , if anywhere.

[Miss_Bungle1991]

I just don't worry about that crap. I have never really liked guys. (My "schoolgirl crush" on Mike Patton doesn't count ). In terms of an actual relationship? No way. I remember thinking to myself: "What IF I was with a guy in a romantic relationship?" My stomach was doing cartwheels and I actually felt physically sick at the thought. If that means that I "don't fit in", then oh well. Of course, being pre op, (and always will be since GRS isn't something that I desire. But I did have an orchi), throws a wrench in the works as far as finding a girlfriend. But, then again, I'm not really looking for one anyway. BUT if I did desire a mate, it would be a woman.

[cindy16]

I'll add my two cents from a slightly different perspective. I have always been attracted only to women, and I am pretty sure that I want to be with my wife no matter what I do about my GD. In a way, that stopped me from understanding my GD until very recently.

Coming to what the media and entertainment world tells us, I've tried to look at love songs, romantic movies etc from the hetero perspective but could never get over the feeling that I was just pretending to like them. If I ever liked any of them, it had to be for some other reason, some theme which was rebellious, psychedelic, historical, political, sci-fi, fantasy, something else which had to make it unreal for me to like it. In fact, even the portrayal of lesbian relationships in songs or on screen is often from a hetero perspective and makes it unlikeable for me.

So I just don't care about what these songs and movies tell us. I am what I am, and if there are very few others like me, so be it. Media, entertainment, advertising etc is all driven towards the larger numbers, but that doesn't mean I have to be like them.

[Cindy]

Hey don't over psychanalyse yourself. I use to worry that I was Gay and not trans because I liked guys but never felt Gay!!

Never forget, gender and sexuality are totally different.

[Beth Andrea]

Hearing a hetero love song is difficult...I either switch my perceptions when listening (imagining a deep voiced woman singing to her partner, etc) or just listen to the song and the emotions it would evoke in a hetero couple, and visualize that emotion within myself (love is love, whether gay, straight, or anywhere on the spectrum).

Then there are those who sing of gay love (Mary Lambert "she keeps me warm" and the woman who sings "isn't it ironic"...)

eta: Don't worry too much about "fitting in"...love who you want, and care only for what your partner wants. Personal relationships aren't for public entertainment (I.e., to be used to "fit in" with social groups)

imho

[Ms Grace]

If you're not attracted to guys then you're not attracted to guys - it's really no biggie. Based on what I read and hear from lesbians they are pretty puked out by the whole hetro-normative cultural paradigm, but I guess that's why they call it a sub-culture... lesbians just ignore the hetro stuff and seek out their own expression and scene.

[Katelyn]

Hey don't over psychanalyse yourself. I use to worry that I was Gay and not trans because I liked guys but never felt Gay!!

Never forget, gender and sexuality are totally different.

Yes but it keeps on nagging me that the "natural order" is that femininity and masculinity are like yin and yang, opposite complements, that you even see with many lesbians.  I don't feel like that myself, and it drives me crazy feeling like an alien.

[Ms Grace]

You get two things you have yin and yang, even if they are the same type of thing. Some apples are more yang than other apples, some women are more yin than other women. The dynamic exists regardless of the pairing.

[Athena]

An attraction to men doesn't make you trans, it means you are attracted to men.Not being attracted to men only means you are not attracted to men nothing more.

[Violet Bloom]

  It's funny, subconsciously my brain couldn't come to grips with this at first.  I told my doctor I felt really stupid when I had an "Ah-ha!" moment at the beginning of coming out to myself and realized I could be a lesbian and that it explained everything neatly.  I had become so programmed by social norms that it was the last thing to occur to me even though I tend to be quite bright otherwise.  That was the point at which I became completely at peace with my identity and stopped over-analyzing everything I did and felt.

  Before my 'trans breakthrough' I was always uncomfortable with expressing myself through my appearance.  Anyone who put their mind to it thought I was gay, so I generally avoided any clothes that would be dressy or colorful (but still masculine) so as not to draw any attention to myself.  Even to this day I will not get my ears pierced yet because it is guaranteed to elicit the wrong response and draw unwanted attention.  Only once I go full-time will I finally get earrings.

  I fully expect to have to dispel 'myths' about my relationship/sexual preferences once I am fully out because so much of the general public can't get a grip on the concept of a trans-lesbian.  Either they think you're severely closet-gay for men or they can't understand why you would need to NOT be a man in order to have a relationship with a woman.  The mainstream media and entertainment industries play to hetero-normative thinking because that's how the majority of the population thinks.  I don't exactly blame them for it because they know their audience and what sells most.  I can't watch hetero romantic or sexual content because it makes my skin crawl and I can't relate to it properly.  The same goes for gay-male content, although my complex over how others have mis-labeled me gay factors into my particularly strong discomfort with it.  Everyone is welcome to their preferences but personally I can't be involved with men - it doesn't feel right and it would never work.  Similarly, I know I could never have a functional relationship with a straight woman.

  Society's paranoia surrounding MTFs seems to be centered around the insistence that all MTFs must want sex with men.  Trans-lesbians appear to be viewed as something akin to a unicorn - They don't make sense and therefore they can't exist.  One of the reasons I came to Susan's in the first place was to try to find more people like me because I wasn't finding many of them in my support group.  Even just simple general conversation works better when you are speaking with another like-minded MTF.  Most others were like a different social circle and it is something you can almost 'feel in the air'.

  The only place I've ever seen MTF-lesbians well-accepted and integrated into the group as equals is on the website Autostraddle.com where they are part of the queer/lesbian cis-female discussion and welcomed.  There was one particular note I remember reading there about a summer-camp style event they host where only queer/lesbian females are allowed to attend.  On the topic of MTFs they made a point of clearly stating that if you were in some way or 'all-the-way' lesbian-oriented then "You're welcome here and you belong here."  This was the only time I've ever heard that sentiment put out there boldly and unambiguously and it made me feel very happy.  Even though MTF-lesbians are welcomed in the Toronto Pride Dyke March I only found this out by word of mouth and didn't see many others like me there last year.

  Directly to your point, I don't feel like I fit in with straight women socially, same as you have been feeling.  I've learned that statistically I'll always be in a minority so I'm not going to fret about it too much.  Once I am full-time I'm sure I will fare better socially with the straight female crowd, but I might finally also find women of non-straight orientation to socialize with since they won't see me as an 'alien/evil man' any longer.  I'm not expecting to ever win-over the entire lesbian population in Toronto because there are many of them that refuse to recognize MTFs as legitimate or feel that MTFs illegitimize the lesbian identity for cis-women.  Some are particularly militant about it too.  It's all part of trying to live forceably together under the 'LGBT...' umbrella.  It sure feels weird though when the discrimination comes from 'within'.

  Fear not, my dear Katelyn - unicorns and other mythical beasts do roam the earth.  If we make more of a point of revealing and explaining ourselves often-enough then we can be 'real' too.

[Emma Winters]

I get that feeling. I felt like, and was told, that because I like girls, it must just be how much I like them that must be making me feel like I want to be one. The issue with this was that I knew I was lying to myself and I had to come to grips that I can like girls and be one at the same time. It took me a long time to get that and I completely understand that it's difficult to feel like the stereotypes aren't necessary. If I'm still making sense and haven't gone off the rails yet, I'd say my advice would be to try to tell yourself that it's something you can do, to ignore the things that people press on you. You are completely a woman whether or not you like guys or not. It was a hard thing for me to get, but I know you can overcome the stereotypes and be yourself without others pulling you down. (I do hope I made sense.)