death is all i think about

[jossef-ftm]

i'm in hospital from 4 days, so many things going on in my life, it become hell after i came out it just i'm in mad pain i ate a medecine box last night i wasn't trying to suicide i just wanted to stop the pain i wish if i lose my mind and my memory and stop knowing my self and who i'm, anyway i had Gastric lavage and i'm still in hospital.

i  never was that sensible before but when it come to my identity i always easy to broke, my uncle daughter told me so many things i'm now really 100% believe what she said i think i dont deserve to be alive we keep f** with people minds, we keep wearing clothes of the gender we suppose to born with that make us happy but all we do is make the world a worse place i think we were born to die i dont think god created us to fight to transition our selves i dont think god would do such a thing it just we didn't born to live ,every single thing say it!! i know you will call me crazy i would do the same and think the same before if someone tell me that, i always told friends just be your selves but i dont think its right , i now know why my sis didn't want to go with me when i'm out its not cause she's tired NO its cause of people looks to me and she is ashamed of me!!
everything is against us i mean why we live anyway ?? we can't live 100% as bio people, we just keep lying to our selves i'm not trying to put anyone down but its the truth the sad truth, i keep go to job and back and earn money and buy food and eat it then do the same again!!! i dont live for nothing!! we  can't have a family a normal family when u can be the father with a beautiful woman and kids and if a miracle happen ur past always will chase you, adopting a kid? i thought about it but that's not right i will just f** with the kid mind he won't know if i'm his dad or mom or what!! everything of that say we dont born to live ..why people live in general??! to marry  have kids make them happy , we keep telling our selves the lie of we can be happy whithout a family and kids its a lie i bet if anyone is happy without that, in usual when i'm out if someone look at me i get so angry or telling him what the hell u r looking at but when i think now i think he is right cause people cant know what r u!!! before when i hear trans people say its hard to be trans i think its just they so sensible cause i was wearing what i want and make people calling me with the right pronouns and i thought ii made it and i'm happy,but day after day i know we can't be truly happy or free when i start know life more and its not only about what we wear its about what u living for i really can't find a reason why i'm alive!!! i was suicidal b4 and i think this is the last i really can't take this no more i'm writing this and i'm sure you will think i'm crazy but isn't this the truth!! i think god created a man and a woman to make a family raise healthy kids that's the right thing i'm not trying to hate no one but it just my believes and what i think its right you may hate me ,you have the right to but i 100% believe i dont deserve to be alive all i want is to die and pray if there is an other life after this to god put me in the right body to live normal as anyone!!
i dont hate no one i dont tell you what to do i talk about me and my beliefs i respect people beliefs but it just i believe its not right every second we keep creating new things and add a letter to the LGBT....Z and expect cis people to respect us !! i'm sorry i'm so sorry but i think i'm a freak i hate me i hate everything about me and this unormal life i have i only believe in death the pure true freedom from all the s**..
i'm here from 2011 thank you for this forum this is my home for me thnx for everyone supported me thnx for welcome me thank you for everythingg and i'm sorry if i said something hurt b4 i'm so sorry and thnx so much again..Goodbye.

[MacG]

Well shoot. You sure do sound depressed! Are you seeing a therapist?

I'm sorry you're feeling so down on being trans. For what it's worth, there are so many accepting people. There are lots of kids who grow up with trans parents who are just fine.
We really do deserve to be ourselves. I know I had so much shame, I never imagined I would be accepted by others as me, but I am.

We all deserve to be alive! If somebody has told you you don't, that is NOT a person you should have in your life. That's horrendous.  I can't imagine telling somebody I love (or anybody) that they don't deserve to live!
We are not trans in order to f with other people. Sure, some people like to push others into seeing the variety of gender, but really, your gender is about you. And it's not your job to be accepted by everybody. You don't owe anybody your compliance with what they think is normal. Cis people are of no greater or lesser value than the rest of us. Being transgender is what it is. It exists. And more and more people are realizing that that's just how the world works.

[palexander]

from what i've observed (your posts) you seem like you're very angry a lot. it'll take time, but once you accept life as it is things will become a lot easier. for the longest time i couldn't accept that i wasn't cis, that i have a /chest/, that my voice was higher, that i couldn't go out; the list is endless. t definitely helped me start to feel more confident in myself, but a few weeks before i knew i was starting i had an epiphany. you can hate the bad things all you want and get depressed over them, but they won't go away. if you look at every situation with at least one positive you'll notice a difference.

example: im trans and no one accepts me. i hate the parts i have, etc.

/one/ positive perk is that you can choose your name.

it may not seem like a lot, but try to see the 'light' in every situation. have you considered meditation? i used to laugh at the idea of listening to gregorian chants/instrumental music but it helps SO much. when i struggled the most meditation pulled me through. i always have on music that i personally find calming, so why not find something that calms you and listen to it when you're angry? remember to think rationally because there are better days ahead. sending positive vibes, man.

[zero.cool.crash.override]

Well, I don't know what to say, Man.  It can be impossible to see beyond our current situations and prospects.  But life is full of possibilities that we never would have imagined possible.  I hope you're still with us.

[stephaniec]

Hi, my name is Stephanie, I'm a beautiful intelligent woman. I'm 63 years old.  From the age of 4 to 18 I lived in hell because I was wrong , I was female stuck in a male life  Suicide has been my companion  for 63 years. 18 t0 20 years old I had some peace because I was free from the hell of school and pain, I started to try to heal the pain on my own through self education and I did good. then The hell returned, It was the Viet Nam war , I got drafted, I didn't belong with all those men , I hated , hated , hated it. I wanted peace for myself and peace for my people on both sides of the world, I deserted to Canada came back went to prison served my time took a bad discharge that cursed me my entire life. I had a severe LSD problem that almost killed me and mangled my mind. I still had and always will have a gender conflict that that is being worked on finally after 60 years of pain . Life can be hell. Suicide is my lover. I'm still here though because life is so damn precious . Reach out to someone , you can't imagine the people who I've met in life that are the angels God sends to help.

[Bran]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain.   I've felt like that and it *sucks*.  I really hope you find a way to feel better about yourself.  Because, whatever you think of God, or trans people, or gender roles, or the meaning of life-- suicide doesn't do *anything* good. 

If you live, you might be happy, you might contribute something important to the world.  Maybe you don't see how, maybe it's not likely, but it's still possible. If you kill yourself, you guarantee you'll spend the rest of your life miserable.

Stick around.  Something interesting might happen.  And maybe you'll even find some solutions to those problems that seem impossible. 

[Orangaline]

Hi, i couldnt read through all of your post as im fighting depression myself and dont want to send myself into that spiral of yuck again, but i read enough to want to tell you to just hang in there. maybe just sit at the point in your transition that your at for a little while, dont push it either way. you need a bit of a break. Im sorry that your in the hospital dude, i just came from there and their no fun. But at least now you have a chance to get better, ya know?

i hope tings get better for you. You shouldnt listen  to what other people think about you. break away from them and dont internalize those lies.

in the end only you can make yourself happy again:)

[Jaz650]

Hey, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. When I was thirteen I was also hospitalized due to my gender dysphoria and depression. At the time I thought I could never pass. However at fourteen my parents let me take hormones. Today that thirteen year old boy is in school stealth, has had multiple relationships without them knowing, etc. I'm happy! I'm a young lady! I choose who I tell! I'm also engaged with a wonderful man who understands that I can't have biological children. We plan on adopting, and no i am not going to mess up their heads, because they will love their mom no matter what. Your children will love their dad no matter what too! Pm me if you wish to talk or anything. Life can be beautiful, even for us. We have a lot to offer the world. Let us walk this beautiful journey together. Jazz

[Elsa Delyth]

I tried to say things before to you, that I hoped might make you feel better, or stronger, or dismissive of negative thoughts and pressures -- but I see now that you're in an extremely hostile environment. I think that you should get out of where you are, and move some place either friendlier, or where you can be without constant negative pressure.

Get out of that environment. I checked myself into the hospital a few years ago because I had become suicidal. I was doing a lot of drugs, working full time, and sleeping at best three hours a night. I experienced a period of mania, followed by a nervous break down, and found myself contemplating the best way to end my life, while trying to fall asleep on a picnic table in the park. I decided that it would be best to just check myself in to the hospital.

The real cause of my stress, and misery that led to that breakdown, and suicidal place was the hostile environment I was in, full of negative enforcement, and demotivation, and constant fighting. When I was able to get out of there, I never experienced those lows again, and hadn't before then.

If you're experiencing constant negative feedback, rejection, and people attempting to "dissuade you" by telling you what a ->-bleeped-<-ty life is in store for you, then you're in an environment that is literally going to kill you. Please, get out of there!