Hi everyone. I've been feeling kind of isolated and like I need more of a community lately, and also feel like I have a lot of questions to ask and stuff. So I thought joining a message board might be a good idea. I'm here under an alias, not because I'm closeted, but because I may end up talking about some quite personal stuff on here that I wouldn't want someone to be able to google (like about bottom dysphoria for example).
I've been very gradually coming out to myself about being trans for the last few years. When I was very young I remember feeling like I should be a boy, but when I started puberty I felt more pressure to conform and I pushed down my feelings about my gender for about a decade. I'm 25 now and I've been identifying as non-binary for the last few years, and have embraced wearing the clothes I want and switching out my entire wardrobe for mens clothes (and I bind full time), and I asked people to use they pronouns and a new name, and it's been a real eye opener. But I'm starting to see how a lot of my resistance in the past against identifying as a trans guy* is purely based on fear. And I am still afraid and finding all of this very difficult, I'm scared of all the big changes, and I'm scared of being rejected and silenced by my community which is something I'm already starting to feel. But I see now that the way I've been living isn't sustainable, and that I need to try transitioning. So I got referred to my nearest GIC, and since I'm in London that's charring cross... which makes me a little nervous. But my partner has been pretty supportive in helping me deal with the scary admin of all that so far. I recently got a letter asking me to confirm that I consent to getting an appointment, but I procrastinated it for too long and accidentally left it too late to send back (only by a few days) - hoping that they won't completely ditch my referral because of that. But my partner called in and left them a message while I was panicking and pacing around the room. Having them around to hold my hand through this is going to be a lot of help.
*Although, I think a lot of what's held me back is that I find it hard to validate anything for myself. I'm the youngest in my family and I've internalised the way they often dismiss and delegitimise anything I have to say because I'm "just the baby". So it's hard to believe anything about myself without anyone else legitimising it first - so of course when the whole world was telling me "you're a girl" it was almost impossible to contradict.
But yeah, anyway, that's all a bit heavy. I hope that's ok. I'm a bit of an over-sharer as a general rule :-p
- Tate
