Minimizing the issue.. A little ranty thing.

[Damara]

Not sure if that's really what it could be called, but it'll do for now. Sometimes on FB I post or share something about being trans, and while I've personally never gotten a negative comment, I do sometimes see people write something that goes something like this.. "Everyone feels like they're not really who society thinks them to be. We all feel like we're different inside." And while I do understand what this means, it slightly annoys me.

Having gender dysphoria (at least for me) isn't a sometimes.. "Oh poo, people think me this way, but I'm really different on the inside." It's an almost constant and intense (less intense now that I'm out and presenting as female, but should decrease more on HRT I hope) feeling of misery and distress that my body, to ME, isn't more female.. not totally dependent on the thoughts of others, although those do come into play!

A friend actually told me they were jealous of me, because I'm transitioning. They're overweight and expressed that they feel "trapped" in their body.. I can imagine so, but once again, totally different from being transgender or having gender dysphoria...

So I guess I just wanted to rant. lol! Sorry!

[Lady_Oracle]

People try their best to make connections to show their empathy. I guess depending in the context its said I can see how it could be really annoying, instead of just showing emotional support. Its sort of like they're minimizing your dysphoria in a way by them thinking its something like what they've experienced with it comes to "feelin trapped" or if they don't fit in. I mean no other person goes through what we go through. Its like not only do we have to deal with life's crap and society's crap, we also have to deal with our trans issues and our dysphoria just exemplifies our problems 10 fold and that is what so many people don't realize about that pesky dysphoria. The amount struggles we have to deal with just to exist in a society that largely invalidates our existence...ahh now I'm ranting...time to go to sleep lol

[Obfuskatie]

Maybe they're a skinny person with an unfortunate love of cupcakes trapped in a body that has issues with insulin?

TBH, cis people can't begin to understand where we are coming from. When they see us changing so much of ourselves and staying dedicated to our transition they think we are brave. I'm just trying to be me and apparently that takes courage because being me is so scary for them to imagine or something. Ugh...

[Beth Andrea]

I understand the need for empathy...it is a way for people to connect.

But if I were a fireman who just got done putting out a blaze covering several blocks, and someone came up to me and said, "hey I know just how you feel...one time I had to blow out a match!" I would not appreciate his/her effort to "connect" with me. In fact I'd be a bit insulted that s/he obviously didn't put any time into thinking of the magnitude of things from my perspective...from any perspective.

I just wish people would think a bit more.

[darkblade]

It pisses me off, but they're only trying to understand, and it frustrates them too because no matter how they try, you end up saying oh that isn't how I feel at all. First time I discussed stuff with my closest friend she tries to tell me that she also wishes she was born a guy sometimes and that all girls felt that way. Spent the whole conversation trying to explain to her (and myself) that what I felt was more than that. Now she just admits that though she cares, she just can't sympathise because she doesn't understand. They don't do it intentionally, I don't think at least.

[GnomeKid]

It pisses me off, but they're only trying to understand, and it frustrates them too because no matter how they try, you end up saying oh that isn't how I feel at all. First time I discussed stuff with my closest friend she tries to tell me that she also wishes she was born a guy sometimes and that all girls felt that way. Spent the whole conversation trying to explain to her (and myself) that what I felt was more than that. Now she just admits that though she cares, she just can't sympathise because she doesn't understand. They don't do it intentionally, I don't think at least.

hmm.. if she's a true friend she should at least be able to sympathize.  empathize, perhaps not, but sympathy only takes the will to believe someone else's situation is negative and feeling even a little bit bad about it. 

In regards to the original post... I don't have the facebook or any other social media.  I guess I don't really talk to anyone at all about how being trans makes me feel.  I'm not particularly one for sharing the negatives in my life.  During the more obvious phases of my transition I definitely got comments, and tried to be as honest as possible.  I guess what I'm trying to say is... if anything.. in the equation I'm always the one attempting to minimize the issue... not the other way around. 

[Obfuskatie]

It pisses me off, but they're only trying to understand, and it frustrates them too because no matter how they try, you end up saying oh that isn't how I feel at all. First time I discussed stuff with my closest friend she tries to tell me that she also wishes she was born a guy sometimes and that all girls felt that way. Spent the whole conversation trying to explain to her (and myself) that what I felt was more than that. Now she just admits that though she cares, she just can't sympathise because she doesn't understand. They don't do it intentionally, I don't think at least.

OMG, I have had that conversation (but from the MtF side).  When talking to my mom, she totally believes being born male is easier/preferable than being female.  She had a tough childhood.  But I couldn't explain to her what it was like to be born male and having the reverse of those feelings.  There's like a wall where she can't follow the logic-train.  That was when I realized that she empathizes with me, but doesn't sympathize.  She isn't transgender, and won't ever understand those feelings.

[Cindy]

I've lost count of the number of people who 'empathise' with me because they have a Gay, friend, brother, uncle whatever, so what? I'm not Gay! I'm transgender female and I'm straight!!

[Ms Grace]

Yeah, those kind of comments are generally regarded as microagressions. I see them more as micro stupidities but generally the person doesn't mean any harm by them, they've just engaged their mouth/typing with their brain in neutral..

[Damara]

I've lost count of the number of people who 'empathise' with me because they have a Gay, friend, brother, uncle whatever, so what? I'm not Gay! I'm transgender female and I'm straight!!

Cindy, that is so annoying! A coworker told me they saw a gay guy at the supermarket a while back and that he reminded her of me... Ugh.. I let her know that wasn't really ok. She meant no harm of course but it was still irritating. I do have a personality that is bubbly and slightly "flamboyant" but I'm not a gay man. I'm a straight woman.

[Damara]

Yeah, those kind of comments are generally regarded as microagressions. I see them more as micro stupidities but generally the person doesn't mean any harm by them, they've just engaged their mouth/typing with their brain in neutral..

Yeah, it sometimes seems like a huge achievement to not just scream in frustration sometimes.. lol! Microstupidities indeed!

[LizMarie]

Yeah, those kind of comments are generally regarded as microagressions. I see them more as micro stupidities but generally the person doesn't mean any harm by them, they've just engaged their mouth/typing with their brain in neutral..

This!

But also, Grace, I always try to evaluate what is said in context. Sometimes I feel someone is really trying their best, in which case I overlook and/or gently try to correct them. But if I feel they are trying to push the edge at me, I'll bite back.

[suzifrommd]

I think empathy is hard for a lot of people. Sometimes it comes easily to me, but sometimes it's hard for me to connect with the reality of someone else's hardship.

That's why I take every opportunity to open people's eyes to the reality of gender dysphoria and of how living inauthentically destroys the soul. For most folks, I'm the only trans person who is in a position to explain it to them.

[Obfuskatie]

There have been some pretty interesting studies about empathy and the way gender effects its development.  One of the main things people do in order to empathize with other people is mirroring.  Theoretically, the more we relate to another person, how well they mirror us, the more the capacity for empathy we can feel for them.  So men typically empathize with men more, and women with women, because they understand "what it might be like" to be that person.  I think that cispeople that haven't undergone gender studies have no idea how to relate to transpeople, thus making it harder for empathetic commiseration.  Not because they are bad people, but because we are alien to them, and they don't know better.


Sent from Katie's iPad using Tapatalk

[Robyn37]

I have to agree with Grace on this one, people just don't think about what they are saying. Maybe instead of taking offense, try to empathize with them. Knowing that they have no idea what we go through and may not ever know the right thing to say could make it slightly less annoying maybe?

[Jade_404]

There have been some pretty interesting studies about empathy and the way gender effects its development.  One of the main things people do in order to empathize with other people is mirroring.  Theoretically, the more we relate to another person, how well they mirror us, the more the capacity for empathy we can feel for them.  So men typically empathize with men more, and women with women, because they understand "what it might be like" to be that person.  I think that cispeople that haven't undergone gender studies have no idea how to relate to transpeople, thus making it harder for empathetic commiseration.  Not because they are bad people, but because we are alien to them, and they don't know better.


Sent from Katie's iPad using Tapatalk

Thats how I felt my whole life. Alien. I don't expect anyone to actually "get it" and I try and forgive their inability to function on a higher level like us superior beings. Sometimes I have to just put my hand on my forehead and shake my head. 

-Jade

[Cindy]

I've lost count of the number of people who 'empathise' with me because they have a Gay, friend, brother, uncle whatever, so what? I'm not Gay! I'm transgender female and I'm straight!!

Cindy, that is so annoying! A coworker told me they saw a gay guy at the supermarket a while back and that he reminded her of me... Ugh.. I let her know that wasn't really ok. She meant no harm of course but it was still irritating. I do have a personality that is bubbly and slightly "flamboyant" but I'm not a gay man. I'm a straight woman.

I did get my 'revenge' on one woman who said that too me. I said that I have a lot of Gay friends as well but I like my men straight and really well hung.

She went a rather nice pink- red colour

[Robyn37]

Forget the empathy, I like your approach better Cindy!