I Won't Go Back

[Jasper93]

Hi everyone,

I had the worst experience of my life last night -- worse than any breakup, or dysphoria episode, or anything else I've ever faced... I'm going to recount what happened, and I appreciate any advice, input, or encouragement you have to offer. By the way, I apologize for the length.

First off, I want to let everyone know that I have terrible anxiety. It was much worse pre-hrt; I found myself in the ER a lot because if masculinization didn't trigger an episode, hypochondria did. Knowing I wanted to be female, and that I wanted this more than anything, I just felt that some debilitating sickness had to prevent it from happening since nothing in life is free of obstacles for me. So, this is the attitude I've been having lately since I've been loving life since beginning transitioning...

What happened was that I was video calling someone, and out of nowhere, I involuntarily stuttered mid-sentence, as if I had a tick or something. I've had this happen a lot here and there in the last two weeks. I sought an ER doctor'W advice about it the first time it happened a while ago, and he said to stop HRT because it was a TIA. I had a thread about this the other day. So, since freaking gender dysphoria is the worst feeling in the world, I continued the HRT and just told myself that a TIA would be a thousand times worse than what I experienced. But I remained paranoid because oh him, so when I had the worst stutter yet last night, I REALLY freaked out.

So, I walked to the ER to get help, but once I got there, I realized that I had calmed down, and my extreme anxiety had been taking over. So, I walked back home without even going into the ER. I decided to meet halfway and at least give my own doctor an emergency call because I was still worrying... I got some operator at first, and of course, she made everything worse by "sir'ing" me since my voice apparently isn't as high as I would like to think. Then my doctor got on the point, and he was really rude to begin with. This hurt because I thought I could count on him...there were a lot of people last night who I couldn't count on. I told him my concern, along with how I was pretty much tingling across my entire body, and he said it's not a stroke or anything like that. He said I was apparently having a side effect to hrt and to call him Monday to make an appointment to discuss with him what to do. And he told me to stop my HRT... because of some stutter that apparently wasn't severe since he blew me off so quickly. I told him that what he said is really going to spike my anxiety out of control, and I asked if there are alternatives to estradiol. His response was, "No, not really. Estradiol is estradiol." And he shoo'ed me away.

So, I hit rock bottom at that point. I made a situation much worse than it should have been due to freaking out and assuming that something as going to ruin my transition. And now, I may have made that a reality. I have few friends at my college because I'm literally a poor kid among spoiled, rich kids due to my scholarship, so I called someone who I thought I could count on to console me -- that person being my mom.

By the time she answered, I was crying harder than I ever have. She didn't even ask what was wrong, and immediately told me to get professional help. And she bickered and interrupted me, tellijng me that I just woke her up in the middle of the night for something she couldn't do anything about. I wasn't even feeling suicidal at that point, but once she told me again to call 911 and leave her alone, I really did feel suicidal. She then hung up. She called back like a minute later and bickered some more. She said I could talk to my little brother if I wanted to, but she wasn't going to talk to me because she was tired. She made everything about her, and it hurt so much. I told her that I could call her with a freaking knife to my throat, and she'd hang up on me. She made everything so much worse.

So, I talked to my little brother, who shouldn't have been put in that position. He was extremely helpful, and he stayed on the phone with me for as long as I needed him. I told him how I felt because of what our mom did to me, and he responded by telling me to please never do that. My mom, who was apparently awake enough to listen to our conversation, took the phone from him upon hearing that and screamed at me for feeling weak enough to give in. I begged for her to give the phone back to my brother, and we talked for an hour more.

I told him that everyone, even my doctor, wants to make my journey difficult for me. He's like 16, so most of this he understood. I went on about how it's me against the world right now, and how nights like these make me realize that I can't win the battle alone. I asked for him to stress to everyone that I'm not going back to who I used to be because I hated myself so much. And I made it really clear that I need them to realize that what I'm doing is a matter of having to transition, as opposed to merely wanting to transiton. I pretty much gave him the most candid phone call I've ever given anyone. He told me that they were all there for me, and that they would do everything I can to find a good doctor, or whatever I need to do. One thing he said that helped, but made me realize how good I had it before last night, was that I pass already. He thought I'd stay like this, but what everyone seems to want me to do would essentially turn me into am androgyne because I have significant breast development, and have lost an incredible amount of muscle (I went from 190 lbs to 140 lbs and gained some fat). It's almost like loving someone and losing them. I'd prefer to have never loved my progress than to transition well for four months and have to say good bye to it.

That's how my night ended. I haven't left my dorm room since because I'm embareasswdnof how much I cried. I woke up mid-sleep at one point and came to the realization that reality for me right now is that my doctor might continue to be an ass and take me off of hrt, and that I don't have the means to find another doctor. I'm not going to live a life where I'm made to be male just because few understand that I can't go back to that. I'm not allowing it to happen. There's no going back, and this motivates me to find another way immediately. I don't care if I have to seek out informed consent or something; I'm not going back for a second to what I used to be right now. I'm hesitant to even make the appointment with my doctor, and maybe just let him forget about all of this until I find a new doctor. I'd contact the therapist who wrote my letter, but we haven't been on good terms lately. This leaves few options, but I find a way to get what I need. This is my attitude right now.

That was insanely long, but I needed to write it. Few people are there for me. I appreciate any advice or encouragement.

Alice

[Miss_Bungle1991]

I noticed that you are from Chicago. Well, with you being in a major city. Surely, there is someone you can contact that works under informed consent? I had come in contact with a doctor in Indianapolis that also worked under informed consent when I was searching out people when I was getting my orchi set up. So, I would imagine that you have a pretty good chance of finding one where you are.

Good luck.

[Jasper93]

I noticed that you are from Chicago. Well, with you being in a major city. Surely, there is someone you can contact that works under informed consent? I had come in contact with a doctor in Indianapolis that also worked under informed consent when I was searching out people when I was getting my orchi set up. So, I would imagine that you have a pretty good chance of finding one where you are.

Good luck.

Thank for your encouragement. I don't actually stay in Chicago; that's a running joke. I live an hour from Indy, though. Where in Indy did you obtain informed consent? I'd shuttle up there asap if I knew for sure where to get informed consent in Indy.

Thanks,

Alice

[Randi]

Indiana University right? 

Use this resource: http://glbt.indiana.edu/home.php 

I think you should stop burdening the ER's if you aren't willing to take the doctor's advice.  There are plenty of car wrecks, broken bones and heart attacks to keep them busy.

Randi

[Jasper93]

Indiana University right? 

Use this resource: http://glbt.indiana.edu/home.php 

I think you should stop burdening the ER's if you aren't willing to take the doctor's advice.  There are plenty of car wrecks, broken bones and heart attacks to keep them busy.

Randi

Why are you on a support site if you're just going to reprimand? I'm quite intelligent enough to have already sought out the GLBT center here.

And one ER visit. I think you can deal with that.

And when I was there, they freaked out because I'm trans and told me to drop everything because it's not a good enough reason to take hrt.

For future reference, I didn't allow myself to be vulnerable like I did in my post to be ridiculed by someone who doesn't know me. I'm here for support, and it'd be great if people like you would try to identify with my situation as opposed to, once again, bickering.

Otherwise,

Have a good day,

Alice

[Hideyoshi]

Why are you on a support site if you're just going to reprimand? I'm quite intelligent enough to have already sought out the GLBT center here.

And one ER visit. I think you can deal with that.

And when I was there, they freaked out because I'm trans and told me to drop everything because it's not a good enough reason to take hrt.

For future reference, I didn't allow myself to be vulnerable like I did in my post to be ridiculed by someone who doesn't know me. I'm here for support, and it'd be great if people like you would try to identify with my situation as opposed to, once again, bickering.

Otherwise,

Have a good day,

Alice

it sounds like your stutter is more of a psychosomatic response. You calming down before going to the ER again is evidence that it's just your mind playing tricks on you because of anxiety. I know if I psych myself out, I can make my ulcerative colitis symptoms flare up in a matter of hours even after weeks or months of little to no symptoms.

For the ER doctor to say it's TIA, did he run tests? Did he run blood tests for clotting, or scan your brain for clots/loss of blood supply? If not, and he's just saying 'estradiol increases blood clot risk, so it's probably the estradiol,' I'd get some actual testing done before even worrying about that.

I have pretty bad anxiety from time to time so I know saying 'just calm down' doesn't help, but it seems like you're alienating the very people trying to help you along with transition, mainly your doctor prescribing HRT.

[Jasper93]

it sounds like your stutter is more of a psychosomatic response. You calming down before going to the ER again is evidence that it's just your mind playing tricks on you because of anxiety. I know if I psych myself out, I can make my ulcerative colitis symptoms flare up in a matter of hours even after weeks or months of little to no symptoms.

For the ER doctor to say it's TIA, did he run tests? Did he run blood tests for clotting, or scan your brain for clots/loss of blood supply? If not, and he's just saying 'estradiol increases blood clot risk, so it's probably the estradiol,' I'd get some actual testing done before even worrying about that.

I have pretty bad anxiety from time to time so I know saying 'just calm down' doesn't help, but it seems like you're alienating the very people trying to help you along with transition, mainly your doctor prescribing HRT.

They ran multiple tests; everything came back normal. If my doctor is willing to make me go back to male because of anxiety, then I don't think he's there for me. The anxiety always starts out of fear that something is getting in the way of me transitioning. Not many people seem to be there for me, actually. This site is here for me, which means so much, but other than that, I'm the one being alienated. I hope you see where I'm coming from.

Alice

[Hideyoshi]

They ran multiple tests; everything came back normal. If my doctor is willing to make me go back to male because of anxiety, then I don't think he's there for me. The anxiety always starts out of fear that something is getting in the way of me transitioning. Not many people seem to be there for me, actually. This site is here for me, which means so much, but other than that, I'm the one being alienated. I hope you see where I'm coming from.

Alice

Okay so you kept doing HRT despite the ER's orders. You called up your doctor frantically saying what the ER said. Out of a precaution, the doctor said to stop HRT and see him on Monday.

He was looking out for your best interest. Doctors have ALL KINDS of patients and are generally used to overly worried or hypochondriatic patients. Doctors are incredibly busy and are not usually (in my experience, I've had many doctors over the years because of my poor health) in the mood for doing therapy sessions over the phone. They like to be stern and to the point. If you were so incredibly worried about HRT making you stutter because of brain blood loss, he did the exact thing that he was supposed to do: recommend that you stop taking it for X days until you see him the next Monday, because if it WAS the estradiol causing the problem and he said to keep taking it, and you had a stroke because of it, it's his ass on the platter.

I KNOW what it's like to have the threat of no HRT. My doctor was out of town and his office misinterpreted his notes and they refused to refill my estradiol until the next week when he comes back, and next thing I knew I was howling in the bathtub and cutting at my wrist with my boyfriend threatening to break down the door to get in. I know how irrational it can make you, but please understand that it can mess up relationships with the people who are trying to HELP you, so try to take at least a little bit of responsibility.

[alexbb]

"immediately told me to get professional help"

that sounds like a put down; you need professional help buddy! but in a way shes right, they can help you more than she can:

A few months ago when my GD was very strong i kept having panic attacks, it was starting to mess with my job and i was very unhappy so I told my dr i was very stressed and anxious and depressed and she prescribed a tranquiliser, diazapam i think, there an then. i got it from a supermarket pharmacy it was £14 i think.
it really helps calm you down and think clearly in about 15 minutes. like youre head isnt so full of bees and sawmill noises and you can focus a bit. really damps down the horror and nausea. i found just having it in the drawer in case i needed it was sufficient in itself to help with a lot of situations. and that calmer mood helped me think more about my future and about transitioning, and thus this site, Emma B, coming out to everyone and feeling much much better all came about. it might be worth a go?

[Jasper93]

Okay so you kept doing HRT despite the ER's orders. You called up your doctor frantically saying what the ER said. Out of a precaution, the doctor said to stop HRT and see him on Monday.

He was looking out for your best interest. Doctors have ALL KINDS of patients and are generally used to overly worried or hypochondriatic patients. Doctors are incredibly busy and are not usually (in my experience, I've had many doctors over the years because of my poor health) in the mood for doing therapy sessions over the phone. They like to be stern and to the point. If you were so incredibly worried about HRT making you stutter because of brain blood loss, he did the exact thing that he was supposed to do: recommend that you stop taking it for X days until you see him the next Monday, because if it WAS the estradiol causing the problem and he said to keep taking it, and you had a stroke because of it, it's his ass on the platter.

I KNOW what it's like to have the threat of no HRT. My doctor was out of town and his office misinterpreted his notes and they refused to refill my estradiol until the next week when he comes back, and next thing I knew I was howling in the bathtub and cutting at my wrist with my boyfriend threatening to break down the door to get in. I know how irrational it can make you, but please understand that it can mess up relationships with the people who are trying to HELP you, so try to take at least a little bit of responsibility.

How familiar are you with gender dysphoria? It entails feeling like you can't live life as your assigned gender. This is what I feel; I'm not returning.

Now, I'm elucidating this for you. Take no offense. If I encountered "blood loss" in my brain, as you put it, then would that have not shown up on the myriad tests performed on me? Should I submit to the bigotry of a doctor who told me that dysphoria isn't a good enough reason to take hrt, or should I be myself -- because I can't take being male?

Should I believe there's something life-threatening going on with me if my doctor shoo's me off the  phone, and tells me not to go to the ER, or should I again attribute it to my anxiety? If he said to see him Monday, sure. But, he said to schedule Monday, and it will be weeks until I see him. He also tells me that I should continue therapy that I can't afford, even though WPATH and my therapist both say otherwise. Is he supporting me? Think about it.

Is this site supporting me? A lot of the time, but all too often, I post a candid post and at least one person jumps in and rebukes me first thing. In a single post, I said that I've never cried so much in my life, I can't go back to where I was, my mom essentially bullied me, my doctor was hostile to me (guess what? He also disagreed with the ER staff you keep lawyering.), and I had no one to turn to. And you reproached me; take responsibility for that.

Meanwhile, I'll take responsibility for acknowledging that society doesn't want to help me be who I am,. I'll take responsibility for losing those who pretend to support me once I get where I belong. I'll take responsibility for doing whatever it takes to be the woman I am.

I'm deleting my account and leaving this site now. I come here for support, and occasionally leave myself vulnerable. People, like you, in turn, put me down instead of helping and make things worse.

I'll take responsibility for being born the wrong gender, and fighting the bigotry fostered by such the day hell freezes over.